FAT

One day in a small group setting, the leader asked us. . .


"Fill in the blank. 'If God really loved me, he would ______________.'"







My reply?







"If God really loved me he would fix my body."










I can't believe that God would ask me to write about this now since I am not even close to being "there" yet with this issue. But I felt in my heart that He said to begin to write about this and since this blog is called "Becoming" and it's not called "I'm already there and have it all together and know everything", I will go ahead and be obedient to the Lord and at least start with what I know so far. Oh, but where to begin?! It's such a long and personal and painful story. I suppose I can start with a question that has popped into my mind lately.







That question is: Is there a fundamental difference between people who need to lose "just a few pounds", say 20 or so, compared to those who are facing 60, 70, even a hundred-plus pounds that need to be shed?"







My hypothesis is (and remember hypotheses by definition retain the right to eventually be found wrong!) that yes, there is a very big difference between the two. But wherein lies the difference? Is it physiology? Genetics? Destiny? Did God call this decision long before we were born? Or is it our own attitude? Choice? Sin? Some self-fulfilling prophecy in belief or expectation? Or is it some odd and frustrating combination of all of the above?





How is it that there can be naturally thin people who can seemingly eat annnnything they want and not gain any weight and then there are some who struggle all their lives over weight issues?





Ever see a fat Greyhound?




Me either.




And it just doesn't seem fair to all the Labs of the world.




I have two Labs and I am convinced that if I slit open a 40 lb. bag of kibble and put it on the kitchen floor, those two dogs would consume the entire bag until they were laying belly up like swollen ticks. A well-read dog trainer I shared this with wholeheartedly agreed and told me that in one dog food study she'd read, they decided to take Labrador Retrievers OUT of the experiment because they seemed to posses insatiable and indiscriminate appetites! They could eat anything, anywhere, anytime. I could identify.




I know. We're not dogs. I get that. It's just something I've noticed. And honestly, part of me wonders if God really cares how fat I am or not. I know I am more than a number on a scale. I know that in the grand scheme of things, when we enter into God's glory and the pages of History are closed, that my weight is going to matter very little, even to me. And I know that there are wonderful people in my life right now who see the REAL me and not my struggle with "fatness". In the small group meeting where I'd filled in that blank above about God fixing my body, the response from my friends was overwhelmingly loving and good. In fact, I believe it was in the face of that love that I was able to decide to begin a lasting journey towards greater health, both inside and out. Good things came from that exposing that vulnerability and pain. I guess I am looking for more of that both for myself and for those who read this--to find the good things.




Years ago, my husband and I were teaching a 5 year old boys' Sunday School class. Well, you know how unedited children can be sometimes. . .One boy pointed to my body and said, "My parents say that people should exercise so that THAT doesn't happen to you!"





Deep breath.




A heartbeat.




Then my son, who was a member of the class, chimed in, "Well, maybe everybody else is just too skinny!"




My hero.





He didn't see "fat". He saw Mamma.




And I was grateful.




This child was delivered into the world at the hands of a very gifted and cautious and vigilant doctor who I believe saved his life at his birth. Hers were the first hands that ever touched his body and without her wisdom and swift action, I shudder to wonder if he would not have survived that day. His birth was traumatic and terrifying and as even the doctor herself described some years later, "a blur". Six years later, she delivered our daughter as well, which was a much less stressful event. The most difficult thing was getting the I.V.. My doctor even held my hands when the anesthesiologist did the spinal block. And I recovered beautifully after the delivery and I credit my doctor for so many blessings in these times. She was aces when it came to bringing my babies into the world.




And when the time of baby-making in my life came to a close, things shifted. It seemed to me that to my doctor, I was no longer a woman, I was my weight. It all revolved around my fatness. And no matter what good efforts of my own I had to report they were, in her exact words, "not good enough".




"I'm doing Weight Watchers online."



"Well, that's okay, but it's not good enough. You really should be eating a Mediterranean diet with whole grains, lean proteins....."





"I'm walking four days a week."





"Well, in order to lose weight you really need to be exercising for at least an hour a day, six days a week."





"Really? Because this walking four days a week has been the most I have committed to in my whole life and it fits into my schedule."





"Well, can you work out in the mornings before work?"





"I don't think so. I'm up at six and out the door with my son by seven and have him to daycare by 7:15 and then I have to drive over to the next town and be ready to clock in and work by 7:45. We open at 8 and have to be ready to go."





"Well, can't your boss let you start work a little late so you can work out?"





"Um...no. It doesn't work that way."





And so it went.





