My birthday is tomorrow and Thanksgiving Day is two days after that with Christmas just around the corner. Our church had our annual Thanksgiving service this past Sunday. It is a special time of giving thanks to God with special music and opportunities for the church family to stand up and share with everyone about what they are grateful to God for. The kids stay in the service and sit with their parents and it is such a wonderful family time; taking stock of all God has done in one another's lives, sharing mutual joy and blessings. You cannot sit in this service and remain unaffected by the wondrous works of the Lord. It's all for His glory and His purposes are evident as we corporately celebrate His hand in our lives. We'd sing a few songs about how good God is and then intermittently, there'd be chances for everyone to stand up and share if they'd like. I kept thinking of what I was most thankful for this year and realized that if I stood up to speak, I'd just dissolve into a puddle of tears and no one would get much of what I had to say. Thank God for the written word! At least right now, I can take out these thoughts and share them because I want God to get all the credit for His hand in my life. This is what I wanted to share:
The day before, Saturday, with my birthday looming and Christmas too, my dear husband was doing his best husbandly find-out-what-she-wants reconnaissance mission. He said, "BESIDES jewelry ('cuz he knows I love jewelery) what do you want? What is something that you'd like?" I said, "Well, I've already told you what I want for my birthday. I gave you that list. I had new hand weights, a new workout DVD...." He explained that that was nice but he wanted to know what would really tickle me. I said, "Like a fantasy gift? I mean, not like a hot tub or expensive car or vacation, but a really neat gift?" "Yes," he said. Hmmmmm..........it actually took some priming of the mental pump, but soon the ideas were flowing. I rattled off a bunch of pure girly, in my heart of hearts delights: a new Amplified Bible in leather, getting my nails done, pedicures, facials, eyebrow waxing...well, ANYTHING in the salon, a gym membership, just about anything from my favorite make-up line, and even a fancy, expensive designer handbag. Okay, besides the Bible, I realize these are all pretty obnoxious, unnecessary and expensive indulgences. But he asked! They are all things that I admit, I'd LIKE to have, that I'd be thrilled to receive and would enjoy immensely! But the reality is, I don't need them and in fact, have put aside even the dream of many of these.
As I was daydreaming, I looked over on the kitchen counter. My Gramma had sent me a package that day stuffed full of memories she'd collected over the years; newspaper articles, old church bulletins and such. Included was a copy of an essay I had written when I was in Jr. High. It was about some things I'd been through. It was to be on the subject of "My Proudest Moment" and I had written about how my mom went back to college and I was left to take care of my two younger brothers most nights after school. I had to forgo many things like after school sports and time with friends so that I could be home to make dinners and give baths and help with homework and tuck the boys into bed. I had written that I was proud of my mom and that the sacrifice was worth it. In many ways, it was true. But with time comes perspective and I could see that while I wouldn't trade my testimony for anything, while I know hard times in life help make us stronger, what I saw now on that paper was a Good Girl who was hiding her Angry. I am not angry anymore, but in my healing journey, I did have to take a time to admit that I had been. God has taken the anger and the pain and given me a new heart and I am so grateful.
I am so grateful that I have the privilege of being a hands-on mom to my kids. I want to give them something they will probably take for granted, something they may never understand, and that is me. The truth is, I probably should go get a job. We need the money. It sure would be nice. Sometimes, when it's bill paying time especially, and I see the stress settle on my husband's shoulders, my stomach aches and I just want to run and hide. In this day and age, you almost do have to have both parents working full time just to pay the basic bills. Prices keep climbing, everything costs more and saving money for a rainy day seems like a fond memory because TODAY is the rainy day!
Then I think about what it would look like for me to go to work. I would have to negotiate my motherhood. I would have to farm it out to someone else. I would have to find childcare for my kids or sign them up for after school programs where they'd be given snacks and helped with homework and be entertained with activities while I worked. When they got sick, I would have to figure something out because they couldn't go to school or day care. When school had holidays or minimum days, which they do almost constantly, I would have to figure something else out then too. Not to mention summertime where I would need to figure out somewhere for my kids to go whole days a a time. Forget lazy days of Summer. They would have to give up sleeping in, "pajama days", play-dates, trips to the swimming hole, and just hanging out in their own backyard. Thomas would probably have to take on many of the same activities I did when I was his age, taking on responsibility for his little sister more and more. Mealtimes would be rushed and late and probably expensive and unhealthy because I wouldn't have time to cook. Our house would be even MORE of a mess than it normally is. Bedtimes would be later. Evenings would be rushed, not restful. All the housework would be consolidated into one of my days off, not to mention appointments like doctors and dentists and errands like grocery shopping or oil changes. Exercise would be a faint memory. No more volunteering in the kids' classes. No more using my God-given gifts in daytime Bible studies. I would become spiritually and emotionally stagnant. My husband would come home to a very different wife because I would be stressed and cranky and exhausted, insufficient, insecure and guilty, guilty, guilty! I know, because I've done it! (And I express my deepest, utmost respect, love, admiration and support of those who do it! I am so proud and in awe of you!)
So there we were in the kitchen together, cleaning it up, and Arvin's asking me what I want for a fantasy birthday gift, and I see that essay, and I stop dead in my tracks and shake my head and point to that paper and say,
"I want you to know that I would give it all up. I would give up every single thing I have now or ever hope to have, every nice thing, every real thing, every possible fantasy to do what I am doing right now. I want to give my kids this life I couldn't have. I want to be here for them. And I know it's hard right now and you carry so much burden on your shoulders and I want you to know right now how very much I appreciate you making this life possible for us. I know it's not easy. I know we could use the extra money. But there is nothing in life that is more precious to me right now than doing exactly what we are doing right now. I just want you to know I appreciate you and what you do and I don't need or want another thing in this life."
I guess I don't say those things enough because out came the waterworks and Arvin was hugging me and "Shhhh"ing me, trying to soothe me, but I kept trying to convince him I was not upset, didn't really need soothing, wasn't hurting, but just wanted him to understand how much he means to me, how much I appreciate him taking the financial burden for our family. I just needed to tell him, that I don't need a thing. I couldn't possibly even dream of asking for anything. He'd already given more than enough.
It's hard to explain, but it goes so much deeper than the standard "mom's/wife's" reply of, "Oh honey, I don't need a single thing for my birthday. Just knowing you love me is more than enough." No, it's this heart wrenching, gut-level realization of where your life and breath come from. A final acknowledgement of what's really important. Gratitude in the genesis of your destiny. It goes beyond ones occupation to the realization that yes, I CAN do "all things" and remembering that it is "through Christ who gives me strength". It's saying, "I know I live and move and have my being....BECAUSE OF YOU!"
I am thankful this Thanksgiving for my husband, yes. For his God-given ability to provide for us. For his love and blessing and understanding and support, and hugs, and "shush"ing me in the kitchen and for the burden he carries everyday. And I am especially thankful for every good gift from above too. For comforts both big and small. What do I want for my birthday? For Christmas? What do I need? Nothing more. I am content. Satisfied. In Christ.
Philippians 3:7-9 (NIV) puts it this way:
"But whatever was to my profit I know consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ--the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith."
Monday, November 21, 2011
Monday, October 24, 2011
Creature of the Night
Some time ago, I began posting about our adventure of my husband working the night shift. I realize that I let this go and neglected to continue posting updates. Recently, this season has just come to a close for us and I thought I'd take this opportunity to look back and recap how it went.
The first, unedited thought that comes to my mind is: Basically, working the night shift sucks. Pardon, my stellar eloquence, but sometimes "sucks" is the best word you can use to describe something. ;)
Of course, it didn't all "suck", there were some good parts too. Arvin did get to bond more and play with our daughter in the afternoons when she got out of school. That was special. While he didn't necessarily manage his original plan to be home and make coffee and make the school lunches after work each day, he was able to take Thomas to his 7:30 AM class often, which helped a lot. And the road he helped resurface looks beautiful. It's so smooth and pretty! I am so proud of him and the work that he does and how God helps him do the right thing every single day. He is an excellent provider. Arvin also managed to take advantage of his schedule to make time to go running with the dogs more often, which is a powerful time for him not only for physical conditioning, but spiritual as well. It's good for the dogs too.
Now for the flip side.
One of the reasons that Arvin wanted to do this job was to gain the experience of working in an urban setting. Most of his previous work had been on rural highways and he wanted to learn what it was like to work in town. He also wanted to work close to home since he's mostly had to commute over an hour both ways just to get to previous job sites. And he truly wanted to work locally so that he could give back to his own neighborhood, the place where he calls home. All very noble intentions, I think. Ok, so now he's got this experience under his belt, and let's just say that he's not exactly going to jump up and own begging to volunteer for it again. ;) When you are working up in the mountains "somewhere" you are avoiding something you simply can't avoid in town...PEOPLE. And people like to complain. About everything. Especially road construction. Even people you like, people you love, even people you're related to. Can I just say that people do have very valid complaints, but added up, it can really take a toll on a guy. He's ready to fade into temporary obscurity for awhile and just do his job without so much public scrutiny. (Although, I'm very proud of him. He never lost it once. And look at that road! We can point to it and say "You did that!")
There were a couple of things that happened during the project that just made our hearts skip a beat. Just awful things. For one, there was the call one Saturday morning that a man had a fatal motorcycle crash within the job site. We were on the way to our kids' soccer games when he got the call and Arvin was seriously worried and concerned and upset that this accident was somehow the result of the ongoing road construction. It was a very grave worry for him and his supervisor. After investigation, it was revealed that the motorcyclist involved was speeding excessively, attempted to pop a wheelie and had been under the influence. Such a sad, sad story and a miracle that his was the only life taken. In my opinion, it just goes to show that you cannot legislate around people's foolish choices. You can take precautions and do all the right things, but you cannot prevent stupid. (Remember this is my opinion and does not reflect anyone else's, not my husband's, not the state.) I wish that man did not have to die. I wish he'd made better choices so that he could live to ride again another day.
Another thing that happened was an echo of what I would say would be one of my worst nightmares. A highway worker was struck and critically injured by a motorist. This young man was working for a sub-contractor on a separate job within the parameters of Arvin's job. His crew was set up properly with all the correct safety measures in place. The night they were working, this man was standing on the sidewalk doing his work when a car careened out of nowhere, smashed thought he cones and stuck him! If not for the rapid response of his coworker administering CPR and the response of emergency crews he may have lost his young life. Last I had heard, the man was out of critical condition, but still very serious and his family was moving from the initial panic of "What just happened?" to "What now?" As far as the driver is concerned, I have only heard that she's had "issues" in the past and I do not know what, if any, repercussions she will face as a result of this. I am just shaking my head. I still don't understand. She almost killed a man and yet there is no word on what happened, and why, and weather or not she'll suffer consequences for her actions.
"Slow for the cone zone" indeed! Cones cannot protect highway workers. Neither can hard hats or reflective gear or all the signs in the world. This is a perilous job when the only thing that can save you is the good judgement of a human being! I am passionate about this: When you drive through a construction zone SLOW DOWN!!! THAT IS MY HUSBAND OUT THERE! I love him and I want him to come home! He said he kind of "gets used to the traffic". He said, you take precautions and then you just do your job. Well, I don't know if I can ever just "get used" to it. But thank God, thank God, THANK GOD that no matter what, God is Faithful! He will protect Arvin. He will bring him home. And if not...if someone chooses to booze it up...if someone chooses to do drugs...if someone chooses to speed....if someone chooses to pop a wheelie...if someone chooses to just plow though the cones...MY GOD IS FAITHFUL. In Him I can trust. In Him alone.
On a personal note, this schedule has had an effect as well. At the beginning of this journey we were warned that Arvin would be tired from working at night. I believed it, but I also wondered, "How tired?". I thought it'd be interesting to see since tired seems to be a way of life for the man. He just goes and goes and goes. I am amazed at his work ethic and stamina. But when he's done, he's done. Put a fork in him! Well, turns out that this level of tired brought out something new indeed. And it's name was "Cranky"! Whoooo boy! I won't go into details, and quite frankly it's not important and I don't even want to relive it all, but I can say that I understand. After all, sleep deprivation is a number one tactic in the torture of POW's and I can see why. Someone sleep deprived just isn't thinking clearly and you can't blame a person for not being themselves. I am SOOOOO GLAD that Arvin's night work is OVER. He's awesome and I am ready to have him back! :)
No more sleeping diagonally in the bed! The creature of the night has returned! Let the sun shine in!
The first, unedited thought that comes to my mind is: Basically, working the night shift sucks. Pardon, my stellar eloquence, but sometimes "sucks" is the best word you can use to describe something. ;)
Of course, it didn't all "suck", there were some good parts too. Arvin did get to bond more and play with our daughter in the afternoons when she got out of school. That was special. While he didn't necessarily manage his original plan to be home and make coffee and make the school lunches after work each day, he was able to take Thomas to his 7:30 AM class often, which helped a lot. And the road he helped resurface looks beautiful. It's so smooth and pretty! I am so proud of him and the work that he does and how God helps him do the right thing every single day. He is an excellent provider. Arvin also managed to take advantage of his schedule to make time to go running with the dogs more often, which is a powerful time for him not only for physical conditioning, but spiritual as well. It's good for the dogs too.
Now for the flip side.
