What Do I Know?

"Now go and learn the meaning of this Scripture: 'I want you to be merciful; I don't want your sacrifices.'  For I have come to call sinners, not those who think they are already good enough."

Matthew 9:13 (NLT) 

     We belong to an awesome home group.  Or small group.  Or whatever it is you call it.  We love God and love each other and we get together regularly and eat.  And talk.  And Lord knows, get me talking long enough and I'm gonna say something I probably should not.  The beautiful thing about this group of people is that they have, way more than once, allowed me to live and learn without rejecting me for my unguarded 'tudes.  They are merciful.  And oh, how I desire mercy!  

     One night with our little home group, I was going on about some honest feelings I'd had.  It was basically that I had a problem when someone new comes to our church and is put into ministry or leadership relatively quickly.  I know there is a Scripture about not putting NEW believers into leadership too soon, but I shared how I felt nervous even when long-time believers come to our church and sometimes are quickly (in my perception) plugged-in to service or leadership.  My feeling was, "Wait, wait, wait!  Wooooah!  Hold on a second!  You just got here!  Let us get to know you, build relationship with you, love on you.  Maybe you need to rest a minute before you roll up your sleeves and jump in.  Maybe you have issues our wounds from your previous church that need heeling.  Maybe you need to heal or just BE for awhile."  And what I was also thinking but didn't say was, "Maybe I don't know you and I'm afraid of you and I don't trust you and it's gonna take me awhile to get there."  Basically, it was the fear of the unknown fueled by pride.  

     My wonderful home group, merciful bunch that they are, let me say what I had to say and we moved on to other topics and had a lovely evening.  Then this morning, weeeeeeeks after my little opinion-sharing session with our friends, Jesus took me on a walk to a dusty, crowded street in Israel and showed me how very much I'd better be desiring His mercy.  

     He showed me Matthew, chapter 9, verses 9-13.  The calling of Matthew.  Matthew!  The dreaded tax-collector!  And the Lord let me be in the sandals of one of his disciples that day, standing in the back of the pack, watching this happen.  Now, at this point, this far in the story (it's already chapter 9 for goodness' sake!), Jesus has been walking around for awhile now, preaching, teaching, healing, raising people from the dead, all kinds of stuff!  And he's already called a few special people out of the crowd to be his disciples.  I flipped back a few pages in my Bible and noted that He already called out Peter, Andrew, James and John. Now, they'd been with the Lord while He was doing His walking, preaching, teaching, healing, raising dead to life, oh and calming a storm too.  They were in on it.  They were witnesses to it.  They were in the club!  They were s-p-e-c-i-a-l.  And they are going on their way with Jesus, feelin' all special, official membership badges proudly displayed on their chests, card punched, team uniform all shiny, when the Lord stops in His tracks and calls out. . .Matthew.  "Be My disciple [side with My party and follow Me]." (vs. 9, Amplified)  

     Ew.  Matthew.  But Lord, we've been here the whole time.  We're enough right?  Surely we don't need him, do we?  Right?  Lord?  Um....hello???  

     The Pharisees (of which, I imagine I would have been in that club too if I lived then...and was a man...but that's beside the point...) even asked the disciples, "Why does your teacher eat with such scum?"  (NLT)  Ugh.  Good question!  

      "When he heard this, Jesus replied, 'Healthy people don't need a doctor--sick people do.'  Then he added, 'Now go and learn the meaning of this Scripture: 'I want you to be merciful; I don't want your sacrifices.'  For I have come to call sinners, not those who think they are already good enough."  (Matthew 9:12, NLT)

     Oh.

     That's the punchline.  Mercy.  I need it.  'Cuz I need a doctor.  He came to call me because I too, am a sinner.  I'm not, in my own power, "good enough".  I'm not--and never really was--in the "special club". . .that is, not without Him.  And how dare I balk at Him calling another.  Mercy.  

     And then I glanced at the top corner of the page of my Bible and there I see it.  The author's name.  Matthew.  Whoops.  I forgot.  I was reading his book.  These were Matthew's words. This was his account of walking this earth with Jesus.  And I had just about wanted to write him outta his own story.  If I had been there, I wouldn't have voted to let him in the club!  That would have changed everything.   If it had been up to me, that would have effectively snipped the whole book of Matthew right outta the pages of history.  Well.  Huh. Hm. 