My relationship with my doctor began to feel like she was eagerly waiting, even expecting me to fail. To die. She actually seemed disappointed when I got good results on tests...."Well, you are not diabetic....yet." I would leave her office feeling doomed and hopeless. If the best I'd ever done so far was "not good enough", then why bother? Why even try? I honestly would rather die because she wasn't giving me much hope.



I chose to no longer live under that condemnation. I'd played host to hopelessness long enough. I found a new doctor.



Struggling with weight issues has made me look at some pretty tough things in my life. I always wondered why I have this battle in the first place. Despite all the good and wise things that I do, I have uttered the classic, "Why me?". And honestly, I had to admit that part of me was very angry at God. In preparing to write about this, I sat with Psalm 139 open and in my rawest moment I saw that it has the nerve to say, "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." And I thought, "REALLY?! This is YOUR idea, God?! I know you are a good God. I know you love me. I know you redeem our pain and logically I understand that you do not "cause" pain, but in my heart, I am just really really angry at you!"




And I'm tired. Will I have to fight this battle my whole time on earth? Will this always be so hard?





And I'm scared. What if I never make it? What if I never ever get there? What if I give up? What then? What if I fail?





I know I have a choice. I know I chose to try. I know I chose to eat. I know I chose to exercise. But why is the choice so incredibly difficult? Why me?





Why so many of us?





Please understand that I expose my anger at God in this way only because I truly do know that He is big enough and good enough to handle it. He will take this pain and redeem it. I know He will.

"O LORD, I say to you, 'You are my God." Hear, O LORD my cry for mercy. O Sovereign LORD, my strong deliverer, who shields my head in the day of battle--"

Psalm 140: 6-7 (NIV)

Hear my cry for mercy, oh God! I don't understand this pain and I wish God would just deliver me from this, but I'm going to hold on until He makes it all clear. Romans 12:2 says that we are transformed by the renewing of our minds. I ask for that today. A radical transformation.

I would like to think I am ready to make that transformation.

Here's something shocking: I have come to the realization that even before I ever lost a single pound and even if I never lose another pound, I am already, as-is, right this moment, GOOD ENOUGH.

The truth is that being fat stinks.

It is uncomfortable and and unhealthy and unhappy.

But it is NOT the most important thing about me.

There is a lot of good going on and a lot to celebrate. Miracles are happening and the soil is being turned over for great things to be planted and reaped. To date, I have shed 52 lbs. This is a good thing. At the same time, what I fear the most is that if I focus on that too much, I will lose the harvest of the greater work that is going on inside. I have witnessed a food idol be replaced by a fitness idol in someone's life and I don't want that to be me. I believe that God can use the past destruction of my life--even the destruction that I brought on myself--and cause good to come of it.

For me, this weight thing has just been an outward manifestation of an inward process of development. The ups and downs have paralleled what's going on deeper inside. Some time ago, a group called Teen Challenge visited our church. They call themselves the SOLUTION to the drug epidemic. All these brave souls came and shared their stories of pain and despair, years lost in the mire of drug and alcohol abuse. Many of them had lost everything including precious family relationships. At one point, they seemed hopeless but each one came to a decision in life to do the hard work of sobriety. And with a lot of discipline and a tremendous amount of connecting to God and his Word, they were in the process of transforming their lives! Instead of their former anger and despair and hopelessness, they were radiant and hopeful and humble. They were grateful to God and eager to learn more every day. Their doom had been dumped in exchange for the joy of redemption and a second chance. I sat there and sobbed as I realized that God was working a similar exchange in my life too. I realized that if God can work the miracles he was working in those brave people, He could do a great work in me as well.

Everybody has something. Some pain. A story. A wound. Some thorn in their side. Something they desperately wish would just go away. A supremely unwanted family legacy of sorts. I am sure you can think of your own thing right away. It might not be food or drugs, but maybe it's something else that has you trapped and feeling hopeless. The beauty is there is an awesome exchange available. The ultimate of upgrades.

"The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,

because the Lord has anointed me

to preach good news to the poor.

He has sent me to bind up the

brokenhearted,

to proclaim freedom for the captives

and release from darkness for the

prisoners,

to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor

and the day of vengeance of our God,

to comfort all who mourn,

and provide for those who grieve in

Zion--

to bestow on them a crown of beauty

instead of ashes,

the oil of gladness

instead of mourning,

and a garment of praise

instead of a spirit of despair.

They will be called oaks of

righteousness,

a planting of the Lord

for the display of his splendor.

They will rebuild ancient ruins

and restore the places long devastated;

they will renew the ruined cities

that have been devastated for generations."