One of the reasons that Arvin wanted to do this job was to gain the experience of working in an urban setting. Most of his previous work had been on rural highways and he wanted to learn what it was like to work in town. He also wanted to work close to home since he's mostly had to commute over an hour both ways just to get to previous job sites. And he truly wanted to work locally so that he could give back to his own neighborhood, the place where he calls home. All very noble intentions, I think. Ok, so now he's got this experience under his belt, and let's just say that he's not exactly going to jump up and own begging to volunteer for it again. ;) When you are working up in the mountains "somewhere" you are avoiding something you simply can't avoid in town...PEOPLE. And people like to complain. About everything. Especially road construction. Even people you like, people you love, even people you're related to. Can I just say that people do have very valid complaints, but added up, it can really take a toll on a guy. He's ready to fade into temporary obscurity for awhile and just do his job without so much public scrutiny. (Although, I'm very proud of him. He never lost it once. And look at that road! We can point to it and say "You did that!")
There were a couple of things that happened during the project that just made our hearts skip a beat. Just awful things. For one, there was the call one Saturday morning that a man had a fatal motorcycle crash within the job site. We were on the way to our kids' soccer games when he got the call and Arvin was seriously worried and concerned and upset that this accident was somehow the result of the ongoing road construction. It was a very grave worry for him and his supervisor. After investigation, it was revealed that the motorcyclist involved was speeding excessively, attempted to pop a wheelie and had been under the influence. Such a sad, sad story and a miracle that his was the only life taken. In my opinion, it just goes to show that you cannot legislate around people's foolish choices. You can take precautions and do all the right things, but you cannot prevent stupid. (Remember this is my opinion and does not reflect anyone else's, not my husband's, not the state.) I wish that man did not have to die. I wish he'd made better choices so that he could live to ride again another day.
Another thing that happened was an echo of what I would say would be one of my worst nightmares. A highway worker was struck and critically injured by a motorist. This young man was working for a sub-contractor on a separate job within the parameters of Arvin's job. His crew was set up properly with all the correct safety measures in place. The night they were working, this man was standing on the sidewalk doing his work when a car careened out of nowhere, smashed thought he cones and stuck him! If not for the rapid response of his coworker administering CPR and the response of emergency crews he may have lost his young life. Last I had heard, the man was out of critical condition, but still very serious and his family was moving from the initial panic of "What just happened?" to "What now?" As far as the driver is concerned, I have only heard that she's had "issues" in the past and I do not know what, if any, repercussions she will face as a result of this. I am just shaking my head. I still don't understand. She almost killed a man and yet there is no word on what happened, and why, and weather or not she'll suffer consequences for her actions.
"Slow for the cone zone" indeed! Cones cannot protect highway workers. Neither can hard hats or reflective gear or all the signs in the world. This is a perilous job when the only thing that can save you is the good judgement of a human being! I am passionate about this: When you drive through a construction zone SLOW DOWN!!! THAT IS MY HUSBAND OUT THERE! I love him and I want him to come home! He said he kind of "gets used to the traffic". He said, you take precautions and then you just do your job. Well, I don't know if I can ever just "get used" to it. But thank God, thank God, THANK GOD that no matter what, God is Faithful! He will protect Arvin. He will bring him home. And if not...if someone chooses to booze it up...if someone chooses to do drugs...if someone chooses to speed....if someone chooses to pop a wheelie...if someone chooses to just plow though the cones...MY GOD IS FAITHFUL. In Him I can trust. In Him alone.
On a personal note, this schedule has had an effect as well. At the beginning of this journey we were warned that Arvin would be tired from working at night. I believed it, but I also wondered, "How tired?". I thought it'd be interesting to see since tired seems to be a way of life for the man. He just goes and goes and goes. I am amazed at his work ethic and stamina. But when he's done, he's done. Put a fork in him! Well, turns out that this level of tired brought out something new indeed. And it's name was "Cranky"! Whoooo boy! I won't go into details, and quite frankly it's not important and I don't even want to relive it all, but I can say that I understand. After all, sleep deprivation is a number one tactic in the torture of POW's and I can see why. Someone sleep deprived just isn't thinking clearly and you can't blame a person for not being themselves. I am SOOOOO GLAD that Arvin's night work is OVER. He's awesome and I am ready to have him back! :)
No more sleeping diagonally in the bed! The creature of the night has returned! Let the sun shine in!
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
What I Did This Summer
I can't believe it. This is our last day of Summer Vacation. School starts tomorrow. It's been a great Summer and tomorrow a whole new phase of life begins as Thomas starts middle school and Norah goes into first grade. Sounds so cliche, but where does the time go? My "babies" are growing and changing and there is not a dang thing I can do about it. Without my permission, time marches on. And this is the kick off to a busy season of all the demands of school and soccer...and life. And in the midst of all this, Arvin is working nights. So I wonder what this will look like for our family routine? I guess I'd better master some crock pot ideas so that dinner will be ready and warm well before the busy rush in the evenings. The middle of the day, when Arvin's sleeping and the kids are at school will be relatively quiet for me. The hours between 2:00 and 9:00 PM will be crunch time for me, I guess. Sigh.....It will be good. The safety and security of routine will settle down around us like a soothing blanket of fog and all will be well. I'm ready...I think.
I'm taking the time today, on this last day of Summer Vacation, to look back on what a great summer it truly was. And since it's all a blur, I grabbed our calendar off the wall and I have it in front of me to spark those memories.
Let's see...Let's start with the last day of school! Thomas's 6th grade graduation was neat. I was so proud of him. Seven years at one school is a gift for him from my heart to his, even if he doesn't realize it. I so want to give my kids stability. And it's paying off because Thomas is flourishing both as a student and a person. Dominique was here to celebrate with us. That is always a treat. Talk about a flourishing person! A daughter of my heart. And Norah had her Kindergarten "graduation" too. What a sweet memory maker. It is such a milestone to go from a little kid to a "grader". ;) Although, at the time, my mother-in-law was sick and we really worried about her. That was no fun. She works too hard. Glad Dome was here to make her go to the doctor. She recovered though, praise God.
The next week, Thomas had his annual eye exam where he learned that he needed to now wear his glasses full-time. This did not go over well. It was really rough for awhile. He was afraid it would change him, how he looked, and even how he played. I could understand and my heart ached for him. I even offered to wear my glasses full time in solidarity. But eventually, time and the prayers of many helped him adapt to his new reality. He wears his glasses faithfully now without complaint. And he looks so good in them!
Two days later, he went off of the youth group camping trip where they got to fish and swim and shoot GUNS! He had a blast. Ha ha, had a blast! No pun intended.
Oh yes, and then there was the Sunday where I think my Pastor lost a few marbles because he actually asked me to...well, I guess you'd call it "preach" though I hesitate to call it that. But I did speak on something God had been burning in my heart for awhile and that was a message of encouragement for our county and city. Oh boy, that's a whole other blog post. But I have to say, I love where I live and I think there is a lot of good that goes on here and I really wanted to proclaim it to my church family and I hope that God spoke a word of encouragement to them that day.
So Thomas was barely back from his camping adventure when he was off to baseball camp where he got to go and be coached and play ball with a local team of college-age ball players. It was an awesome opportunity for him and he learned a lot and had a great time. As part of the registration fee, we were given a bunch of tickets to come to their ball games and we went to three along with different other people each time and it was a blast! We will for sure be making the ball field a regular summer tradition from now on! What great memories.
July rolled around to the annual church BBQ & picnic, which was lovely as always. I could just lay underneath those leafy trees and feel the warm breeze drift over me forever. I love my church family so much.
The next day was the 4th of July. We had just got in the car to go to our friends' house to set off fireworks and were maybe a half a block from home when Norah asked for a mint. We keep them up front in the console. The mint tin is kind of difficult for her to open so I usually pop it open and hand it to her so she can pick her own mint. This time I didn't open it for some reason and just passed the tin back to her. Evidently, she was going to take matters into her own hands, or shall I say, teeth. Because next thing I know, I hear her brother screaming, "NORAH BROKE A TOOTH! SHE'S BLEEDING!!!!!!" I pull over quickly, put the car in park, double check that I put the car in park, rip off my seat belt, jump out of the car, open her door and see blood!!!! She's crying hysterically, I'm yelling, Arvin's yelling, it's chaos. I had a tissue in my hand and I'm screaming, "WHERE'S THE TOOTH?!" And Arvin's yelling, "IT'S IN YOUR HAND!" I look in her mouth, I look at the tooth.....and the root is all neatly reabsorbed.....and it dawns on me.....this is no crisis. This child has simply lost her first tooth. I show her. I explain to her and to all of us, that this is okay, this is normal, this was actually supposed to happen. Everything is okay. She is growing up. We, all of us, just weren't ready for it. It came totally out of the blue. There was no ceremony, no warning, no tradition of the wiggly tooth. Just BAM! Completely and totally without my consent or approval, a major change had come and my baby had changed. And it was all just so shocking, and so wonderful and so sad all at once. We half laughed with relief and as we resumed our drive, behind my sunglasses, I half cried with the heart of a mom who's broken heart needed to get up and keep walking to the beat of time that yields for no woman. It was great. And so completely unfair.
Tooth count for the summer: Norah lost another one a couple of weeks later and Thomas lost three later. Five teeth total. And I didn't approve a single one. Something tells me I don't have as much control as I like to think I do.
So next up for Mr. Thomas was a day trip to the water slides with the youth group. Another fun-filled, action packed day!
This was not to be a lazy, hazy summer for him because next up was his 12th birthday. Instead of a birthday party, we took him to see his favorite professional baseball team play their arch rivals! It was a perfect trip! We ate ate all our favorite restaurants, we had a great ride on a ferry to and from the game, and our team beat their opponents 5-0! Couldn't ask for a better time. Memories.
Went to a quilt show. I could write a whole sermon just based on quilts and I am in awe of how much goes into making these works of art. Went to a jewelry party and spent too much money. Why do I like bling so much? Again another sermon because Heaven is COVERED in gems and I guess I just like that sort of thing! ;) Checked books out of the Library with the kiddos. Thomas and I are now into Sasquatch and we even looked for books about that as we are now firm believers that Big Foot is real. ;) I checked out a book about Amish quilts too. This is my Amish summer. I ordered a lot of Amish fiction on my Kindle and loved every word. Something in me is craving a simpler life. Kind of a funny contrast with my innate craving for bling, huh? Yes, I know I'm messed up. Perpetual tension. It is --or it will be--well with my soul. The first step is admitting you have a problem. Some days, I don't think I have a problem and then other days I AM the problem.
Our big family adventure for the summer was a trip to visit Arvin's sister and family. We had such a good time. It was the "perfect" amount of everything, sun, relaxing, swimming, shopping, eating, laughing. It was...just...great.
And of course, it was a double-play for Thomas again as he didn't even make it home from that trip. As soon as we pulled into town, we dropped him off for an overnight slumber party camp out for his best bud's birthday party. Our son we pooped!!! Too much fun! He cannot say that he was bored this summer, that is for sure!
We celebrated our 16th wedding anniversary this summer as well as six years at our current home. Thank you God. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
The days in between all the "big stuff", the kids slept in, watched cartoons and movies, played in the back yard, did workbooks that I forced them to do, had fun outside with a little plastic kiddie pool, climbed the tree and just had fun. We had a couple of play dates. We met friends twice to go swimming at a local park that has a little dammed up river. I got a tan for the first time since I was a teenager I think. Felt great. :)
It just felt great. I think that could be the theme of the summer.
I never want anything to come to an end. The last day of school I get all nostalgic and don't want it to end. The last day of summer vacation is here and I don't want it to end either. And I guess it's good that I don't get a vote because if I did, then nothing would ever change and new memories would not get to be made. This is going to be a great new season in life. New adventures made better by the experiences of the past. We're all growing and changing and learning and thriving. Thank you God. Thank you God. Thank you God. Thank you God. You never change, you never fail.
I'm taking the time today, on this last day of Summer Vacation, to look back on what a great summer it truly was. And since it's all a blur, I grabbed our calendar off the wall and I have it in front of me to spark those memories.
Let's see...Let's start with the last day of school! Thomas's 6th grade graduation was neat. I was so proud of him. Seven years at one school is a gift for him from my heart to his, even if he doesn't realize it. I so want to give my kids stability. And it's paying off because Thomas is flourishing both as a student and a person. Dominique was here to celebrate with us. That is always a treat. Talk about a flourishing person! A daughter of my heart. And Norah had her Kindergarten "graduation" too. What a sweet memory maker. It is such a milestone to go from a little kid to a "grader". ;) Although, at the time, my mother-in-law was sick and we really worried about her. That was no fun. She works too hard. Glad Dome was here to make her go to the doctor. She recovered though, praise God.
The next week, Thomas had his annual eye exam where he learned that he needed to now wear his glasses full-time. This did not go over well. It was really rough for awhile. He was afraid it would change him, how he looked, and even how he played. I could understand and my heart ached for him. I even offered to wear my glasses full time in solidarity. But eventually, time and the prayers of many helped him adapt to his new reality. He wears his glasses faithfully now without complaint. And he looks so good in them!
Two days later, he went off of the youth group camping trip where they got to fish and swim and shoot GUNS! He had a blast. Ha ha, had a blast! No pun intended.
Oh yes, and then there was the Sunday where I think my Pastor lost a few marbles because he actually asked me to...well, I guess you'd call it "preach" though I hesitate to call it that. But I did speak on something God had been burning in my heart for awhile and that was a message of encouragement for our county and city. Oh boy, that's a whole other blog post. But I have to say, I love where I live and I think there is a lot of good that goes on here and I really wanted to proclaim it to my church family and I hope that God spoke a word of encouragement to them that day.
So Thomas was barely back from his camping adventure when he was off to baseball camp where he got to go and be coached and play ball with a local team of college-age ball players. It was an awesome opportunity for him and he learned a lot and had a great time. As part of the registration fee, we were given a bunch of tickets to come to their ball games and we went to three along with different other people each time and it was a blast! We will for sure be making the ball field a regular summer tradition from now on! What great memories.