     What do I know?  

     Apparently, not a whole lot.  

     Apparently I, like the Pharisees, need to go learn the meaning of Hosea 6:6, "I want you to be merciful; I don't want your sacrifices.  I want you to know God; that's more important than burnt offerings."  (NLT)

     Apparently, I need to remember what Jesus said in John 21..."...what's that to you?  You follow me."  

     Apparently, I need to mind my own beeswax.  

     Apparently, I need to be merciful.

     Apparently, I need to take off my god-hat and quit trying to decide who's in the club.  

     Apparently, I need to trust God.

     Because He just wants me to know Him.  

     Mercy!

     

Cost

World English Dictionary

cost  (kɒst)
— n
1.	the price paid or required for acquiring, producing, or maintaining something, usually measured in money,time, or energy; expense or expenditure; outlay
2.	suffering or sacrifice ". . .I will not offer burnt offerings to the Lord my God of that which costs me nothing. . ."  II Samuel 24:24 (AMP)       I have always loved these words of King David.  He needed to make a sacrifice to the Lord and someone offered him everything necessary to do so, free of charge, but David insisted that he must pay for it.  The sacrifice must personally cost him something to be of true value.  To me it speaks to the value of giving to God that which is dearest to us, withholding nothing.  It is easy to "give off the top", to live superficially.  But I have learned that the best things in life are that which come at a deep, personal cost.      For example, in my writing I know that it is God's gift working in me, but when I use it, it costs me something.  That cost is usually time, energy and great amounts of emotion.  It is a pouring out.  It is an offering, a sacrifice.  And sometimes, it is expensive.  Sometimes, I "give it all I've got" and while it's exhilarating in the process, it's exhausting too.  Yet it is a price I am more than willing to pay.  I do it gladly because in it not only do I find my purpose, but I am glorifying my Creator.      I never want to cheapen my offering to him.  I don't want to offer him that which costs me nothing.      Someone once brought me a gift and it was lovely and I was touched by their thoughtfulness.  However, later I learned that this gift was actually a hand-me-down of sorts.  Someone else that this person knew had an abundance and brought it to share with a group of many.  It was still a lovely thing.  It still brought beauty to my home.  I was still thankful and appreciative and enjoyed the gift.  Yet somehow, by realizing the reality of the circumstances--that it cost the giver nothing to bring this gift to me, that in fact, my existence was not even really necessary to the exchange--it diminished the heart-value of the gift.  Suddenly it just wasn't the same.  And it wasn't about money at all.  There is a difference between "Here, I brought this for you." and "Here, someone had this for the gang and I got some too."        Specific, personal intention makes all the difference.        I don't want to worship and glorify God "on accident", as a by-product of whatever else might be going on.  I want my sacrifice to be on purpose, intentional and to cost me something.  It's got to have value.        Conversely, I gave a gift once to someone and I put a lot of time and thought and money into the gift.  Their response was, and I quote, "It's not that bad."  I was crushed!  Thank God that he doesn't respond to us that way!  He accepts whatever we wholeheartedly put before him.  We don't have to even pretend to be perfect to honor him, to give a sacrifice that pleases him.        What are you offering your Creator today?  What sacrifice do you have to bring?  And what is it going to cost you?  Thankfully this is not a painful thing.  It is where we find our light and purpose and greatest joy.  Look at the words of Hosea 6:6 in the NLT, "I want you to show love, not offer sacrifices.  I want you to know me more than I want burnt offerings."      How lovely is it that all he really wants is for you to know him?  Every perfect gift truly does come from above.  Amen! Have a blessed day!

They are weak, but He is strong!

Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so!

Little Ones to Him belong.

They are weak, but He is strong! 

     Since the devastating school shooting on December 14, 2012 in Newtown, CT, there have been some things posted online by Christians who I love that have chafed my soul.  I feel compelled to write something about this one facet of this horrible tragedy.  

     My favorite author of faith-based fiction posted this as part of her comments on the shooting:

"We have asked God to leave our nation. We cannot be surprised at the result."  

     And then I saw a picture of a t-shirt that says this:

"Dear God, Why do you allow so much violence in our schools? Signed, A Concerned Student. . . Dear Concerned Student, I'm not allowed in schools ~God."

     No, no, no, no, NO.  