Isaiah 61:1-4 (NIV)

I pray that for you, whatever your "thing" is that you are finally at that place make that ultimate exchange. I pray that you can, maybe for the first time, taste Hope because this same God who has taken care of me will take care of you as well. (Philippians 4:19)

Blessings!

The Journey of the Cinnamon Toast

"We writers are not Nouns. We are mere adjectives serving the great Noun of truth."

C.S. Lewis

I have tried something new for me, an experiment entered into with extremely cautious optimism. And I learned a lot through this experience.

I had this bottle of Sweet Cinnamon Sprinkle that I use to make cinnamon toast for my kids. It's a combination of cinnamon, coconut, sugar and other things that makes for a unique crunchy twist on toast but is good on ice cream, cinnamon rolls and probably all sorts of other tasty treats. We had used up what we had and I asked the kids, "Hey, do you guys really like this stuff? Would you like me to see if I can get more?" And they enthusiastically said, "YES!" Well, being the amazing mom that I am (ha!), I went in pursuit of this specialty sprinkle that is only sold through a great company called The Pampered Chef. I emailed the very friendly consultant that I had purchased it from probably about two years before! She said she'd be happy to order a bottle for me and when she delivered it, she asked me if I'd like to have a new catalog. I said I'd love to! A quick chat and a hug later and off she went and I went into the house to peruse the new catalog.

I had been a fan of The Pampered Chef for about ten years, I think. They have amazing, top-quality kitchen items and I realized that over the years, from hosting my own kitchen shows in my home, that I had amassed quite a collection of their products. You can open just about any cupboard or drawer in my kitchen and find a Pampered Chef whatnot taking residence there. These are things that I have not merely collected to look at, but I have used them as part of my arsenal for blessing my family and friends every single day. And while the items were sometimes expensive at first, I found the value was proved in the fact that once I invested in a Pampered Chef-thingymagiggy, I never had to spend money to replace it. They endured the test of time and I found them to be well worth the cost.

So here I was thumbing through this new catalog, ooohing and ahhhing over all the items they had added since I'd last seen one of their books. And I quickly played a game I sometimes play with myself. I got out a piece of paper and I wrote down a fantasy shopping list. If money were no object, what would I order? This is not a difficult game for me to play. And I wonder where my kids get this from? ;) Anyway, in no time I had amassed a shopping list totaling some $500 in products and counting. I thought, "This is crazy! It looks like it might be time to host my own show again so I can get some of this list at a discount!" So I called my consultant and booked a show.

It turns out that when she last did a show for me, I was actually her very FIRST host, her very first show and now I was going to be her 100th! How neat is that? She'd grown a lot through her experience and we had a very nice show. And then she asked me THE question: Had I ever considered becoming a consultant myself? No. Nope. Uh-uh. No way. No thank you!

Because here's the thing: I am called at this time in my life to be a stay-at-home mom and that's it. Period. And while things are tight financially for us and I'd really like to help out in that department, I really know that anything I do beyond what I am called to do will only serve as a distraction and therefore be a detriment to my family. There are lots and lots of great companies out there that have "courted" me as a homemaker. It's like they see "homemaker" and start drooling over the possibilities! Do I want to earn extra income? Do I want to get out of the house a few nights a week? Do I want "more"? No. Nope. No way Jose.

My consultant totally understood and left a DVD for me to check out when I had time. And the wheels started turning. I watched the DVD and started wondering...Could I do this? Could I actually do enough business to help our family financially? What would it take? How would it look? How would it feel? "I'm not a salesperson.", I thought. "I don't think I can do this." Still doubtful, but still curious, with my husband's support and the encouragement of my friends, I decided to give it a try. At the very least, I had this amazing consultant's kit full of products at a really great discount, yet another Pampered Chef value added to my kitchen.

Eight months and twenty-four shows later and I can say I have picked up a lot! Like a pelican skimming over the water's surface, I have scooped up all sorts of things, some nourishing and some not. I've learned how supportive my husband is and my mother-in-law is and even my children as well. I have learned to be bold and ask people questions. I have seen kind poor people and rude rich people. I have witnessed the generosity of mothers and the honest friendliness of strangers. I have overheard the murmurings and chats of all sorts of women, friends, rejoicing and fellowshipping together--perhaps one of the greatest sounds in the world! I have been confused and frustrated when I do the same thing at every show with widely varying results. I have, with flushed cheeks, desperately depended on the mind of God to help me through what is for me, tricky math. I discovered that I really liked the smell of new catalogs and order forms and have a peculiar love for entering in tedious data on the computer. I have practiced admitting my mistakes and being honest about what I know and what I have yet to learn. I have been joyfully impressed at my director's ability to lead and inspire and teach others. I had the privilege of using my business to raise a few dollars to help someone who was going to help orphans in Haiti. I have developed my desire to be a faithful person and not give up just short of blessing. I have learned that one drop at a time fills a bucket. And I've confirmed in my heart that things aren't always as easy as they seem. I did not want to be a flake, a cloud promising rain but not delivering, a person who just quits or drops out.