July rolled around to the annual church BBQ & picnic, which was lovely as always. I could just lay underneath those leafy trees and feel the warm breeze drift over me forever. I love my church family so much.
The next day was the 4th of July. We had just got in the car to go to our friends' house to set off fireworks and were maybe a half a block from home when Norah asked for a mint. We keep them up front in the console. The mint tin is kind of difficult for her to open so I usually pop it open and hand it to her so she can pick her own mint. This time I didn't open it for some reason and just passed the tin back to her. Evidently, she was going to take matters into her own hands, or shall I say, teeth. Because next thing I know, I hear her brother screaming, "NORAH BROKE A TOOTH! SHE'S BLEEDING!!!!!!" I pull over quickly, put the car in park, double check that I put the car in park, rip off my seat belt, jump out of the car, open her door and see blood!!!! She's crying hysterically, I'm yelling, Arvin's yelling, it's chaos. I had a tissue in my hand and I'm screaming, "WHERE'S THE TOOTH?!" And Arvin's yelling, "IT'S IN YOUR HAND!" I look in her mouth, I look at the tooth.....and the root is all neatly reabsorbed.....and it dawns on me.....this is no crisis. This child has simply lost her first tooth. I show her. I explain to her and to all of us, that this is okay, this is normal, this was actually supposed to happen. Everything is okay. She is growing up. We, all of us, just weren't ready for it. It came totally out of the blue. There was no ceremony, no warning, no tradition of the wiggly tooth. Just BAM! Completely and totally without my consent or approval, a major change had come and my baby had changed. And it was all just so shocking, and so wonderful and so sad all at once. We half laughed with relief and as we resumed our drive, behind my sunglasses, I half cried with the heart of a mom who's broken heart needed to get up and keep walking to the beat of time that yields for no woman. It was great. And so completely unfair.
Tooth count for the summer: Norah lost another one a couple of weeks later and Thomas lost three later. Five teeth total. And I didn't approve a single one. Something tells me I don't have as much control as I like to think I do.
So next up for Mr. Thomas was a day trip to the water slides with the youth group. Another fun-filled, action packed day!
This was not to be a lazy, hazy summer for him because next up was his 12th birthday. Instead of a birthday party, we took him to see his favorite professional baseball team play their arch rivals! It was a perfect trip! We ate ate all our favorite restaurants, we had a great ride on a ferry to and from the game, and our team beat their opponents 5-0! Couldn't ask for a better time. Memories.
Went to a quilt show. I could write a whole sermon just based on quilts and I am in awe of how much goes into making these works of art. Went to a jewelry party and spent too much money. Why do I like bling so much? Again another sermon because Heaven is COVERED in gems and I guess I just like that sort of thing! ;) Checked books out of the Library with the kiddos. Thomas and I are now into Sasquatch and we even looked for books about that as we are now firm believers that Big Foot is real. ;) I checked out a book about Amish quilts too. This is my Amish summer. I ordered a lot of Amish fiction on my Kindle and loved every word. Something in me is craving a simpler life. Kind of a funny contrast with my innate craving for bling, huh? Yes, I know I'm messed up. Perpetual tension. It is --or it will be--well with my soul. The first step is admitting you have a problem. Some days, I don't think I have a problem and then other days I AM the problem.
Our big family adventure for the summer was a trip to visit Arvin's sister and family. We had such a good time. It was the "perfect" amount of everything, sun, relaxing, swimming, shopping, eating, laughing. It was...just...great.
And of course, it was a double-play for Thomas again as he didn't even make it home from that trip. As soon as we pulled into town, we dropped him off for an overnight slumber party camp out for his best bud's birthday party. Our son we pooped!!! Too much fun! He cannot say that he was bored this summer, that is for sure!
We celebrated our 16th wedding anniversary this summer as well as six years at our current home. Thank you God. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
The days in between all the "big stuff", the kids slept in, watched cartoons and movies, played in the back yard, did workbooks that I forced them to do, had fun outside with a little plastic kiddie pool, climbed the tree and just had fun. We had a couple of play dates. We met friends twice to go swimming at a local park that has a little dammed up river. I got a tan for the first time since I was a teenager I think. Felt great. :)
It just felt great. I think that could be the theme of the summer.
I never want anything to come to an end. The last day of school I get all nostalgic and don't want it to end. The last day of summer vacation is here and I don't want it to end either. And I guess it's good that I don't get a vote because if I did, then nothing would ever change and new memories would not get to be made. This is going to be a great new season in life. New adventures made better by the experiences of the past. We're all growing and changing and learning and thriving. Thank you God. Thank you God. Thank you God. Thank you God. You never change, you never fail.
"You're the God of my days
the King of my nights
You'll never leave me
You are faithful."
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Mother-ish
Let's leave the Cone Zone, take a little detour from the construction, for a bit while I share a story that happened in the car today. It's just one of those things that I need to self-therapize on a little and perhaps edify not only myself, but other mothers as well.
First, today's Scripture:
First, today's Scripture:
"We know what real love is because Christ gave up his life for us. And so we also ought to give up our lives for our Christian brothers and sisters."
1 John 3:16 (NLT)
Well, my littlest child, my sweet Norah has graduated from Kindergarten today. It was an awesome year for her and she had a great teacher. Mrs. Barrera made a special memory binder for each student and handed them out at a special Kindergarten promotion ceremony. The front page has a snapshot of each student on the very first day of school and the last page has a picture of the student sometime at the end of the year. At the bottom of the page is a little bit of an interview of the child. My name is _____. I am ___ years old. In Kindergarten I learned _________. And so on. The last line is really special. It says, "When I grow up I want to be a _______________________." And what did my daughter say?
She said, "When I grow up I want to be a mom and wash dishes."
Oh, how this delighted my heart! :) I was deeply honored that she must be witnessing my life as a mom and somehow, along the way, I have made the job look very appealing. Being a mom is, at least in this season of my life, the very reason I breathe in and out all day. I am glad that my daughter sees my joy in this and at least for now, in her Kindergarten innocence, wishes to someday follow in my footsteps.
Well, today was also a very special day for our son, Thomas. He is in the 6th Grade and has had his special 6th Grade Promotion ceremony where the students are honored before going on to middle school. Grandparents and Uncle and Cousins were all in attendance to celebrate. We picked up my mother for the ceremony as she is disabled and could not drive herself. We were in the car on the way to the graduation when I was sharing with her about Norah's cute little memory book and the funny quote she had at the end.
"When I grow up I want to be a mom and do dishes." I smiled.
My mom was a bit different in her approach.
"Oh no! Somebody's gotta educate her a bit! Not a mom! She's gotta be something like the President!! Anything but that! It's such a thankless job!!! Mothers are never appreciated. Never ever appreciated."
And on.
And on.
And on.
And each word was a thoughtless kick in my gut.
I tried to smile. I tried to consider the source. I tried to deflect and maybe perhaps defend..."But I was proud of her. I think being a mom is the best job on earth...."
And more about being unappreciated. Un-thanked.
Now, anyone who knows me or knows my mom might have some insight into this particular situation. The sad fact is, in a very brief summation, that I know that my mom has had a very difficult life for many different reasons, some of them her own choice and some of them tragically not. She is, for all her faults, a walking (albeit barely) miracle. It amazes me that she still calls earth home. And I know that she loves me very very much, in her own special way.
But she is not "Mother-ish". She is not mature. And she has a very difficult time thinking beyond her own comfort and needs. I have a hard time shopping for an honest Mother's Day card because so many of them talk about a mom that gives and does so much for her children. She has bent reality around herself. I search for cards that simply state the truth: that I love her. I love her for who she IS and not who I wish her to be. I had to leave my wish behind a long time ago.
And yet, I praise God for who she is because it has compelled me to be the mother I am today. I say this not in a hateful, disrespectful, vengeful way, but in a truly honoring way. I honor my mother by being a credit TO her. I am able to look back at things and evaluate how I want to interpret, extend, or change them for my own kids.
I want to lay down my life for my children.
And I do.
Every single day.
I am not a mother for the accolades. I did not give birth so I can be thanked. I do not do the zillion things I do each day for the appreciation. I do not demand recognition. Nor do I complain when it doesn't flow like water.
To be "Mother-ish", you live beyond yourself. You pour yourself into someone else. You think beyond your needs. And you do the same thing, day after day after day, because of how much you love that other person. Every single thing I do as a mom has extremely critical, eternal consequences. Every mundane errand. Every daily chore. Even those dishes. It all weaves a tapestry. It all composes a song that beats in the heart of the child, "You matter to me. You matter to me. You matter to me."
I drive my kids to school because they matter to me.
I vacuum the living room floor because they matter to me.
I fold the laundry because they matter to me.
I get up early and pray for them...because they matter to me.
I love them. I would--and I do--lay my life down for them every single day.
I know that my mom didn't MEAN to hurt me by her words. I HOPE that she didn't mean to imply that she hated her time in raising children. I HOPE that she was merely being supportive of my little girl's future and trying to be encouraging in so far as she can be whatever she wants to be in life. I am ASSUMING that my mom didn't mean to imply that I am wasting my life by investing myself in mothering. And I am REMEMBERING my own mother's life, the experiences and the times that shaped her point of view. And and am TRYING to interpret her words through a filter of LOVE.
Because EVERY DAY is Mother's Day.
"We know what real love is because Christ gave up his life for us. And so we also ought to give up our lives for our Christian brothers and sisters."
1 John 3:16 (NLT)
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Dirty Laundry
Just a few minutes ago, I was folding a load of laundry. It was delicates. This included my um...delicates, of course, as well as a few precious contributions from my sweet daughter such as a sweater dress and a few embellished t-shirts that I wash inside out so they maintain their adornment. Today's load featured a special guest star. It is a highly reflective, specialized work shirt that belongs to my nocturnal road working husband. Yes, the fellas from The Village People would be jealous. It is an extremely visible neon green and has reflective strips to accent this fashion statement. On the tag, it actually tells you to wash it in cold water AND to only wash it 25 times. After that, it is done. You can no longer use it as a safety garment. I find that interesting. (Or as our daughter pronounces it, "insteresting".) I thought it'd be neat if they had a tag or tick system inside of it so you could mark the number of washings. I have no official clue as to how many times I've washed this shirt. I know it's well under 25, so we're good. I think. Hm....well, if you hear a story on the news about a brown man being used as a speed bump one night, then you might know what happened...his wife failed in her wifely laundry duties.
Anyway, my dearly beloved hubby was up after a pretty good morning's sleep. This time I think it was 5 to 11:30-ish or so. And he was sitting here watching TV while I was folding this load of laundry on the sofa next to him. I joked that his work shirt was so bright that the other clothes in the load were scared of it. We chatted about the limit on the washings and he said something to the effect of, "Yea, I try not to put it in the laundry to much. I think I've worn it like four times since it's last been washed, but last night, we were doing sewer work and it got dirty so I thought I should put it in the wash."
Ummmm.....sewer work????
Floating around with my.......delicates? With my sweet little daughter's sweater dress???
Really?
Niiiiiiiiiice!
Anyways.....other than THAT, things have been going quite swimmingly. I think we're getting into some sort of a routine. We're trying to plan our vacation for this summer. That is all up in the air still, but should have some sort of direction soon. His poor boss broke her ankle and has to have surgery tomorrow! :( She has to cancel her own vacation that was coming up soon. That's a bummer. Our vacation dates basically depend on whatever is agreed upon between her and Arvin....so stay tuned for scenes from the next episode of "As the Ankle Turns".
Anyway, my dearly beloved hubby was up after a pretty good morning's sleep. This time I think it was 5 to 11:30-ish or so. And he was sitting here watching TV while I was folding this load of laundry on the sofa next to him. I joked that his work shirt was so bright that the other clothes in the load were scared of it. We chatted about the limit on the washings and he said something to the effect of, "Yea, I try not to put it in the laundry to much. I think I've worn it like four times since it's last been washed, but last night, we were doing sewer work and it got dirty so I thought I should put it in the wash."
Ummmm.....sewer work????
Floating around with my.......delicates? With my sweet little daughter's sweater dress???
Really?
Niiiiiiiiiice!
Anyways.....other than THAT, things have been going quite swimmingly. I think we're getting into some sort of a routine. We're trying to plan our vacation for this summer. That is all up in the air still, but should have some sort of direction soon. His poor boss broke her ankle and has to have surgery tomorrow! :( She has to cancel her own vacation that was coming up soon. That's a bummer. Our vacation dates basically depend on whatever is agreed upon between her and Arvin....so stay tuned for scenes from the next episode of "As the Ankle Turns".
Friday, June 3, 2011
Hit & Miss
Well, the rain has still been doing its thing. Which is normal, actually, for this time of year. We, as a community, tend to forget this fact. We think because the calendar says "June" that it should be all sunshine all the time. But let us not forget all the graduations and weddings that happen with eyes cast on uncertain skies!
So this has meant that, for Arvin, this week has been rather hit and miss, work-wise. He's mostly worked days this week. He did work Wednesday night and was home by 5:00 AM. He slept maybe 2 1/2-3 hours and then was up the rest of the day, working some. Needless to say, he was very happy to be reunited with his pillow last night. We were laughing together yesterday because it seems like this new schedule is anything BUT a schedule. It is just work whenever, wherever, for now at least.
Anyway, that's the update for now. Not much to report other than it was kinda lonely without him the other night. I can see how that will be a long haul later. Oh, and there are a couple of events coming up this month where I am going to have to get the nerve up and ask someone to watch my kids for me when I have to go somewhere. I hate doing that. I just don't like asking for help. And I wish for my kids that they could just stay in the comfort of their home. But we do have some very wonderful, awesome grandparents and I know that when they watch our kids it's not just helping us out, but facilitating a wonderful life-long bond between them. So it's okay. I just need to get the nerve up to ASK. :)
So this has meant that, for Arvin, this week has been rather hit and miss, work-wise. He's mostly worked days this week. He did work Wednesday night and was home by 5:00 AM. He slept maybe 2 1/2-3 hours and then was up the rest of the day, working some. Needless to say, he was very happy to be reunited with his pillow last night. We were laughing together yesterday because it seems like this new schedule is anything BUT a schedule. It is just work whenever, wherever, for now at least.