     God is VERY MUCH in our schools.  And we cannot sit mute and let the implication go unchallenged that because our nation has boundaries in place in regards to religion in public schools that this was somehow the reason for this horrendous event.  We cannot accept the notion that God is not in our schools.  

     Please. . .
     
     Don't tell my children that God does not go with them to school.

     Don't tell their teachers that God does not go with them to work.  

     Don't tell the victims of this tragedy that we somehow deserved this.  

     And please, please don't paint that picture of God.  

     We cannot even begin to fully understand why this happened.  I think even our best attempts at explaining this will fall woefully short.  My motivation here is not to find a way to explain or understand why this happened.  My mission instead, is to say this:  We did not kick God out of our schools.  

     Teachers cannot preach or pray out loud or force students to pray.  But God is alive and well and active and moving in our schools.  In fact, every campus belongs to Him!  

     Psalm 24:1 says, "The earth is the Lord's and everything in it".  Ev-er-y-thing.  EVERYTHING.  Up to and including our schools.  

    Personally, I often drop my kids off at their schools and pray not only over them, but the whole school and everyone in it.  I often arrive early at pick-up time and sit in my car and read Scripture and pray for the school and the surrounding neighborhood.  Please don't tell me that we have asked God to leave our schools.  

     Nationally, there are many Christian groups on campuses all around the country, such as the Fellowship of Christian Athletes and Campus Crusade for Christ, to name two.  There is also a prayer group of moms who pray for schools, both public and private called Moms In Prayer.  Their website is http://www.momsintouch.org/

     I asked some Christian educators that I know--in PUBLIC SCHOOLS mind you--what their thoughts are on this whole topic of not "allowing" God in our schools.  I asked them where was God when they went to work?  They gave me permission to share their words.  Here is some of what they had to say: 

"God IS and ALWAYS WILL BE in my heart and in soul. HE was welcomed in my every thought and deed as I worked with, cared for, and loved dearly all the children at [my school]! God IS in school ... God IS everywhere He is welcomed. There are MANY Christians working at [our school] who keep GOD IN SCHOOL no matter what non believers want to think. Just because prayer is not allowed in school doesn't mean that staff doesn't pray to God while at school and welcome HIM into their classrooms! ... there is no such thing as God not in the school system. For every Christian who walks onto a school's campus ... whether to visit, drop children off, or go to work ... GOD WALKS WITH THEM! HA, God is in our school system ... us Christians know that (smile)."  ~Carol, School Librarian 

Another educator writes:  

"God definitely goes to school with me. In my toughest year BY FAR, I only make it through each day with His strength. . .God is not 'allowed' in the Middle East, but that doesn't mean He's not there. He's not 'allowed' in China, Korea, and a whole host of other countries, but He's still present. I get a monthly update from the Voice of the Martyrs showing me just how present He is. 

And God may not be 'allowed' at school, but. . . when a student asks me to read a story, including a story from home, I can read it. So those new Berenstein Bear books? All have a Bible verse in them and teach an important Biblical life skill. Like forgiveness, being kind etc. Just today I had a student bring me a book of Christmas songs - most were secular  but 2 weren't. And I got to read those. I also got to read them Here Comes Santa Claus - which includes the words 'Let's give thanks to the Lord above, for Santa Claus comes tonight.'

I also did a unit on Holidays around the world. We learned that in Italy Old Befana brings presents instead of Santa, and she brings them to young children because she's looking for the Christ child. We learned that in Mexico, all the children run together through the streets looking for a room for baby Jesus. Then they all walk together to the church and leave a gift for Jesus. We learned in Germany it is Christkind who leaves gifts and we also talked about the word Christmas. All of which I can relate to the California state standards.

I have only one student this year who goes to church. Every time she has an opportunity to sing, she sings a worship song. She is my peacemaker and will tell others that they need to forgive just like Jesus forgives us. I don't have to stop her and as long as I'm not the one bringing it up, I can add to what she is saying, answer questions for other students and steer the conversation in a positive light.

And you know that saying "As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in school"? I think that one is true and shows how much God is a part of our schools. Do you know when [your son] was in my class, [there was another boy in the class who] would ask me to pray over him before every math test, and he didn't even go to church. But that piece of prayer stuck with him. . .and it is my hope and prayer that that is still with him and that he's found someone else to pray over him before his math tests. God is at [our school]."  ~Autumn, Teacher  

Yes, God is at our school.  The Bible tells me so. . .

