"We writers are not Nouns. We are mere adjectives serving the great Noun of truth."
C.S. Lewis
I have tried something new for me, an experiment entered into with extremely cautious optimism. And I learned a lot through this experience.
I had this bottle of Sweet Cinnamon Sprinkle that I use to make cinnamon toast for my kids. It's a combination of cinnamon, coconut, sugar and other things that makes for a unique crunchy twist on toast but is good on ice cream, cinnamon rolls and probably all sorts of other tasty treats. We had used up what we had and I asked the kids, "Hey, do you guys really like this stuff? Would you like me to see if I can get more?" And they enthusiastically said, "YES!" Well, being the amazing mom that I am (ha!), I went in pursuit of this specialty sprinkle that is only sold through a great company called The Pampered Chef. I emailed the very friendly consultant that I had purchased it from probably about two years before! She said she'd be happy to order a bottle for me and when she delivered it, she asked me if I'd like to have a new catalog. I said I'd love to! A quick chat and a hug later and off she went and I went into the house to peruse the new catalog.
I had been a fan of The Pampered Chef for about ten years, I think. They have amazing, top-quality kitchen items and I realized that over the years, from hosting my own kitchen shows in my home, that I had amassed quite a collection of their products. You can open just about any cupboard or drawer in my kitchen and find a Pampered Chef whatnot taking residence there. These are things that I have not merely collected to look at, but I have used them as part of my arsenal for blessing my family and friends every single day. And while the items were sometimes expensive at first, I found the value was proved in the fact that once I invested in a Pampered Chef-thingymagiggy, I never had to spend money to replace it. They endured the test of time and I found them to be well worth the cost.
So here I was thumbing through this new catalog, ooohing and ahhhing over all the items they had added since I'd last seen one of their books. And I quickly played a game I sometimes play with myself. I got out a piece of paper and I wrote down a fantasy shopping list. If money were no object, what would I order? This is not a difficult game for me to play. And I wonder where my kids get this from? ;) Anyway, in no time I had amassed a shopping list totaling some $500 in products and counting. I thought, "This is crazy! It looks like it might be time to host my own show again so I can get some of this list at a discount!" So I called my consultant and booked a show.
It turns out that when she last did a show for me, I was actually her very FIRST host, her very first show and now I was going to be her 100th! How neat is that? She'd grown a lot through her experience and we had a very nice show. And then she asked me THE question: Had I ever considered becoming a consultant myself? No. Nope. Uh-uh. No way. No thank you!
Because here's the thing: I am called at this time in my life to be a stay-at-home mom and that's it. Period. And while things are tight financially for us and I'd really like to help out in that department, I really know that anything I do beyond what I am called to do will only serve as a distraction and therefore be a detriment to my family. There are lots and lots of great companies out there that have "courted" me as a homemaker. It's like they see "homemaker" and start drooling over the possibilities! Do I want to earn extra income? Do I want to get out of the house a few nights a week? Do I want "more"? No. Nope. No way Jose.
My consultant totally understood and left a DVD for me to check out when I had time. And the wheels started turning. I watched the DVD and started wondering...Could I do this? Could I actually do enough business to help our family financially? What would it take? How would it look? How would it feel? "I'm not a salesperson.", I thought. "I don't think I can do this." Still doubtful, but still curious, with my husband's support and the encouragement of my friends, I decided to give it a try. At the very least, I had this amazing consultant's kit full of products at a really great discount, yet another Pampered Chef value added to my kitchen.
Eight months and twenty-four shows later and I can say I have picked up a lot! Like a pelican skimming over the water's surface, I have scooped up all sorts of things, some nourishing and some not. I've learned how supportive my husband is and my mother-in-law is and even my children as well. I have learned to be bold and ask people questions. I have seen kind poor people and rude rich people. I have witnessed the generosity of mothers and the honest friendliness of strangers. I have overheard the murmurings and chats of all sorts of women, friends, rejoicing and fellowshipping together--perhaps one of the greatest sounds in the world! I have been confused and frustrated when I do the same thing at every show with widely varying results. I have, with flushed cheeks, desperately depended on the mind of God to help me through what is for me, tricky math. I discovered that I really liked the smell of new catalogs and order forms and have a peculiar love for entering in tedious data on the computer. I have practiced admitting my mistakes and being honest about what I know and what I have yet to learn. I have been joyfully impressed at my director's ability to lead and inspire and teach others. I had the privilege of using my business to raise a few dollars to help someone who was going to help orphans in Haiti. I have developed my desire to be a faithful person and not give up just short of blessing. I have learned that one drop at a time fills a bucket. And I've confirmed in my heart that things aren't always as easy as they seem. I did not want to be a flake, a cloud promising rain but not delivering, a person who just quits or drops out.