Anyway, that's the update for now. Not much to report other than it was kinda lonely without him the other night. I can see how that will be a long haul later. Oh, and there are a couple of events coming up this month where I am going to have to get the nerve up and ask someone to watch my kids for me when I have to go somewhere. I hate doing that. I just don't like asking for help. And I wish for my kids that they could just stay in the comfort of their home. But we do have some very wonderful, awesome grandparents and I know that when they watch our kids it's not just helping us out, but facilitating a wonderful life-long bond between them. So it's okay. I just need to get the nerve up to ASK. :)
Monday, May 30, 2011
Rain Again
Rain, Rain!
Go Away!
Come again another day!
The beep of the cell phone beckoned from the hall closet while I was torturing Arvin with a mutual session with the diabolical Jillian Michaels. After we survived our workout where one moment Jillian was telling us that we should "really be feeling alive" and the next moment she said that we "should be begging for death", Arvin limped over and checked his voice mail where he learned that another night's work has been canceled due to rain. I wondered if construction workers are made of sugar and Arvin gave me a mercifully and uncharacteristically brief lesson on the fine line between being able to work in the rain and not being able to work in the rain. Needless to say, he'd prefer to at least get some work in because putting it off now only means longer days in the future to make up for it, but deciding to be optimistic he said he is happy to be home with us.
Folks have asked how Arvin is adjusting to this new schedule and the best we can so far, is we don't really know yet. :)
Jillian must not have been very hard on the Arvinator, because he talked about taking the dogs out for a run later. Funny! I'm off to lay in the fetal position...
Go Away!
Come again another day!
The beep of the cell phone beckoned from the hall closet while I was torturing Arvin with a mutual session with the diabolical Jillian Michaels. After we survived our workout where one moment Jillian was telling us that we should "really be feeling alive" and the next moment she said that we "should be begging for death", Arvin limped over and checked his voice mail where he learned that another night's work has been canceled due to rain. I wondered if construction workers are made of sugar and Arvin gave me a mercifully and uncharacteristically brief lesson on the fine line between being able to work in the rain and not being able to work in the rain. Needless to say, he'd prefer to at least get some work in because putting it off now only means longer days in the future to make up for it, but deciding to be optimistic he said he is happy to be home with us.
Folks have asked how Arvin is adjusting to this new schedule and the best we can so far, is we don't really know yet. :)
Jillian must not have been very hard on the Arvinator, because he talked about taking the dogs out for a run later. Funny! I'm off to lay in the fetal position...
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
90% Chance of Confusion, I think, I dunno, I can't remember...
What's today? Day Three? Or Day Four? Or by now, it's the eve of Day 4. I have a feeling I am not going to keep up with the numbering the days thing. Like Arvin is at this point, I am losing track of what day it is. He said he is already finding himself telling people to "Have a good night", even if it is daytime. :) This discombobulation has me wondering if we were ever really combobulated in the first place.
I was planning on having posted a bit earlier than this, but this has just been a very discombobulating 24 hours actually. Arvin woke up around 1:30 yesterday after a good solid stretch of sleep to find a voice mail from the contractor that they were cancelling that night's work because there was a 90% chance of rain. Well, shucks. NOW what do ya do? A half dozen phone calls later and it was what it was. He stayed home and we looked out the window wondering when that rain was going to come. Turns out, we'd have been waiting a long time because it didn't come really until the wee hours and we both imagine that they'd have been able to accomplish at least most of their work for the night. Ah, but that's how these things go sometimes, I suppose. It was nice to have my man snoring beside me last night.
Both Thomas and I suggested to him that he might want to maintain his schedule as much as possible and stay up as late as he could, but when the pillow beckons, Arvin is not one to resist.
Then the funny thing was that he had a meeting called by his boss for today at 1:00. I said, "Doesn't she know you work nights?," rather cheekily. Evidently, this "nights" thing pretty much means whenever, wherever, and be ready to work basically 24/7, as needed. Oh, and the days you work might be flexible too because now that they didn't work last night, they may add an extra night tomorrow night. I can sense that this is going to be lots and lots of fun. That is if you totally like living with an uncertain fate. :)
But there are perks too. Yes, I can hear my Dad in my head, "Like a paycheck". Yes Dad. But also time...Today, Arvin got to come along on Norah's class field trip to the High School's Agricultural Fair. It was lots of fun and great that he got to be there and share the memories. We were assigned the sweetest, best behaved and most lovely foursome of little girls in the class (God Bless that teacher!) and we didn't lose a single one! We watched log bucking, archery, and fishing, and got to pet cows and horses and bunnies, and we got to look at pigs and sheep and all sorts of critters. I was impressed by the high school students running the demonstrations. They were very smart, kind, prepared, and knowledgeable. Their parents and teachers must be very proud.
I had an eye exam today and Arvin was also able to be home to watch Norah while I went to do that. I have taken her along with me to that appointment several times before, and it's very do-able, but not particularly easy for either her or me. So it was a blessing that she got to stay home and play while I took care of that.
A recipe called "Loaded Potato Chowder" and whole grain rolls were for dinner tonight and when it was time to say good-bye, that sinking fog sensation did not roll in...the one that echos "this is too hard". That was good. That was a blessing. But it's relative, "I hate good-byes" did whisper in my brain. Why did that pop in? He was just going to work, that happens all the time. And I remembered that little bit of myself, from way back, and why it is that I flinch at good-byes, why I hate watching the last episode of anything, why I cried even when I left a job that I really wanted to leave...When I was a little kid, I packed and moved a lot. And having stability really meant a lot to me then and obviously still does today. So sometimes even packing for a much anticipated vacation or saying "Have a good day at work honey", gives me butterflies. But only sometimes. God has done quite a healing work in my life in that area and will be faithful to complete it.
I didn't come across a Scripture verse today that seemed to just pop out out "nowhere" and soothe my mental hiccup. So I will offer instead one of my favorites, one of many, that reminds me of my husband as he works tonight on the highway:
I was planning on having posted a bit earlier than this, but this has just been a very discombobulating 24 hours actually. Arvin woke up around 1:30 yesterday after a good solid stretch of sleep to find a voice mail from the contractor that they were cancelling that night's work because there was a 90% chance of rain. Well, shucks. NOW what do ya do? A half dozen phone calls later and it was what it was. He stayed home and we looked out the window wondering when that rain was going to come. Turns out, we'd have been waiting a long time because it didn't come really until the wee hours and we both imagine that they'd have been able to accomplish at least most of their work for the night. Ah, but that's how these things go sometimes, I suppose. It was nice to have my man snoring beside me last night.
Both Thomas and I suggested to him that he might want to maintain his schedule as much as possible and stay up as late as he could, but when the pillow beckons, Arvin is not one to resist.
Then the funny thing was that he had a meeting called by his boss for today at 1:00. I said, "Doesn't she know you work nights?," rather cheekily. Evidently, this "nights" thing pretty much means whenever, wherever, and be ready to work basically 24/7, as needed. Oh, and the days you work might be flexible too because now that they didn't work last night, they may add an extra night tomorrow night. I can sense that this is going to be lots and lots of fun. That is if you totally like living with an uncertain fate. :)
But there are perks too. Yes, I can hear my Dad in my head, "Like a paycheck". Yes Dad. But also time...Today, Arvin got to come along on Norah's class field trip to the High School's Agricultural Fair. It was lots of fun and great that he got to be there and share the memories. We were assigned the sweetest, best behaved and most lovely foursome of little girls in the class (God Bless that teacher!) and we didn't lose a single one! We watched log bucking, archery, and fishing, and got to pet cows and horses and bunnies, and we got to look at pigs and sheep and all sorts of critters. I was impressed by the high school students running the demonstrations. They were very smart, kind, prepared, and knowledgeable. Their parents and teachers must be very proud.
I had an eye exam today and Arvin was also able to be home to watch Norah while I went to do that. I have taken her along with me to that appointment several times before, and it's very do-able, but not particularly easy for either her or me. So it was a blessing that she got to stay home and play while I took care of that.
A recipe called "Loaded Potato Chowder" and whole grain rolls were for dinner tonight and when it was time to say good-bye, that sinking fog sensation did not roll in...the one that echos "this is too hard". That was good. That was a blessing. But it's relative, "I hate good-byes" did whisper in my brain. Why did that pop in? He was just going to work, that happens all the time. And I remembered that little bit of myself, from way back, and why it is that I flinch at good-byes, why I hate watching the last episode of anything, why I cried even when I left a job that I really wanted to leave...When I was a little kid, I packed and moved a lot. And having stability really meant a lot to me then and obviously still does today. So sometimes even packing for a much anticipated vacation or saying "Have a good day at work honey", gives me butterflies. But only sometimes. God has done quite a healing work in my life in that area and will be faithful to complete it.
I didn't come across a Scripture verse today that seemed to just pop out out "nowhere" and soothe my mental hiccup. So I will offer instead one of my favorites, one of many, that reminds me of my husband as he works tonight on the highway:
"Go out! Prepare the highway for my people to return! Smooth out the road; pull out the boulders; raise flag for all nations to see."
Isaiah 62:10 (NLT)
Amen!
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Night Interrupted
DAY THREE
So yesterday, the sleeping was spotty. Sleepin' around 10:00, up by Noon, snoozed again 'till 2-ish then up for the rest of the day. So I knew, fatigue-wise that there is a storm comin'! ;) But the neat thing was Norah's reaction when she came home to find Daddy home and awake. She yelled, "Daddy!!!!" and JUMPED into his arms and pretty much spent the rest of the afternoon playing with him. Arvin is a really, exceptionally excellent father. He likes to play with the kids where I am more of a set it up, give them what they need and just make sure no one gets hurt, sort of parent.
Arvin helped me make dinner. This time it was good old bacon and eggs. Sometimes breakfast for dinner just hits the spot. He did the bacon, I did the eggs...I am told I flip them better...but how is it that I make everyone else's yokes turn out perfect while my own always pop? Then Arvin also helped out by giving Norah a bath. Like I said, pretty much a perfect parent. What am I here for anyway? Vacuuming and laundry services, evidently. ;) The afternoon was pretty much great and soon it was time for him to leave for work. Well fed and smellin' clean, we wished him a good night.
And then that feeling rolled in like the fog.
That "this is hard" fog.
That "I don't wanna live like a single parent" feeling.
It was a sort of a mini ripple of panicky feeling that you get just before you do something that you are not super ready to do. One quick gulp of air before dunking your head under water.
Lots of doubts crept in. I know in my heart that IF i had to do it all myself, that God would step in and give me everything I needed to get the job done. I would be sufficient in Him. He's made me strong and resourceful and full of joy and blessed me with many strong people in my life. I've had stretches where Arvin worked super long hours and all the best in me rose to the surface and I was able to hold down the fort at home. But it was lonely, hard work. And ironically, when he returned it took adjustment because I'd become accustomed to being independent. I don't know how the wives of our service men do it. God bless them. I have only sampled that dynamic and they have my respect.
And part of me feels guilty during those long-away times when I have to ask more of our son. "Can you get that ____?" "Would you help your sister _____?" "Could you please _____?" I know that he's older and it is actually for his benefit to learn to do more and more things not only for himself but to bless others as well. We are part of a family and each member does their part. But I am insecure in this area because I grew up with a mother who asked a lot of us as children, and I overcompensate by asking comparatively little of my own kids. Balance. I want to learn to keep it in balance.
Well, bedtimes for the kids went pretty well. Norah only got up once to ask for a blanket that she had wadded up and stuffed inside the oven of her play kitchen. Yea, she's odd like that. Thomas and I watched TV for awhile and then I sent him to bed around 9:00. I washed my face and went to bed, expecting a call from Arvin before I fell asleep. He said he'd try to call around 10:00. He must've been busy because the call never came.
But that was okay because the night was punctuated by other events. In between my odd dreams about Steven Tyler complaining to me about the American Idol set, both of my kids had their chance at waking me up. I was tossing and turning around midnight, when I heard music coming from my son's room. You know how just the slightest sounds seem so amplified in the calm and still of the night. It was country music. Garth Brooks to be exact. And I realized, Thomas was singing along! As my brain tuned in I realized he was actually belting out the words! "If tomorrow never comes............"! Oh good Lord. No wonder this child is so difficult to wake up in the morning! So I got up and knocked on is door. The singing halts. "Um, hey, Midnight Cowboy, can ya please turn down the music and go to sleep?" No reply. If tomorrow never comes? It already was tomorrow and he was crowin' about it! :)
Back to bed and to see what more Steven Tyler might have to say. Never did find out because and hour later Norah screams, "MOMMY! MOMMY! HELLLLLP! MOOOOOOOOOOOMY!!!!" in that blood-curdling, awful, shriek in the middle of the night that just gets a parent's heart thumpin'. So I FLY down the hall praying "Oh good Lord, is she okay? What's wrong?!?!?!?!"
The problem?
She couldn't find the right button on her radio.
What is it with these kids and their nocturnal audio entertainment?! What are we running here, a recording studio?!
Of course, as soon as I was in her room, "Oops, I found it." as the music was playing.
"Norah, don't you ever scream at me like that in the middle of the night again unless something is seriously wrong!"
I can be very unedited at night.