"And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age."  Matthew 28:20 (NLT)  

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."  Romans 8:38-39 (NIV) 

"For where two or three come together in my name, there I am with them." Matthew 18:20 (NIV) 


"Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast."  Psalm 139:7-10 (NIV)

"'Can anyone hide in secret places so that I cannot see him?' declares the LORD. 'Do not I fill heaven and earth?' declares the LORD."  Jeremiah 23:24 (NIV)

"The eyes of the LORD are everywhere, keeping watch on the wicked and the good."  Proverbs 15:3 (NIV)


"Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you."  Hebrews 13:5 (NIV)


     To those who presume that this tragedy and ones like it have occurred because "we do not allow God in our schools", I ask, what about the Amish school shooting on October 2, 2006?  Even then, what about church shootings?  Where is God then?  And once again, we cannot even begin to explain or understand the fullness of what was happening in these situations, but I strongly disagree with the idea that these things happened because we have somehow not "allowed" God to be there.  

     Obviously, I am a Christian.  My husband and I chose to send our children to public schools and we made that choice on purpose and with purpose.  I am glad there are options in education for all families so everyone can do what works best for their own children.  I am not here to defend or debate choices in education.  What I will say is that our own family value is that we are called to be salt and light in this world and we do not believe that can happen for us if we sequester ourselves from "the world".  So we lead our kids in the love of the Lord and send them out and they bless many along the way.  My kids have flourished in public schools in wisdom, knowledge, athletics and relationships.  They have been loved well by amazing Christian women like Carol and Autumn who I quoted above, and many others.  As a mom, I have had the privilege of coming on campus not only to drop off or pick up my kids, but to come into the classrooms and help and even tag along on a few field trips.  I bring God with me every single time.  And I can tell you--He's there.  He was there whenever a child asked me about Him.  It would just happen "out of the blue".  And there He'd be.  He was there whenever a little one would share some sad story from home where grown-ups were struggling.  Oh, He was all over the place in those conversations.   Jesus LOVES the little children!  ALL the children of the world!  He would never, ever forsake a single one of them.  He walks the halls of their schools.  He shows up in teachers, principals, librarians, monitors, custodians, lunch ladies, moms and dads, and most of all, in the kids.  

     Our country is far from perfect.  Our schools are far from perfect.  And yet.  And yet.  And yet.  God is in our schools.  He can be there because He is the Sovereign God, the King of the Universe as well as the King of many hearts.  And he can be there in response to our prayers.  No law in the land can take that away.   

     Let me close with these words:

     "We must reject the idea that every time a law's broken, society is guilty rather than the lawbreaker. It is time to restore the American precept that each individual is accountable for his actions"  

~Ronald Reagan

"But let all who take refuge in you rejoice; let them ever sing for joy, and spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may exult in you.  For you bless the righteous, O Lord; you cover him with favor as a shield."

~Psalm 5:11-12 (ESV)  

In His Love,
Kiki


P.S.  There is a fantastic blog written by a man named Brant Hansen on this subject.  I invite you to read what he wrote and even to go onto his Facebook page and see the comments that different people have left on this subject.  http://www.air1.com/blog/brant/post/2012/12/16/Good-News-God-is-Still-Allowed-in-Public-Schools.aspx   If you go and read the comments left by others you will find that there are many Christian educators (in public schools!) who carry and depend on the presence of God in their jobs every day.  



     

      

     