We recently had our taxes prepared. I collected the information we needed for my business as far as my income and expenses and realized for the first time, really on paper, that I had spent just about as much money as I had earned and I really had to ask myself, "Is this worth it?" Now I realize, this was just in the first five months of business, when it is normal to incur expenses and you do need to spend a certain amount of money in order to eventually make a profit. And I admit, I am still learning the ropes as to what I really need vs. what I want. In no way do I think that this business adventure is a hopeless thing, but I have learned that it takes a lot of sewing, not only of money, but time, to reap a bountiful harvest. I had to ask myself if the investment of my time was worth it as well.

My youngest has started her first year of school this year and I had known in my heart for a long time that God was calling me and preparing me for this season so that I could devote time to developing this writing gift He's given me. I had His vision of me sitting here at the computer, the sun shining in, with Bibles and study books spread out before me and just listening to what He had to say to me and letting it just flow out of my fingertips onto the keyboard. Still looking for my Holy Inspiration, I envisioned times of just quiet reflection and lots and lots of reading. Of taking a notepad around with me and actually taking the time to jot down things God whispered in my ear. And then being faithful enough to write out these thoughts and develop them in words. I was looking forward to those peaceful six hours a day, five days a week, so that I could use some of that time to hone the craft that God has allowed me to love for as long as I can remember. The child-free time would be golden, the silent peace deep, and the hour dedicated to a new phase of work. As Philip Yancey says, "We live sequestered lives, those of us who make a living by herding words." Herding words! I loved that! I understood it. And nothing thrilled me more.
Last year a mentor and friend prophesied over me and she said, "Be sure not to let your days fill up because there is a book to be written." And looking back over these last few months I see a lot of things that have consumed my time and I am not entirely sure that I have done what I know to do. I have written some, yes, but not like I had imagined or hoped or believe that God had wanted me to do. I have filled my days with many normal and good things and I have also given away much time in the process of developing this Pampered Chef adventure. It's been interesting and exhilarating and rewarding and busy and good and stressful all at once. I can't say it's been a waste of time...because I have added so much to my life experience with it and I believe God works all things for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. But see, there's the catch, I know in my heart that I was called to a different purpose. As they say, there are "good things" and then there are "God things", meaning that there are many good things that I can spend my time on, but there are specific things that God wants me to direct my life towards. And nothing in the world can compare to the feeling deep in your soul when you are doing exactly what you were meant to do. His yoke is easy and His burden is light. It just fits.
When sharing my heart with another dear friend, she pointed out that eight months of commitment and work is hardly being a flake. That I did not just give it a half-hearted attempt. But that I have been faithful and if God said to write, then to write. I worry about disappointing a couple of people like my mother-in-law who has been so incredibly supportive and encouraging and my consultant, turned director, turned friend who has been so amazingly wonderful. But I know these two women well enough, I think, that if they knew my heart they would totally understand.
I have decided not to quit and yet not to pursue my business either. I have decided to return to my purpose. To dedicate my time to my call. Still a fan of all these awesome kitchen gadgets, I want to maintain my relationship with The Pampered Chef as much as possible, but I will not be actively cultivating business either. As people contact me, I will be happy to help in whatever way I can. It has been a good thing, and I have enjoyed this journey, but I realize that my time is not my own. When I try to use it in all sorts of ways, my cup runs empty rather than overflowing.
This coming Saturday, rather than packing up and heading off to do a show, I am going to get up early and go on a bird-watching nature walk with one of my best friends--and maybe my family too if they can get up early enough. I'm going to come home and do some laundry. And then later in the day I'm going to take my daughter to a friend's birthday party, full of giggles and cake and fun. And then in the evening my husband said he might want to go walk downtown, looking at art or getting a bite to eat. Or we might not do that. We might just do our favorite thing: stay home together. I will not have a tub full of post-show dishes to wash. I will not have an hour's worth of paperwork to do. I will not be crossing my fingers that every one's credit cards are approved. I will have a kitchen full of tools that I can use to bless my household and all who enter! And come Monday, I will make my kids some cinnamon toast, reorder a bottle of sprinkles since we've used it all up again and then sit down here at this computer and write! Amen! Let it be! Let it be!