And after what seemed like two blinks of an eye it was 6:00 AM and the man of my dreams was trying to crawl into bed. "What are you doing?!", I said. "It's time to get up and get the kids off to school!" :) And he did help. The coffee fairy had come, the lunch fairy had come, even the Cream of Wheat Fairy appeared, which is very rare and wonderful because mom usually resorts to whatever we can fit in the toaster or cold cereal. Then we took the little musical savants to school so their teachers can try to stuff as much information as they can into those little brains in six hours. Arvin returned to bed around 8:30 and has been in there since. The storm came and he is rolling with it. :)
I had a coffee visit with Denise this morning and then went off to work in Norah's class today right after that so I didn't have that usual time to get into the Word before the day got going. But I just opened my Bible and found this:
So yesterday, the sleeping was spotty. Sleepin' around 10:00, up by Noon, snoozed again 'till 2-ish then up for the rest of the day. So I knew, fatigue-wise that there is a storm comin'! ;) But the neat thing was Norah's reaction when she came home to find Daddy home and awake. She yelled, "Daddy!!!!" and JUMPED into his arms and pretty much spent the rest of the afternoon playing with him. Arvin is a really, exceptionally excellent father. He likes to play with the kids where I am more of a set it up, give them what they need and just make sure no one gets hurt, sort of parent.
Arvin helped me make dinner. This time it was good old bacon and eggs. Sometimes breakfast for dinner just hits the spot. He did the bacon, I did the eggs...I am told I flip them better...but how is it that I make everyone else's yokes turn out perfect while my own always pop? Then Arvin also helped out by giving Norah a bath. Like I said, pretty much a perfect parent. What am I here for anyway? Vacuuming and laundry services, evidently. ;) The afternoon was pretty much great and soon it was time for him to leave for work. Well fed and smellin' clean, we wished him a good night.
And then that feeling rolled in like the fog.
That "this is hard" fog.
That "I don't wanna live like a single parent" feeling.
It was a sort of a mini ripple of panicky feeling that you get just before you do something that you are not super ready to do. One quick gulp of air before dunking your head under water.
Lots of doubts crept in. I know in my heart that IF i had to do it all myself, that God would step in and give me everything I needed to get the job done. I would be sufficient in Him. He's made me strong and resourceful and full of joy and blessed me with many strong people in my life. I've had stretches where Arvin worked super long hours and all the best in me rose to the surface and I was able to hold down the fort at home. But it was lonely, hard work. And ironically, when he returned it took adjustment because I'd become accustomed to being independent. I don't know how the wives of our service men do it. God bless them. I have only sampled that dynamic and they have my respect.
And part of me feels guilty during those long-away times when I have to ask more of our son. "Can you get that ____?" "Would you help your sister _____?" "Could you please _____?" I know that he's older and it is actually for his benefit to learn to do more and more things not only for himself but to bless others as well. We are part of a family and each member does their part. But I am insecure in this area because I grew up with a mother who asked a lot of us as children, and I overcompensate by asking comparatively little of my own kids. Balance. I want to learn to keep it in balance.
Well, bedtimes for the kids went pretty well. Norah only got up once to ask for a blanket that she had wadded up and stuffed inside the oven of her play kitchen. Yea, she's odd like that. Thomas and I watched TV for awhile and then I sent him to bed around 9:00. I washed my face and went to bed, expecting a call from Arvin before I fell asleep. He said he'd try to call around 10:00. He must've been busy because the call never came.
But that was okay because the night was punctuated by other events. In between my odd dreams about Steven Tyler complaining to me about the American Idol set, both of my kids had their chance at waking me up. I was tossing and turning around midnight, when I heard music coming from my son's room. You know how just the slightest sounds seem so amplified in the calm and still of the night. It was country music. Garth Brooks to be exact. And I realized, Thomas was singing along! As my brain tuned in I realized he was actually belting out the words! "If tomorrow never comes............"! Oh good Lord. No wonder this child is so difficult to wake up in the morning! So I got up and knocked on is door. The singing halts. "Um, hey, Midnight Cowboy, can ya please turn down the music and go to sleep?" No reply. If tomorrow never comes? It already was tomorrow and he was crowin' about it! :)
Back to bed and to see what more Steven Tyler might have to say. Never did find out because and hour later Norah screams, "MOMMY! MOMMY! HELLLLLP! MOOOOOOOOOOOMY!!!!" in that blood-curdling, awful, shriek in the middle of the night that just gets a parent's heart thumpin'. So I FLY down the hall praying "Oh good Lord, is she okay? What's wrong?!?!?!?!"
The problem?
She couldn't find the right button on her radio.
What is it with these kids and their nocturnal audio entertainment?! What are we running here, a recording studio?!
Of course, as soon as I was in her room, "Oops, I found it." as the music was playing.
"Norah, don't you ever scream at me like that in the middle of the night again unless something is seriously wrong!"
I can be very unedited at night.
And after what seemed like two blinks of an eye it was 6:00 AM and the man of my dreams was trying to crawl into bed. "What are you doing?!", I said. "It's time to get up and get the kids off to school!" :) And he did help. The coffee fairy had come, the lunch fairy had come, even the Cream of Wheat Fairy appeared, which is very rare and wonderful because mom usually resorts to whatever we can fit in the toaster or cold cereal. Then we took the little musical savants to school so their teachers can try to stuff as much information as they can into those little brains in six hours. Arvin returned to bed around 8:30 and has been in there since. The storm came and he is rolling with it. :)
I had a coffee visit with Denise this morning and then went off to work in Norah's class today right after that so I didn't have that usual time to get into the Word before the day got going. But I just opened my Bible and found this:
"We also pray that you will be strengthened with his glorious power so that you will have all the patience and endurance you need. May you be filled with joy, always thanking the Father, who has enabled you to share the inheritance that belongs to God's holy people, who live in the light."
Colossians 1:11-12 (NLT)
A timely word indeed! Thank you Father for fortifying me with YOUR power so that I will have all the patience and endurance I need to be a good mom and an excellent wife. And in the process, you have blessed me with joy and and a thankful heart. I love my life. I love living in the light. Even when some of us do our best work at night. ;)
Monday, May 23, 2011
So far, so good. . .
DAY TWO
So far, so good. Kiddos went to bed just fine and hubby called me at about 10:15 P.M. to say good night. Which was probably a good thing because I had allowed myself to get sucked into a very strange show on T.V. and the distraction was a good thing. ;) There is just really bizarre stuff on television! Anyway, sometime around 4:00 A.M. I was awoken by a strange man climbing into bed with me. I said, "Hi". He said, "Hi". And that was that! My alarm went off at 6:00 A.M. and I did my usual hopeful routine of getting dressed directly into my work out clothes so that I am more inclined to get them sweaty after taking the kiddos to school. Stumbled down the hall and my nose told me that the Coffee Fairy did indeed deliver, as promised, thanktheLord! ;) I wasn't certain my man of the night would make it out of the clutches of the blankets, so I started the process of assembling the school lunches that my kids probably won't eat, but we gotta at least try. Sipping my coffee, gathering ingredients, I had most of the bits & pieces out when he made his appearance. So I let him make the sandwiches and came over here to my desk to read a bit of the Word.
I love the apostle Paul. Sometimes he ties my brain up in knots and when I meet him I am going to have lots and lots of questions for him. But today he had left these words for me,
So far, so good. Kiddos went to bed just fine and hubby called me at about 10:15 P.M. to say good night. Which was probably a good thing because I had allowed myself to get sucked into a very strange show on T.V. and the distraction was a good thing. ;) There is just really bizarre stuff on television! Anyway, sometime around 4:00 A.M. I was awoken by a strange man climbing into bed with me. I said, "Hi". He said, "Hi". And that was that! My alarm went off at 6:00 A.M. and I did my usual hopeful routine of getting dressed directly into my work out clothes so that I am more inclined to get them sweaty after taking the kiddos to school. Stumbled down the hall and my nose told me that the Coffee Fairy did indeed deliver, as promised, thanktheLord! ;) I wasn't certain my man of the night would make it out of the clutches of the blankets, so I started the process of assembling the school lunches that my kids probably won't eat, but we gotta at least try. Sipping my coffee, gathering ingredients, I had most of the bits & pieces out when he made his appearance. So I let him make the sandwiches and came over here to my desk to read a bit of the Word.
I love the apostle Paul. Sometimes he ties my brain up in knots and when I meet him I am going to have lots and lots of questions for him. But today he had left these words for me,
"Always be full of joy in the Lord. I say it again--rejoice! Let everyone see that you are considerate in all you do. Remember, the Lord is coming soon. Don't worry about anything; instead pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. If you do this, you will experience God's peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. And now, dear brothers and sisters, let me say one more thing as I close this letter. Fix your thoughts on what is true and honorable and right. Think about things that are pure and lovely and admirable. Think things that are excellent and worthy of praise."
Philippians 4:4-8 (NLT)
Thanks Paul. Thank you Lord. I sure needed that.
So we tag-team the morning, which is different for me because I'm used to getting the kids out the door on my own, but it's nice to share this part of the routine with Arvin. Thomas was excited today because he was going to surprise a friend with a very neat birthday gift. I love that he was excited about giving. It is one of the biggest thrills of my life too. Norah had peanut butter on her cheeks that I had to do that "mom thing" and lick my thumb and wipe it off before we walked her to her class. She has a substitute teacher today. But I know this lady and she is very nice and I know the kids will have a great day.
After coming home, Arvin got on his work computer a bit and made a couple of phone calls. I kinda tensed up a bit because this is where lines get blurred. With work, there seems to be few boundaries with Arvin. Over the years I have been very frustrated with how much of his time, how much of himself, that Arvin gives away. "When are you ever just "off work"? When are you simply "not available"? Are you on call 24/7?" I would ask. Again, I thought of what God had to say to me through Paul today....think on the excellent, praiseworthy things. THANK GOD for what He has done and He WILL give you peace! Sigh.....deep breath. Okay, Lord. I will chill out. This time. ;)
A bit later, Arvin asked if I wanted to go jogging with him. I groaned. I was having a hard time with the idea of even exercising at all, contemplating just letting my workout clothes remain April fresh. So he took our two obnoxious Labs out for a run, which they appreciated wholly. Meanwhile, I put away laundry, vacuumed and finally decided to MOVE a bit and put in a Pilates Walk exercise DVD that I had not done on a long time. It was good to move in a different way that I have been usually. It was not as challenging as my usual workouts, but I modified it a bit and got a good sweat in which I am proud of.
Sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and do what you don't want to do.
Arvin returned from his run and showered and then later around 10:00, I tucked him in with a season of our favorite T.V. show "Everybody Loves Raymond" on DVD so it could be just like "nighttime" and closed the blinds and left him alone. He's in there snoozing with the dogs again. :) I forgot to ask if he wanted me to wake him up! Whoops! Guess if he's not up by 5 or 5:30, I will go see if one of the dogs smothered him or what.....
So far, so good.....
Sunday, May 22, 2011
An Experiment in Nocturnal Life
Today begins a new phase in our family's life. I thank God that it is a temporary one. It's long-term-ish, but temporary nonetheless, which is helping me be optimistic about this. My husband is going to work the night shift for about six months. It is going to be quite a change to our family routine and rhytms. We are expecting this schedule to have lots of plusses and minuses. I am guessing that after a couple of weeks of this, we will fall into a routine that fits and we will all better understand what is expected of us, who does what, when and at what time and how loudly! I am hoping that it will become a comfortable second nature and that we learn to lean more on the plusses than the minuses of this schedule. Today at church, our Pastor was speaking about using the gifts that God gives to each one of us. He was teaching about how some of us see our gifts as limited, but that doesn't matter to God. We are to use what we have. I generally struggle with WHAT to write about in this blog so a few minutes ago, I decided to be inspired by Pastor David and use this blog to exercises the muscles of God's writing gift to me by chronicling what this journey will entail for us as a family. Pastor David said that if you don't use it you'll loose it! So here we go!
**************************************************************************************************
DAY ONE
This morning, I was thinking about how the Jewish calendar goes from sundown to sundown. That's it, right? I'm not certain. Please correct me if I'm wrong. But I do know that they consider each day to begin at sundown the day before. So tonight, when my husband goes off to work at 6:30 P.M., he's kinda heading off in a Hebrew sort of direction then, huh? :) Knowing that God is on duty both day and night, I am sure he will be Master over my husband's work days.
Arvin went to sleep about 2:15 today to get just three hours' nap in before getting up. He'll be exhausted tomorrow, but we expect this. My friend, Denise, who's wonderful husband, Greg, is a police officer, told me to expect Arvin to be very, very tired. Fact is though, fatigue has been a constant state of life for Arvin for well, forever. I believe it is a combination of factors for him. Number one, he works HARD. No matter where. No matter what. He expends a LOT of energy. Number two, I don't think he gets very restful sleep because he suffers from allergies, and may have a deviated septum or sleep apnea (just call me Dr. Kiki because I have diagnosed this so perfectly! Ha!). But what I have seen over almost 16 years of marriage is that we can sleep the same amount of hours and he always is more tired than I am. I do not think he gets good rest because he cannot breathe. Then there's the thyroid issues. Another of life's yo-yo's! So anyway, all that to say that I will be very curious about if this night shift will really change much at all for him in the tired department. It MAY, but it may not. We shall see.
Over the last five years, or so, we have encountered a variety of challenging work shifts. I can remember 12, 18 and 24 hour work days. We've packed him bags of changes of clothes and coolers full of sandwiches because we didn't know when or if he'd be able to come home. For his most extensive project, for three years, he commuted and hour and a half one way just to get to his job site, work one of his 8, 10, 12 hour days, then commute back home. And don't ever tell me that all government workers are slackers, because every minute of that drive he was on his speaker phone, working. Often when he was home, too. Believe me, the state has got it's money's worth in this man.