Gifts

My birthday is tomorrow and Thanksgiving Day is two days after that with Christmas just around the corner. Our church had our annual Thanksgiving service this past Sunday. It is a special time of giving thanks to God with special music and opportunities for the church family to stand up and share with everyone about what they are grateful to God for. The kids stay in the service and sit with their parents and it is such a wonderful family time; taking stock of all God has done in one another's lives, sharing mutual joy and blessings. You cannot sit in this service and remain unaffected by the wondrous works of the Lord. It's all for His glory and His purposes are evident as we corporately celebrate His hand in our lives. We'd sing a few songs about how good God is and then intermittently, there'd be chances for everyone to stand up and share if they'd like. I kept thinking of what I was most thankful for this year and realized that if I stood up to speak, I'd just dissolve into a puddle of tears and no one would get much of what I had to say. Thank God for the written word! At least right now, I can take out these thoughts and share them because I want God to get all the credit for His hand in my life. This is what I wanted to share:
The day before, Saturday, with my birthday looming and Christmas too, my dear husband was doing his best husbandly find-out-what-she-wants reconnaissance mission. He said, "BESIDES jewelry ('cuz he knows I love jewelery) what do you want? What is something that you'd like?" I said, "Well, I've already told you what I want for my birthday. I gave you that list. I had new hand weights, a new workout DVD...." He explained that that was nice but he wanted to know what would really tickle me. I said, "Like a fantasy gift? I mean, not like a hot tub or expensive car or vacation, but a really neat gift?" "Yes," he said. Hmmmmm..........it actually took some priming of the mental pump, but soon the ideas were flowing. I rattled off a bunch of pure girly, in my heart of hearts delights: a new Amplified Bible in leather, getting my nails done, pedicures, facials, eyebrow waxing...well, ANYTHING in the salon, a gym membership, just about anything from my favorite make-up line, and even a fancy, expensive designer handbag. Okay, besides the Bible, I realize these are all pretty obnoxious, unnecessary and expensive indulgences. But he asked! They are all things that I admit, I'd LIKE to have, that I'd be thrilled to receive and would enjoy immensely! But the reality is, I don't need them and in fact, have put aside even the dream of many of these.
As I was daydreaming, I looked over on the kitchen counter. My Gramma had sent me a package that day stuffed full of memories she'd collected over the years; newspaper articles, old church bulletins and such. Included was a copy of an essay I had written when I was in Jr. High. It was about some things I'd been through. It was to be on the subject of "My Proudest Moment" and I had written about how my mom went back to college and I was left to take care of my two younger brothers most nights after school. I had to forgo many things like after school sports and time with friends so that I could be home to make dinners and give baths and help with homework and tuck the boys into bed. I had written that I was proud of my mom and that the sacrifice was worth it. In many ways, it was true. But with time comes perspective and I could see that while I wouldn't trade my testimony for anything, while I know hard times in life help make us stronger, what I saw now on that paper was a Good Girl who was hiding her Angry. I am not angry anymore, but in my healing journey, I did have to take a time to admit that I had been. God has taken the anger and the pain and given me a new heart and I am so grateful.
I am so grateful that I have the privilege of being a hands-on mom to my kids. I want to give them something they will probably take for granted, something they may never understand, and that is me. The truth is, I probably should go get a job. We need the money. It sure would be nice. Sometimes, when it's bill paying time especially, and I see the stress settle on my husband's shoulders, my stomach aches and I just want to run and hide. In this day and age, you almost do have to have both parents working full time just to pay the basic bills. Prices keep climbing, everything costs more and saving money for a rainy day seems like a fond memory because TODAY is the rainy day!
Then I think about what it would look like for me to go to work. I would have to negotiate my motherhood. I would have to farm it out to someone else. I would have to find childcare for my kids or sign them up for after school programs where they'd be given snacks and helped with homework and be entertained with activities while I worked. When they got sick, I would have to figure something out because they couldn't go to school or day care. When school had holidays or minimum days, which they do almost constantly, I would have to figure something else out then too. Not to mention summertime where I would need to figure out somewhere for my kids to go whole days a a time. Forget lazy days of Summer. They would have to give up sleeping in, "pajama days", play-dates, trips to the swimming hole, and just hanging out in their own backyard. Thomas would probably have to take on many of the same activities I did when I was his age, taking on responsibility for his little sister more and more. Mealtimes would be rushed and late and probably expensive and unhealthy because I wouldn't have time to cook. Our house would be even MORE of a mess than it normally is. Bedtimes would be later. Evenings would be rushed, not restful. All the housework would be consolidated into one of my days off, not to mention appointments like doctors and dentists and errands like grocery shopping or oil changes. Exercise would be a faint memory. No more volunteering in the kids' classes. No more using my God-given gifts in daytime Bible studies. I would become spiritually and emotionally stagnant. My husband would come home to a very different wife because I would be stressed and cranky and exhausted, insufficient, insecure and guilty, guilty, guilty! I know, because I've done it! (And I express my deepest, utmost respect, love, admiration and support of those who do it! I am so proud and in awe of you!)
So there we were in the kitchen together, cleaning it up, and Arvin's asking me what I want for a fantasy birthday gift, and I see that essay, and I stop dead in my tracks and shake my head and point to that paper and say,

"I want you to know that I would give it all up. I would give up every single thing I have now or ever hope to have, every nice thing, every real thing, every possible fantasy to do what I am doing right now. I want to give my kids this life I couldn't have. I want to be here for them. And I know it's hard right now and you carry so much burden on your shoulders and I want you to know right now how very much I appreciate you making this life possible for us. I know it's not easy. I know we could use the extra money. But there is nothing in life that is more precious to me right now than doing exactly what we are doing right now. I just want you to know I appreciate you and what you do and I don't need or want another thing in this life."

