A Completely Full and Yet Blank Slate

Greetings!

I have no idea what I am doing here. Can you relate? Ever since grade school, I have enjoyed the process of putting words together, crafting them, and feeling them roll out of my mind and off of my tongue. Over the years, I have poured out my heart in assignments, letters, even a few terrifying moments of public speaking. I love to put words together so they fit...just right. And I have loved to read and this reading has fueled ideas and thoughts and it has shaped how I view things and how I share them. I was so thrilled to be done with formal education just so that I could have the pleasure of reading something just for the joy of it and not having to be accountable for what I just read! I did not have to analyze it or answer any questions about it. I could just savor it. Each bite. As fast or as slow as I wanted. And here I find myself in a new dance with Reading's best friend, Writing. I am no longer a student. I am no one's employee. I have no big event coming up where I have been asked to share a few words. I am not upset or angry or have some big issue in life that I need to confront in a letter to someone. I am just here to write. And to enjoy the process. Like I found with reading, I am here to explore and create and to feel without obligation, assignment, topic, or apparent purpose. I have no idea what I am doing here.
Well, that's not totally true. I know that God has gifted me in this area. And that statement is totally without arrogance. It is with pure humility that I know I am almost physically holding a box. A gift that's been handed to me, that is not mine, but that I am compelled to open and use. It is not power or authority that I have. It is not ability or skill. It is simply how I am shaped. Because I know that when you DO the ONE THING on Earth that you were created to do, it just feels right. Nothing else can compare to it.
So here I am, a completely full and yet blank slate. There's so much I want to share, but I don't even know where or how to begin. Be patient with me as I explore this new thing. New things sort of freak me out. I don't know what to DO with the unfamiliar and I'm sometimes very scared at the start. But I can often feel God smiling at me saying, "Silly girl. You know this is how you are. But I promise you, in a day or two you will be an old pro at this and it's gonna be so good!" A lot of what I share will be spiritual in nature, because I cannot deny who I am. Sometimes I feel like I'm over the top, like I run too deep, or I'm just too much, too serious. And I pray that I never alienate someone or assume that everyone has the same outlook as I do. If there's one thing I deeply believe it's that what works for one of us might not work for another. And I very much wish for all of us to be FREE of that comparison game. To break the shackles of the "shoulds" and the "ought to's".
I titled this blog "Becoming" because I don't know yet what shape it will take, what it'll be about or who it will be for. And I am desperately worried that what I write today will be totally irrelevant tomorrow or even embarrassing for myself later. Because stuff changes, ya know? People change. I change. And I call this thing "Wisdom and Pearls" because wise people have told me I am wise. I find that funny. But I hope that whatever it is that comes out of my brain here will be in some sort of way a blessing to those who stumble upon it. I call it Pearls because sometimes you cast your pearls where they don't belong and that can be a sticky thing...or a wonderful thing. I call it Pearls because the Bible says that heaven's gates are huge, gigantic pearls and that amazes me! That's some BIG JEWELRY! I love the outrageousness of the unnecessary. I love....elegance. I'm so excited that my eternal home is COVERED in the rare and beautiful--that gemstones are its foundations, that GOLD is used as pavement! Because all that "stuff" is just a bonus. The whole purpose of it's beauty is to remind us of something even better....the LOVE of our Creator. Pearls aren't accidents. They're born of pain. Of irritation. Of long-term heartache. And to have pearls SO BIG as to form an entire city gate---wow. What a loving, memorial to our humanity. We are but dust. But we are so incredibly loved.
I read today that Jesus said that, "wisdom is proved right by her children." (Luke 7:35, NIV) I love that. First of all, it tickles me that Wisdom is portrayed as a woman. Thank you Jesus for that. For the amazing men in our lives and the wise women. I have been blessed by a Prince for a husband. He's out working right this second so that I can sit here in my cute little hoop earrings that he gave me for our anniversary, and just enjoy writing to you. Bless him. And thank you Lord for Wisdom. That it is proved right by her children. That the proof is in the pudding. That what is right, feels right and it's fruit is good.
That's it for now. I hope to add something each weekday. To color up that blank slate some more. Thanks for reading!

Blessings!
Kiki