He's worked on a lot of projects that have been in isolated areas. One time a HUGE bolder had fallen off a mountainside and landed smack in the middle of a narrow, two-lane highway that was the only outlet for a small community. Without this road, they were cut off from the world, removed from their only source of food and fuel. He traveled probably and hour and a half to that site as well to begin the work of restoring the road for that community. As he's snoring away in the other room, I reflect back and am incredibly proud of him.
When the opportunity came up for him to take this current job, one of the benefits in his mind was the fact that this job is local. It's right in our own town. He's really happy for this chance to give back to his own neighborhood after so many years of working so far from home. He's also doing a bit of a different twist on his usual work by adding new skills to his repertoire. He will be learning how it is to work in a more urban environment, having to consider all the factors of utilities, municipalities, business's' needs, and different traffic control. Arvin is looking forward to learning as he goes. He is that rare rolling stone that actually gathers lots and lots of moss. He doesn't just punch in and punch out, he gathers, gleans, and internalizes information at an amazing rate. He's the perfect guy to be doing this job. Well, any job.
Personally, he is excited that he will not have such a long commute to work and he expects that despite the nocturnal hours, he will actually have MORE time to spend at home, with family, where his heart truly resides. His PLAN is to come home by 6:30 A.M. and make lunch for the kids (as he usually does) and to wake them up, get them ready and take them to school! Well! We shall see! Like I said, we'll have to learn what routine works best as we go. That would be great and all, but I have seen waaaaaaay too many days where he is late coming home from work and while that is one thing in the evenings, it would be disastrous if I was snoozing away and he wasn't home to get the kids off to school. So for now, we have agreed that I will get up at my regular time and see how it goes. Of course, this is with the caveat that he will still set the coffee pot so that the Coffee Fairy has my brew all ready for me when I stumble down the hall! :) Yes, I am high maintenance, and I know it. He's cool with that or he wouldn't still be sticking around.
Anyway, my hopes here in this bloggy is to kinda journal each day how it's going, what we're learning, and how this season affects us and those we love. A little bit ago, I was feeling a bit unsure. Our son was off at a friends house and our daughter was playing in her room and Arvin was sleeping I was alone and wondering what have we gotten ourselves into???? Is this gonna be okay? WILL it work out???? I was kinda mini-panicky, with all these unknowns swirling in my brain. What if I need to get something out of my room?! Which, of course, I needed to do--I had to do laundry and the hamper was in there....so I tip-toe in....and he's snoozing away, with the blinds fully open (Who does that?!), with the DOG on the bed with him! Sheesh! I turn my back for one minute and he's got another girl in the bed! ;) Anyway, he just got up...a half hour earlier than he was supposed to! Now it's time to make dinner and wish him a good day at work! Stay tuned for scenes from the next episode of As the Time Clock Ticks!
**************************************************************************************************
DAY ONE
This morning, I was thinking about how the Jewish calendar goes from sundown to sundown. That's it, right? I'm not certain. Please correct me if I'm wrong. But I do know that they consider each day to begin at sundown the day before. So tonight, when my husband goes off to work at 6:30 P.M., he's kinda heading off in a Hebrew sort of direction then, huh? :) Knowing that God is on duty both day and night, I am sure he will be Master over my husband's work days.
Arvin went to sleep about 2:15 today to get just three hours' nap in before getting up. He'll be exhausted tomorrow, but we expect this. My friend, Denise, who's wonderful husband, Greg, is a police officer, told me to expect Arvin to be very, very tired. Fact is though, fatigue has been a constant state of life for Arvin for well, forever. I believe it is a combination of factors for him. Number one, he works HARD. No matter where. No matter what. He expends a LOT of energy. Number two, I don't think he gets very restful sleep because he suffers from allergies, and may have a deviated septum or sleep apnea (just call me Dr. Kiki because I have diagnosed this so perfectly! Ha!). But what I have seen over almost 16 years of marriage is that we can sleep the same amount of hours and he always is more tired than I am. I do not think he gets good rest because he cannot breathe. Then there's the thyroid issues. Another of life's yo-yo's! So anyway, all that to say that I will be very curious about if this night shift will really change much at all for him in the tired department. It MAY, but it may not. We shall see.
Over the last five years, or so, we have encountered a variety of challenging work shifts. I can remember 12, 18 and 24 hour work days. We've packed him bags of changes of clothes and coolers full of sandwiches because we didn't know when or if he'd be able to come home. For his most extensive project, for three years, he commuted and hour and a half one way just to get to his job site, work one of his 8, 10, 12 hour days, then commute back home. And don't ever tell me that all government workers are slackers, because every minute of that drive he was on his speaker phone, working. Often when he was home, too. Believe me, the state has got it's money's worth in this man.
He's worked on a lot of projects that have been in isolated areas. One time a HUGE bolder had fallen off a mountainside and landed smack in the middle of a narrow, two-lane highway that was the only outlet for a small community. Without this road, they were cut off from the world, removed from their only source of food and fuel. He traveled probably and hour and a half to that site as well to begin the work of restoring the road for that community. As he's snoring away in the other room, I reflect back and am incredibly proud of him.
When the opportunity came up for him to take this current job, one of the benefits in his mind was the fact that this job is local. It's right in our own town. He's really happy for this chance to give back to his own neighborhood after so many years of working so far from home. He's also doing a bit of a different twist on his usual work by adding new skills to his repertoire. He will be learning how it is to work in a more urban environment, having to consider all the factors of utilities, municipalities, business's' needs, and different traffic control. Arvin is looking forward to learning as he goes. He is that rare rolling stone that actually gathers lots and lots of moss. He doesn't just punch in and punch out, he gathers, gleans, and internalizes information at an amazing rate. He's the perfect guy to be doing this job. Well, any job.
Personally, he is excited that he will not have such a long commute to work and he expects that despite the nocturnal hours, he will actually have MORE time to spend at home, with family, where his heart truly resides. His PLAN is to come home by 6:30 A.M. and make lunch for the kids (as he usually does) and to wake them up, get them ready and take them to school! Well! We shall see! Like I said, we'll have to learn what routine works best as we go. That would be great and all, but I have seen waaaaaaay too many days where he is late coming home from work and while that is one thing in the evenings, it would be disastrous if I was snoozing away and he wasn't home to get the kids off to school. So for now, we have agreed that I will get up at my regular time and see how it goes. Of course, this is with the caveat that he will still set the coffee pot so that the Coffee Fairy has my brew all ready for me when I stumble down the hall! :) Yes, I am high maintenance, and I know it. He's cool with that or he wouldn't still be sticking around.
Anyway, my hopes here in this bloggy is to kinda journal each day how it's going, what we're learning, and how this season affects us and those we love. A little bit ago, I was feeling a bit unsure. Our son was off at a friends house and our daughter was playing in her room and Arvin was sleeping I was alone and wondering what have we gotten ourselves into???? Is this gonna be okay? WILL it work out???? I was kinda mini-panicky, with all these unknowns swirling in my brain. What if I need to get something out of my room?! Which, of course, I needed to do--I had to do laundry and the hamper was in there....so I tip-toe in....and he's snoozing away, with the blinds fully open (Who does that?!), with the DOG on the bed with him! Sheesh! I turn my back for one minute and he's got another girl in the bed! ;) Anyway, he just got up...a half hour earlier than he was supposed to! Now it's time to make dinner and wish him a good day at work! Stay tuned for scenes from the next episode of As the Time Clock Ticks!
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Royal Reality
At a recent family dinner, the topic of the upcoming royal wedding came up. The general opinion of a few at the table was, why do people get so excited about this wedding that has nothing to do with us? Why, as Americans, do we even care? What was the big deal after all? And then what really amused me was that some of those with that opinion then offered equally strong opinions about the fact that the royal couple would not be kissing at the end of the wedding ceremony. "That's just wrong!", one person exclaimed. Well, I thought, if you don't care about the wedding why would you care about weather or not they kiss? It is funny how we feel the need to offer our opinions about things that we claim to not care about. I for one, have a different feeling about the wedding. I am actually looking forward to it, grateful for a view into a world completely unlike my daily reality and yet, at the same time, reflecting a very real facet of who I am, who I believe we all are, deep down inside.
Why would the wedding of two people we've never met be such a big deal? What is the fascination? For me, it is this: In this day and age, it is refreshing to behold that there is still nobility in this world. That there are still kings and queens and princes and princesses. And it is not just the literal Royalty I am talking about. It is something special in the heart of the human experience. Set apart. This is not just represented in a certain royal family, but it echos from the lives of every man, woman and child. Every one of us has an influence and a reign. We may not be walking our lives on a world stage, but we purpose our lives with the imprint of our Father, our Maker, The King of Kings.
If our Father is King, then what does that make us?
What makes us special? Why do we celebrate weddings and birthdays and graduations along the way? Why are little girls talked about as princesses and little boys as princes? What is it in the heart of common man that gives us our meaning, our significance, and orchestrates our destiny? I believe it is our innate, God-given, royal identity.
So for that reason, I look forward to this wedding. It matters to me because it is beautiful and special and significant when two people join their hearts in marriage. I wish the couple well, a life full of blessings, the joy of hard work, and a lifetime of happy memories.
I pray that for all of us.
Why would the wedding of two people we've never met be such a big deal? What is the fascination? For me, it is this: In this day and age, it is refreshing to behold that there is still nobility in this world. That there are still kings and queens and princes and princesses. And it is not just the literal Royalty I am talking about. It is something special in the heart of the human experience. Set apart. This is not just represented in a certain royal family, but it echos from the lives of every man, woman and child. Every one of us has an influence and a reign. We may not be walking our lives on a world stage, but we purpose our lives with the imprint of our Father, our Maker, The King of Kings.
If our Father is King, then what does that make us?
What makes us special? Why do we celebrate weddings and birthdays and graduations along the way? Why are little girls talked about as princesses and little boys as princes? What is it in the heart of common man that gives us our meaning, our significance, and orchestrates our destiny? I believe it is our innate, God-given, royal identity.
So for that reason, I look forward to this wedding. It matters to me because it is beautiful and special and significant when two people join their hearts in marriage. I wish the couple well, a life full of blessings, the joy of hard work, and a lifetime of happy memories.
I pray that for all of us.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
In Defense of E-Communication
I love the written word. Nothing thrills me more than stringing together letters into words and words in to sentences and crafting, shaping, coaxing thoughts out of these symbols. To me, it is pure bliss! Two of the most useful classes I ever had were Vocabulary in Junior High and Keyboarding in High School. Give me words to say and a way to say them and I'm good as gold!Writing is about communicating and communicating is about relationships. Of course, neither is yet perfect, but still we attempt them both. In the relationship between writer and reader, there is the potential for glory or disaster. With words spoken from fingertips, we can encourage or abuse. Hmmm. . .with words spoken from fingertips, is this what we mean by "staying in touch"? Because words, these symbols on paper or on screen, certainly do reach out and touch us, for good or for bad. "Dear Ms. Jones, We are happy to inform you that you have been accepted. . . ." "Dear Mr. Smith, We regret to inform you that the results of your biopsy. . . " "Dear John, . . . . . ." Oh, but I especially love a good letter! There is something lovely and elegant and special about written, personal communication between people. A good portion of our Bible is made up out of letters and it holds a rich well of thoughts and encouragement. The blanks of History are filled in when we look back at letters. We can glean hearts' intent and glimpse into windows of personality through good letters. We can track the journey of a fine romance with our love letters. Or feel the weight of a soldier's homesickness in a letter home. Pages are sprinkled with tears, spritzed with perfume and "Sealed With A Kiss". Our humanity is marked by our words. They are our monuments, milestones, altars of proof to our experience on this earth. Consider our baby books, birth announcements, diplomas, licences, certificates, grocery lists, novels, scripts, lyrics, signs, medical charts, birthday cards, applications, and obituaries. And let's not forget the poetry on the walls of public bathroom stalls! We all want the anonymous others to know that "WE were here." Oh, and behold THE Word:
"In the beginning the Word already existed. He was in God, and he was God. He was in the beginning with God. He created everything there is. Nothing exists that he didn't make."
John 1:1-3 (NLT)
Beautiful.
Words can represent our past, our present and our future. As long as we have relationships, we will need to "use our words". As history has marched by, our vocabulary venues have evolved. This is sometimes, to our great benefit, and sometimes not. I kind chuckle at this though, because we humans are infinitely imperfect but one thing we always seem to be expert in is misunderstanding each other. So no matter or vehicle for written communication, we have great potential for folly.
Here we are in a day and age when the way of "snail mail" is fading and we are emailing, "facebooking", and texting as our main modes of written communication. "Go paperless!", they encourage us. It has its advantages and maybe some disadvantages too. I love to banter via text message as much as the next girl, but one year I received birthday wishes from dear loved ones purely via text and it kind of broke my heart that I was not deemed worthy of an actual, voice to voice phone call. When you have a deep, emotional connection with someone, perhaps consider the investment of your audible, "Hello". It is music to the soul.
There are some times when a personal touch is required. However, this does not mean that the electronic written word is a poor substitution. It can often be quite the perfect matrix for thought, intention, and emotion. For example, I have heard people speak poorly of email and I couldn't disagree more. They say things like "Oh, email is never a good way to communicate." Well, in my perspective, it depends on how we feel about what the writer is communicating. If we agree with them or are reacting positively, then we don't seem to complain about the delivery system. Yet if we disagree or are hurt by what the writer is saying, then we tend to bristle at the electronic format. "They put it in an email! Isn't that terrible?!"