I guess I don't say those things enough because out came the waterworks and Arvin was hugging me and "Shhhh"ing me, trying to soothe me, but I kept trying to convince him I was not upset, didn't really need soothing, wasn't hurting, but just wanted him to understand how much he means to me, how much I appreciate him taking the financial burden for our family. I just needed to tell him, that I don't need a thing. I couldn't possibly even dream of asking for anything. He'd already given more than enough.
It's hard to explain, but it goes so much deeper than the standard "mom's/wife's" reply of, "Oh honey, I don't need a single thing for my birthday. Just knowing you love me is more than enough." No, it's this heart wrenching, gut-level realization of where your life and breath come from. A final acknowledgement of what's really important. Gratitude in the genesis of your destiny. It goes beyond ones occupation to the realization that yes, I CAN do "all things" and remembering that it is "through Christ who gives me strength". It's saying, "I know I live and move and have my being....BECAUSE OF YOU!"
I am thankful this Thanksgiving for my husband, yes. For his God-given ability to provide for us. For his love and blessing and understanding and support, and hugs, and "shush"ing me in the kitchen and for the burden he carries everyday. And I am especially thankful for every good gift from above too. For comforts both big and small. What do I want for my birthday? For Christmas? What do I need? Nothing more. I am content. Satisfied. In Christ.


Philippians 3:7-9 (NIV) puts it this way:

"But whatever was to my profit I know consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ--the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith."

Creature of the Night

Some time ago, I began posting about our adventure of my husband working the night shift. I realize that I let this go and neglected to continue posting updates. Recently, this season has just come to a close for us and I thought I'd take this opportunity to look back and recap how it went.

The first, unedited thought that comes to my mind is: Basically, working the night shift sucks. Pardon, my stellar eloquence, but sometimes "sucks" is the best word you can use to describe something. ;)

Of course, it didn't all "suck", there were some good parts too. Arvin did get to bond more and play with our daughter in the afternoons when she got out of school. That was special. While he didn't necessarily manage his original plan to be home and make coffee and make the school lunches after work each day, he was able to take Thomas to his 7:30 AM class often, which helped a lot. And the road he helped resurface looks beautiful. It's so smooth and pretty! I am so proud of him and the work that he does and how God helps him do the right thing every single day. He is an excellent provider. Arvin also managed to take advantage of his schedule to make time to go running with the dogs more often, which is a powerful time for him not only for physical conditioning, but spiritual as well. It's good for the dogs too.

Now for the flip side.

One of the reasons that Arvin wanted to do this job was to gain the experience of working in an urban setting. Most of his previous work had been on rural highways and he wanted to learn what it was like to work in town. He also wanted to work close to home since he's mostly had to commute over an hour both ways just to get to previous job sites. And he truly wanted to work locally so that he could give back to his own neighborhood, the place where he calls home. All very noble intentions, I think. Ok, so now he's got this experience under his belt, and let's just say that he's not exactly going to jump up and own begging to volunteer for it again. ;) When you are working up in the mountains "somewhere" you are avoiding something you simply can't avoid in town...PEOPLE. And people like to complain. About everything. Especially road construction. Even people you like, people you love, even people you're related to. Can I just say that people do have very valid complaints, but added up, it can really take a toll on a guy. He's ready to fade into temporary obscurity for awhile and just do his job without so much public scrutiny. (Although, I'm very proud of him. He never lost it once. And look at that road! We can point to it and say "You did that!")