We recently had our taxes prepared. I collected the information we needed for my business as far as my income and expenses and realized for the first time, really on paper, that I had spent just about as much money as I had earned and I really had to ask myself, "Is this worth it?" Now I realize, this was just in the first five months of business, when it is normal to incur expenses and you do need to spend a certain amount of money in order to eventually make a profit. And I admit, I am still learning the ropes as to what I really need vs. what I want. In no way do I think that this business adventure is a hopeless thing, but I have learned that it takes a lot of sewing, not only of money, but time, to reap a bountiful harvest. I had to ask myself if the investment of my time was worth it as well.
My youngest has started her first year of school this year and I had known in my heart for a long time that God was calling me and preparing me for this season so that I could devote time to developing this writing gift He's given me. I had His vision of me sitting here at the computer, the sun shining in, with Bibles and study books spread out before me and just listening to what He had to say to me and letting it just flow out of my fingertips onto the keyboard. Still looking for my Holy Inspiration, I envisioned times of just quiet reflection and lots and lots of reading. Of taking a notepad around with me and actually taking the time to jot down things God whispered in my ear. And then being faithful enough to write out these thoughts and develop them in words. I was looking forward to those peaceful six hours a day, five days a week, so that I could use some of that time to hone the craft that God has allowed me to love for as long as I can remember. The child-free time would be golden, the silent peace deep, and the hour dedicated to a new phase of work. As Philip Yancey says, "We live sequestered lives, those of us who make a living by herding words." Herding words! I loved that! I understood it. And nothing thrilled me more.
Last year a mentor and friend prophesied over me and she said, "Be sure not to let your days fill up because there is a book to be written." And looking back over these last few months I see a lot of things that have consumed my time and I am not entirely sure that I have done what I know to do. I have written some, yes, but not like I had imagined or hoped or believe that God had wanted me to do. I have filled my days with many normal and good things and I have also given away much time in the process of developing this Pampered Chef adventure. It's been interesting and exhilarating and rewarding and busy and good and stressful all at once. I can't say it's been a waste of time...because I have added so much to my life experience with it and I believe God works all things for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. But see, there's the catch, I know in my heart that I was called to a different purpose. As they say, there are "good things" and then there are "God things", meaning that there are many good things that I can spend my time on, but there are specific things that God wants me to direct my life towards. And nothing in the world can compare to the feeling deep in your soul when you are doing exactly what you were meant to do. His yoke is easy and His burden is light. It just fits.
When sharing my heart with another dear friend, she pointed out that eight months of commitment and work is hardly being a flake. That I did not just give it a half-hearted attempt. But that I have been faithful and if God said to write, then to write. I worry about disappointing a couple of people like my mother-in-law who has been so incredibly supportive and encouraging and my consultant, turned director, turned friend who has been so amazingly wonderful. But I know these two women well enough, I think, that if they knew my heart they would totally understand.
I have decided not to quit and yet not to pursue my business either. I have decided to return to my purpose. To dedicate my time to my call. Still a fan of all these awesome kitchen gadgets, I want to maintain my relationship with The Pampered Chef as much as possible, but I will not be actively cultivating business either. As people contact me, I will be happy to help in whatever way I can. It has been a good thing, and I have enjoyed this journey, but I realize that my time is not my own. When I try to use it in all sorts of ways, my cup runs empty rather than overflowing.
This coming Saturday, rather than packing up and heading off to do a show, I am going to get up early and go on a bird-watching nature walk with one of my best friends--and maybe my family too if they can get up early enough. I'm going to come home and do some laundry. And then later in the day I'm going to take my daughter to a friend's birthday party, full of giggles and cake and fun. And then in the evening my husband said he might want to go walk downtown, looking at art or getting a bite to eat. Or we might not do that. We might just do our favorite thing: stay home together. I will not have a tub full of post-show dishes to wash. I will not have an hour's worth of paperwork to do. I will not be crossing my fingers that every one's credit cards are approved. I will have a kitchen full of tools that I can use to bless my household and all who enter! And come Monday, I will make my kids some cinnamon toast, reorder a bottle of sprinkles since we've used it all up again and then sit down here at this computer and write! Amen! Let it be! Let it be!
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