There have been times in my own life where receiving or sending a timely email has been quite a wonderful and uplifting thing. Email has often been a relationship-builder, a sustaining force for personal connection, that I would not have experienced otherwise. I had a grandmother who lived 2,000 miles away from me, but through email we exchanged daily communications and enjoyed a very loving and close relationship. It was great to share the day-to-day little details of life with her. We shared a bond quite beautifully and it was sustained with the nourishment of frequent conversations via email. She's passed away now and I will always be grateful for the bonding we encountered on-screen.
I have stored in my email in-box one note I just don't ever want to delete. It is a note from my Dad that is precious to me. If I ever wondered if he loved me, I could pull up these words:
"Oh my beautiful daughter...I am one blessed Dad. I am so proud of you and the woman/mother/wife you have become. Because of you one day I will close my eyes and go to be with the Lord knowing I did something good to bless the world. Keep up the good work...Love you, Dad"
All
in one
email.
Do you see why I cannot universally discount the value of e-communication?
The blessings flow both ways. One day, I was stirred in my heart to send an email of commitment and appreciation to a dear friend. I thanked her for all her hard work and what a blessing she is to many, many people, what a leader she is and I told how much I consider it a joy to serve along with her. It was full of words that if I had tried to speak them aloud to her, they'd be lost in a jumble of girl-tears. These words needed the time and space and freedom to be typed out. So I gave these sentiments the respect of giving them form and I signed it "Love, Love, Love" and sent it off to her with a click of a mouse. Her reply convinces me that email is a very valid way to touch some one's heart:
"You don't know how timely your email was...the tears are flowing as I'm trying to respond. You are such an encouraging friend...[She went on to share some personal struggles she was going through at that moment that I hadn't even known about at that point.]...Again, thanks for your loving, encouraging words. Love and hugs..."
All in
one
email.
Let us consider text messaging now. As I shared earlier, I experienced a very hallow side of texting that left me a bit jaded. I can understand how the medium may not claim universal fans. Texting can mean a lot of things to a lot of people. To me, it holds the relational significance of say, passing notes in class. There is not a whole lot of meat on those bones. But oh how FUN it is! It's neat to just fire off any and all random thoughts, questions, or ideas to someone wherever you happen to be to wherever they happen to be. It is direct, person to person, real-time communication. It can be, depending on the user, a very discreet way of being in contact with someone and it has its benefits. And for better or for worse, it has a very real presence in modern life. In my personal experience, I find it incredibly great that I have this ability to be just a few taps away from my young adult nieces who live a state away. At any moment, I can send them a quick, "I love you" and they know that I am thinking of them. My husband moans, "Can't you just callll them?!" And I say, "Sure I can, but this is the way kids are communicating these days. So just get with the program, Grandpa!" ;) I don't believe our relationship is any way watered down by texting. It is only enhanced. Like the emails shared with my Gram, it is a way to share daily life and maintain connection, no matter the miles.
There was a time....long, long ago....okay, not so long ago when we didn't have these new-fangled emails and texts and whatnots....when we wrote letters and put stamps on them or ponys ran or stagecoaches pulled or steamer ships steamed or messengers sprinted and delivered the written word. We connected with one another with letters and punctuation and grammar. We expressed what was in our hearts and we described what was in our world. We established or maintained or dissolved relationships with written words. We signed our names on the events of mankind with our written utterances. We scribbled our names on the wall of the bathroom stall of life so others would know that
we
were
here.
I beg that we do not discount these newer modes of communication or the newer newest ones that I am sure to come. No matter the medium, at its best, the heart, the intent is the same. It is to bond and connect. It is to explain and decline. It is to invite into discussion or share a silly joke. It's to communicate. To be human with another human. After all, writing in words is about communication and communication is about relationship.
"Heaven and earth will disappear, but my words will remain forever."
Matthew 24: 35 (NLT)
Monday, March 7, 2011
FAT
One day in a small group setting, the leader asked us. . .
"Fill in the blank. 'If God really loved me, he would ______________.'"
My reply?
"If God really loved me he would fix my body."
I can't believe that God would ask me to write about this now since I am not even close to being "there" yet with this issue. But I felt in my heart that He said to begin to write about this and since this blog is called "Becoming" and it's not called "I'm already there and have it all together and know everything", I will go ahead and be obedient to the Lord and at least start with what I know so far. Oh, but where to begin?! It's such a long and personal and painful story. I suppose I can start with a question that has popped into my mind lately.
That question is: Is there a fundamental difference between people who need to lose "just a few pounds", say 20 or so, compared to those who are facing 60, 70, even a hundred-plus pounds that need to be shed?"
My hypothesis is (and remember hypotheses by definition retain the right to eventually be found wrong!) that yes, there is a very big difference between the two. But wherein lies the difference? Is it physiology? Genetics? Destiny? Did God call this decision long before we were born? Or is it our own attitude? Choice? Sin? Some self-fulfilling prophecy in belief or expectation? Or is it some odd and frustrating combination of all of the above?
How is it that there can be naturally thin people who can seemingly eat annnnything they want and not gain any weight and then there are some who struggle all their lives over weight issues?
Ever see a fat Greyhound?
Me either.
And it just doesn't seem fair to all the Labs of the world.
I have two Labs and I am convinced that if I slit open a 40 lb. bag of kibble and put it on the kitchen floor, those two dogs would consume the entire bag until they were laying belly up like swollen ticks. A well-read dog trainer I shared this with wholeheartedly agreed and told me that in one dog food study she'd read, they decided to take Labrador Retrievers OUT of the experiment because they seemed to posses insatiable and indiscriminate appetites! They could eat anything, anywhere, anytime. I could identify.
I know. We're not dogs. I get that. It's just something I've noticed. And honestly, part of me wonders if God really cares how fat I am or not. I know I am more than a number on a scale. I know that in the grand scheme of things, when we enter into God's glory and the pages of History are closed, that my weight is going to matter very little, even to me. And I know that there are wonderful people in my life right now who see the REAL me and not my struggle with "fatness". In the small group meeting where I'd filled in that blank above about God fixing my body, the response from my friends was overwhelmingly loving and good. In fact, I believe it was in the face of that love that I was able to decide to begin a lasting journey towards greater health, both inside and out. Good things came from that exposing that vulnerability and pain. I guess I am looking for more of that both for myself and for those who read this--to find the good things.
Years ago, my husband and I were teaching a 5 year old boys' Sunday School class. Well, you know how unedited children can be sometimes. . .One boy pointed to my body and said, "My parents say that people should exercise so that THAT doesn't happen to you!"
Deep breath.
A heartbeat.
Then my son, who was a member of the class, chimed in, "Well, maybe everybody else is just too skinny!"
My hero.
He didn't see "fat". He saw Mamma.
And I was grateful.
This child was delivered into the world at the hands of a very gifted and cautious and vigilant doctor who I believe saved his life at his birth. Hers were the first hands that ever touched his body and without her wisdom and swift action, I shudder to wonder if he would not have survived that day. His birth was traumatic and terrifying and as even the doctor herself described some years later, "a blur". Six years later, she delivered our daughter as well, which was a much less stressful event. The most difficult thing was getting the I.V.. My doctor even held my hands when the anesthesiologist did the spinal block. And I recovered beautifully after the delivery and I credit my doctor for so many blessings in these times. She was aces when it came to bringing my babies into the world.
And when the time of baby-making in my life came to a close, things shifted. It seemed to me that to my doctor, I was no longer a woman, I was my weight. It all revolved around my fatness. And no matter what good efforts of my own I had to report they were, in her exact words, "not good enough".
"I'm doing Weight Watchers online."
"Well, that's okay, but it's not good enough. You really should be eating a Mediterranean diet with whole grains, lean proteins....."
"I'm walking four days a week."
"Well, in order to lose weight you really need to be exercising for at least an hour a day, six days a week."
"Really? Because this walking four days a week has been the most I have committed to in my whole life and it fits into my schedule."
"Well, can you work out in the mornings before work?"
"I don't think so. I'm up at six and out the door with my son by seven and have him to daycare by 7:15 and then I have to drive over to the next town and be ready to clock in and work by 7:45. We open at 8 and have to be ready to go."
"Well, can't your boss let you start work a little late so you can work out?"
"Um...no. It doesn't work that way."
And so it went.
My relationship with my doctor began to feel like she was eagerly waiting, even expecting me to fail. To die. She actually seemed disappointed when I got good results on tests...."Well, you are not diabetic....yet." I would leave her office feeling doomed and hopeless. If the best I'd ever done so far was "not good enough", then why bother? Why even try? I honestly would rather die because she wasn't giving me much hope.
I chose to no longer live under that condemnation. I'd played host to hopelessness long enough. I found a new doctor.
Struggling with weight issues has made me look at some pretty tough things in my life. I always wondered why I have this battle in the first place. Despite all the good and wise things that I do, I have uttered the classic, "Why me?". And honestly, I had to admit that part of me was very angry at God. In preparing to write about this, I sat with Psalm 139 open and in my rawest moment I saw that it has the nerve to say, "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." And I thought, "REALLY?! This is YOUR idea, God?! I know you are a good God. I know you love me. I know you redeem our pain and logically I understand that you do not "cause" pain, but in my heart, I am just really really angry at you!"
And I'm tired. Will I have to fight this battle my whole time on earth? Will this always be so hard?
And I'm scared. What if I never make it? What if I never ever get there? What if I give up? What then? What if I fail?
I know I have a choice. I know I chose to try. I know I chose to eat. I know I chose to exercise. But why is the choice so incredibly difficult? Why me?
Why so many of us?
Please understand that I expose my anger at God in this way only because I truly do know that He is big enough and good enough to handle it. He will take this pain and redeem it. I know He will.
I pray that for you, whatever your "thing" is that you are finally at that place make that ultimate exchange. I pray that you can, maybe for the first time, taste Hope because this same God who has taken care of me will take care of you as well. (Philippians 4:19)
"Fill in the blank. 'If God really loved me, he would ______________.'"
My reply?
"If God really loved me he would fix my body."
I can't believe that God would ask me to write about this now since I am not even close to being "there" yet with this issue. But I felt in my heart that He said to begin to write about this and since this blog is called "Becoming" and it's not called "I'm already there and have it all together and know everything", I will go ahead and be obedient to the Lord and at least start with what I know so far. Oh, but where to begin?! It's such a long and personal and painful story. I suppose I can start with a question that has popped into my mind lately.
That question is: Is there a fundamental difference between people who need to lose "just a few pounds", say 20 or so, compared to those who are facing 60, 70, even a hundred-plus pounds that need to be shed?"
My hypothesis is (and remember hypotheses by definition retain the right to eventually be found wrong!) that yes, there is a very big difference between the two. But wherein lies the difference? Is it physiology? Genetics? Destiny? Did God call this decision long before we were born? Or is it our own attitude? Choice? Sin? Some self-fulfilling prophecy in belief or expectation? Or is it some odd and frustrating combination of all of the above?
How is it that there can be naturally thin people who can seemingly eat annnnything they want and not gain any weight and then there are some who struggle all their lives over weight issues?
Ever see a fat Greyhound?
Me either.
And it just doesn't seem fair to all the Labs of the world.
I have two Labs and I am convinced that if I slit open a 40 lb. bag of kibble and put it on the kitchen floor, those two dogs would consume the entire bag until they were laying belly up like swollen ticks. A well-read dog trainer I shared this with wholeheartedly agreed and told me that in one dog food study she'd read, they decided to take Labrador Retrievers OUT of the experiment because they seemed to posses insatiable and indiscriminate appetites! They could eat anything, anywhere, anytime. I could identify.
I know. We're not dogs. I get that. It's just something I've noticed. And honestly, part of me wonders if God really cares how fat I am or not. I know I am more than a number on a scale. I know that in the grand scheme of things, when we enter into God's glory and the pages of History are closed, that my weight is going to matter very little, even to me. And I know that there are wonderful people in my life right now who see the REAL me and not my struggle with "fatness". In the small group meeting where I'd filled in that blank above about God fixing my body, the response from my friends was overwhelmingly loving and good. In fact, I believe it was in the face of that love that I was able to decide to begin a lasting journey towards greater health, both inside and out. Good things came from that exposing that vulnerability and pain. I guess I am looking for more of that both for myself and for those who read this--to find the good things.
Years ago, my husband and I were teaching a 5 year old boys' Sunday School class. Well, you know how unedited children can be sometimes. . .One boy pointed to my body and said, "My parents say that people should exercise so that THAT doesn't happen to you!"
Deep breath.
A heartbeat.
Then my son, who was a member of the class, chimed in, "Well, maybe everybody else is just too skinny!"
My hero.
He didn't see "fat". He saw Mamma.
And I was grateful.
This child was delivered into the world at the hands of a very gifted and cautious and vigilant doctor who I believe saved his life at his birth. Hers were the first hands that ever touched his body and without her wisdom and swift action, I shudder to wonder if he would not have survived that day. His birth was traumatic and terrifying and as even the doctor herself described some years later, "a blur". Six years later, she delivered our daughter as well, which was a much less stressful event. The most difficult thing was getting the I.V.. My doctor even held my hands when the anesthesiologist did the spinal block. And I recovered beautifully after the delivery and I credit my doctor for so many blessings in these times. She was aces when it came to bringing my babies into the world.
And when the time of baby-making in my life came to a close, things shifted. It seemed to me that to my doctor, I was no longer a woman, I was my weight. It all revolved around my fatness. And no matter what good efforts of my own I had to report they were, in her exact words, "not good enough".
"I'm doing Weight Watchers online."
"Well, that's okay, but it's not good enough. You really should be eating a Mediterranean diet with whole grains, lean proteins....."
"I'm walking four days a week."
"Well, in order to lose weight you really need to be exercising for at least an hour a day, six days a week."
"Really? Because this walking four days a week has been the most I have committed to in my whole life and it fits into my schedule."
"Well, can you work out in the mornings before work?"
"I don't think so. I'm up at six and out the door with my son by seven and have him to daycare by 7:15 and then I have to drive over to the next town and be ready to clock in and work by 7:45. We open at 8 and have to be ready to go."
"Well, can't your boss let you start work a little late so you can work out?"
"Um...no. It doesn't work that way."
And so it went.
My relationship with my doctor began to feel like she was eagerly waiting, even expecting me to fail. To die. She actually seemed disappointed when I got good results on tests...."Well, you are not diabetic....yet." I would leave her office feeling doomed and hopeless. If the best I'd ever done so far was "not good enough", then why bother? Why even try? I honestly would rather die because she wasn't giving me much hope.
I chose to no longer live under that condemnation. I'd played host to hopelessness long enough. I found a new doctor.
Struggling with weight issues has made me look at some pretty tough things in my life. I always wondered why I have this battle in the first place. Despite all the good and wise things that I do, I have uttered the classic, "Why me?". And honestly, I had to admit that part of me was very angry at God. In preparing to write about this, I sat with Psalm 139 open and in my rawest moment I saw that it has the nerve to say, "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." And I thought, "REALLY?! This is YOUR idea, God?! I know you are a good God. I know you love me. I know you redeem our pain and logically I understand that you do not "cause" pain, but in my heart, I am just really really angry at you!"
And I'm tired. Will I have to fight this battle my whole time on earth? Will this always be so hard?
And I'm scared. What if I never make it? What if I never ever get there? What if I give up? What then? What if I fail?
I know I have a choice. I know I chose to try. I know I chose to eat. I know I chose to exercise. But why is the choice so incredibly difficult? Why me?
Why so many of us?
Please understand that I expose my anger at God in this way only because I truly do know that He is big enough and good enough to handle it. He will take this pain and redeem it. I know He will.
"O LORD, I say to you, 'You are my God." Hear, O LORD my cry for mercy. O Sovereign LORD, my strong deliverer, who shields my head in the day of battle--"
Psalm 140: 6-7 (NIV)
Hear my cry for mercy, oh God! I don't understand this pain and I wish God would just deliver me from this, but I'm going to hold on until He makes it all clear. Romans 12:2 says that we are transformed by the renewing of our minds. I ask for that today. A radical transformation.
I would like to think I am ready to make that transformation.
Here's something shocking: I have come to the realization that even before I ever lost a single pound and even if I never lose another pound, I am already, as-is, right this moment, GOOD ENOUGH.
The truth is that being fat stinks.
It is uncomfortable and and unhealthy and unhappy.
But it is NOT the most important thing about me.
There is a lot of good going on and a lot to celebrate. Miracles are happening and the soil is being turned over for great things to be planted and reaped. To date, I have shed 52 lbs. This is a good thing. At the same time, what I fear the most is that if I focus on that too much, I will lose the harvest of the greater work that is going on inside. I have witnessed a food idol be replaced by a fitness idol in someone's life and I don't want that to be me. I believe that God can use the past destruction of my life--even the destruction that I brought on myself--and cause good to come of it.
For me, this weight thing has just been an outward manifestation of an inward process of development. The ups and downs have paralleled what's going on deeper inside. Some time ago, a group called Teen Challenge visited our church. They call themselves the SOLUTION to the drug epidemic. All these brave souls came and shared their stories of pain and despair, years lost in the mire of drug and alcohol abuse. Many of them had lost everything including precious family relationships. At one point, they seemed hopeless but each one came to a decision in life to do the hard work of sobriety. And with a lot of discipline and a tremendous amount of connecting to God and his Word, they were in the process of transforming their lives! Instead of their former anger and despair and hopelessness, they were radiant and hopeful and humble. They were grateful to God and eager to learn more every day. Their doom had been dumped in exchange for the joy of redemption and a second chance. I sat there and sobbed as I realized that God was working a similar exchange in my life too. I realized that if God can work the miracles he was working in those brave people, He could do a great work in me as well.
Everybody has something. Some pain. A story. A wound. Some thorn in their side. Something they desperately wish would just go away. A supremely unwanted family legacy of sorts. I am sure you can think of your own thing right away. It might not be food or drugs, but maybe it's something else that has you trapped and feeling hopeless. The beauty is there is an awesome exchange available. The ultimate of upgrades.
"The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,
because the Lord has anointed me
to preach good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the
brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the
prisoners,
to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
and provide for those who grieve in
Zion--
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of
righteousness,
a planting of the Lord
for the display of his splendor.
They will rebuild ancient ruins
and restore the places long devastated;
they will renew the ruined cities
that have been devastated for generations."
Isaiah 61:1-4 (NIV)
I pray that for you, whatever your "thing" is that you are finally at that place make that ultimate exchange. I pray that you can, maybe for the first time, taste Hope because this same God who has taken care of me will take care of you as well. (Philippians 4:19)
Blessings!
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
The Journey of the Cinnamon Toast
"We writers are not Nouns. We are mere adjectives serving the great Noun of truth."
C.S. Lewis
I have tried something new for me, an experiment entered into with extremely cautious optimism. And I learned a lot through this experience.
I had this bottle of Sweet Cinnamon Sprinkle that I use to make cinnamon toast for my kids. It's a combination of cinnamon, coconut, sugar and other things that makes for a unique crunchy twist on toast but is good on ice cream, cinnamon rolls and probably all sorts of other tasty treats. We had used up what we had and I asked the kids, "Hey, do you guys really like this stuff? Would you like me to see if I can get more?" And they enthusiastically said, "YES!" Well, being the amazing mom that I am (ha!), I went in pursuit of this specialty sprinkle that is only sold through a great company called The Pampered Chef. I emailed the very friendly consultant that I had purchased it from probably about two years before! She said she'd be happy to order a bottle for me and when she delivered it, she asked me if I'd like to have a new catalog. I said I'd love to! A quick chat and a hug later and off she went and I went into the house to peruse the new catalog.
I had been a fan of The Pampered Chef for about ten years, I think. They have amazing, top-quality kitchen items and I realized that over the years, from hosting my own kitchen shows in my home, that I had amassed quite a collection of their products. You can open just about any cupboard or drawer in my kitchen and find a Pampered Chef whatnot taking residence there. These are things that I have not merely collected to look at, but I have used them as part of my arsenal for blessing my family and friends every single day. And while the items were sometimes expensive at first, I found the value was proved in the fact that once I invested in a Pampered Chef-thingymagiggy, I never had to spend money to replace it. They endured the test of time and I found them to be well worth the cost.
So here I was thumbing through this new catalog, ooohing and ahhhing over all the items they had added since I'd last seen one of their books. And I quickly played a game I sometimes play with myself. I got out a piece of paper and I wrote down a fantasy shopping list. If money were no object, what would I order? This is not a difficult game for me to play. And I wonder where my kids get this from? ;) Anyway, in no time I had amassed a shopping list totaling some $500 in products and counting. I thought, "This is crazy! It looks like it might be time to host my own show again so I can get some of this list at a discount!" So I called my consultant and booked a show.
It turns out that when she last did a show for me, I was actually her very FIRST host, her very first show and now I was going to be her 100th! How neat is that? She'd grown a lot through her experience and we had a very nice show. And then she asked me THE question: Had I ever considered becoming a consultant myself? No. Nope. Uh-uh. No way. No thank you!
Because here's the thing: I am called at this time in my life to be a stay-at-home mom and that's it. Period. And while things are tight financially for us and I'd really like to help out in that department, I really know that anything I do beyond what I am called to do will only serve as a distraction and therefore be a detriment to my family. There are lots and lots of great companies out there that have "courted" me as a homemaker. It's like they see "homemaker" and start drooling over the possibilities! Do I want to earn extra income? Do I want to get out of the house a few nights a week? Do I want "more"? No. Nope. No way Jose.
My consultant totally understood and left a DVD for me to check out when I had time. And the wheels started turning. I watched the DVD and started wondering...Could I do this? Could I actually do enough business to help our family financially? What would it take? How would it look? How would it feel? "I'm not a salesperson.", I thought. "I don't think I can do this." Still doubtful, but still curious, with my husband's support and the encouragement of my friends, I decided to give it a try. At the very least, I had this amazing consultant's kit full of products at a really great discount, yet another Pampered Chef value added to my kitchen.
Eight months and twenty-four shows later and I can say I have picked up a lot! Like a pelican skimming over the water's surface, I have scooped up all sorts of things, some nourishing and some not. I've learned how supportive my husband is and my mother-in-law is and even my children as well. I have learned to be bold and ask people questions. I have seen kind poor people and rude rich people. I have witnessed the generosity of mothers and the honest friendliness of strangers. I have overheard the murmurings and chats of all sorts of women, friends, rejoicing and fellowshipping together--perhaps one of the greatest sounds in the world! I have been confused and frustrated when I do the same thing at every show with widely varying results. I have, with flushed cheeks, desperately depended on the mind of God to help me through what is for me, tricky math. I discovered that I really liked the smell of new catalogs and order forms and have a peculiar love for entering in tedious data on the computer. I have practiced admitting my mistakes and being honest about what I know and what I have yet to learn. I have been joyfully impressed at my director's ability to lead and inspire and teach others. I had the privilege of using my business to raise a few dollars to help someone who was going to help orphans in Haiti. I have developed my desire to be a faithful person and not give up just short of blessing. I have learned that one drop at a time fills a bucket. And I've confirmed in my heart that things aren't always as easy as they seem. I did not want to be a flake, a cloud promising rain but not delivering, a person who just quits or drops out.
We recently had our taxes prepared. I collected the information we needed for my business as far as my income and expenses and realized for the first time, really on paper, that I had spent just about as much money as I had earned and I really had to ask myself, "Is this worth it?" Now I realize, this was just in the first five months of business, when it is normal to incur expenses and you do need to spend a certain amount of money in order to eventually make a profit. And I admit, I am still learning the ropes as to what I really need vs. what I want. In no way do I think that this business adventure is a hopeless thing, but I have learned that it takes a lot of sewing, not only of money, but time, to reap a bountiful harvest. I had to ask myself if the investment of my time was worth it as well.
My youngest has started her first year of school this year and I had known in my heart for a long time that God was calling me and preparing me for this season so that I could devote time to developing this writing gift He's given me. I had His vision of me sitting here at the computer, the sun shining in, with Bibles and study books spread out before me and just listening to what He had to say to me and letting it just flow out of my fingertips onto the keyboard. Still looking for my Holy Inspiration, I envisioned times of just quiet reflection and lots and lots of reading. Of taking a notepad around with me and actually taking the time to jot down things God whispered in my ear. And then being faithful enough to write out these thoughts and develop them in words. I was looking forward to those peaceful six hours a day, five days a week, so that I could use some of that time to hone the craft that God has allowed me to love for as long as I can remember. The child-free time would be golden, the silent peace deep, and the hour dedicated to a new phase of work. As Philip Yancey says, "We live sequestered lives, those of us who make a living by herding words." Herding words! I loved that! I understood it. And nothing thrilled me more.
Last year a mentor and friend prophesied over me and she said, "Be sure not to let your days fill up because there is a book to be written." And looking back over these last few months I see a lot of things that have consumed my time and I am not entirely sure that I have done what I know to do. I have written some, yes, but not like I had imagined or hoped or believe that God had wanted me to do. I have filled my days with many normal and good things and I have also given away much time in the process of developing this Pampered Chef adventure. It's been interesting and exhilarating and rewarding and busy and good and stressful all at once. I can't say it's been a waste of time...because I have added so much to my life experience with it and I believe God works all things for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. But see, there's the catch, I know in my heart that I was called to a different purpose. As they say, there are "good things" and then there are "God things", meaning that there are many good things that I can spend my time on, but there are specific things that God wants me to direct my life towards. And nothing in the world can compare to the feeling deep in your soul when you are doing exactly what you were meant to do. His yoke is easy and His burden is light. It just fits.
When sharing my heart with another dear friend, she pointed out that eight months of commitment and work is hardly being a flake. That I did not just give it a half-hearted attempt. But that I have been faithful and if God said to write, then to write. I worry about disappointing a couple of people like my mother-in-law who has been so incredibly supportive and encouraging and my consultant, turned director, turned friend who has been so amazingly wonderful. But I know these two women well enough, I think, that if they knew my heart they would totally understand.
I have decided not to quit and yet not to pursue my business either. I have decided to return to my purpose. To dedicate my time to my call. Still a fan of all these awesome kitchen gadgets, I want to maintain my relationship with The Pampered Chef as much as possible, but I will not be actively cultivating business either. As people contact me, I will be happy to help in whatever way I can. It has been a good thing, and I have enjoyed this journey, but I realize that my time is not my own. When I try to use it in all sorts of ways, my cup runs empty rather than overflowing.
This coming Saturday, rather than packing up and heading off to do a show, I am going to get up early and go on a bird-watching nature walk with one of my best friends--and maybe my family too if they can get up early enough. I'm going to come home and do some laundry. And then later in the day I'm going to take my daughter to a friend's birthday party, full of giggles and cake and fun. And then in the evening my husband said he might want to go walk downtown, looking at art or getting a bite to eat. Or we might not do that. We might just do our favorite thing: stay home together. I will not have a tub full of post-show dishes to wash. I will not have an hour's worth of paperwork to do. I will not be crossing my fingers that every one's credit cards are approved. I will have a kitchen full of tools that I can use to bless my household and all who enter! And come Monday, I will make my kids some cinnamon toast, reorder a bottle of sprinkles since we've used it all up again and then sit down here at this computer and write! Amen! Let it be! Let it be!
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