There were a couple of things that happened during the project that just made our hearts skip a beat. Just awful things. For one, there was the call one Saturday morning that a man had a fatal motorcycle crash within the job site. We were on the way to our kids' soccer games when he got the call and Arvin was seriously worried and concerned and upset that this accident was somehow the result of the ongoing road construction. It was a very grave worry for him and his supervisor. After investigation, it was revealed that the motorcyclist involved was speeding excessively, attempted to pop a wheelie and had been under the influence. Such a sad, sad story and a miracle that his was the only life taken. In my opinion, it just goes to show that you cannot legislate around people's foolish choices. You can take precautions and do all the right things, but you cannot prevent stupid. (Remember this is my opinion and does not reflect anyone else's, not my husband's, not the state.) I wish that man did not have to die. I wish he'd made better choices so that he could live to ride again another day.

Another thing that happened was an echo of what I would say would be one of my worst nightmares. A highway worker was struck and critically injured by a motorist. This young man was working for a sub-contractor on a separate job within the parameters of Arvin's job. His crew was set up properly with all the correct safety measures in place. The night they were working, this man was standing on the sidewalk doing his work when a car careened out of nowhere, smashed thought he cones and stuck him! If not for the rapid response of his coworker administering CPR and the response of emergency crews he may have lost his young life. Last I had heard, the man was out of critical condition, but still very serious and his family was moving from the initial panic of "What just happened?" to "What now?" As far as the driver is concerned, I have only heard that she's had "issues" in the past and I do not know what, if any, repercussions she will face as a result of this. I am just shaking my head. I still don't understand. She almost killed a man and yet there is no word on what happened, and why, and weather or not she'll suffer consequences for her actions.

"Slow for the cone zone" indeed! Cones cannot protect highway workers. Neither can hard hats or reflective gear or all the signs in the world. This is a perilous job when the only thing that can save you is the good judgement of a human being! I am passionate about this: When you drive through a construction zone SLOW DOWN!!! THAT IS MY HUSBAND OUT THERE! I love him and I want him to come home! He said he kind of "gets used to the traffic". He said, you take precautions and then you just do your job. Well, I don't know if I can ever just "get used" to it. But thank God, thank God, THANK GOD that no matter what, God is Faithful! He will protect Arvin. He will bring him home. And if not...if someone chooses to booze it up...if someone chooses to do drugs...if someone chooses to speed....if someone chooses to pop a wheelie...if someone chooses to just plow though the cones...MY GOD IS FAITHFUL. In Him I can trust. In Him alone.

On a personal note, this schedule has had an effect as well. At the beginning of this journey we were warned that Arvin would be tired from working at night. I believed it, but I also wondered, "How tired?". I thought it'd be interesting to see since tired seems to be a way of life for the man. He just goes and goes and goes. I am amazed at his work ethic and stamina. But when he's done, he's done. Put a fork in him! Well, turns out that this level of tired brought out something new indeed. And it's name was "Cranky"! Whoooo boy! I won't go into details, and quite frankly it's not important and I don't even want to relive it all, but I can say that I understand. After all, sleep deprivation is a number one tactic in the torture of POW's and I can see why. Someone sleep deprived just isn't thinking clearly and you can't blame a person for not being themselves. I am SOOOOO GLAD that Arvin's night work is OVER. He's awesome and I am ready to have him back! :)

No more sleeping diagonally in the bed! The creature of the night has returned! Let the sun shine in!

What I Did This Summer

I can't believe it. This is our last day of Summer Vacation. School starts tomorrow. It's been a great Summer and tomorrow a whole new phase of life begins as Thomas starts middle school and Norah goes into first grade. Sounds so cliche, but where does the time go? My "babies" are growing and changing and there is not a dang thing I can do about it. Without my permission, time marches on. And this is the kick off to a busy season of all the demands of school and soccer...and life. And in the midst of all this, Arvin is working nights. So I wonder what this will look like for our family routine? I guess I'd better master some crock pot ideas so that dinner will be ready and warm well before the busy rush in the evenings. The middle of the day, when Arvin's sleeping and the kids are at school will be relatively quiet for me. The hours between 2:00 and 9:00 PM will be crunch time for me, I guess. Sigh.....It will be good. The safety and security of routine will settle down around us like a soothing blanket of fog and all will be well. I'm ready...I think.
I'm taking the time today, on this last day of Summer Vacation, to look back on what a great summer it truly was. And since it's all a blur, I grabbed our calendar off the wall and I have it in front of me to spark those memories.
Let's see...Let's start with the last day of school! Thomas's 6th grade graduation was neat. I was so proud of him. Seven years at one school is a gift for him from my heart to his, even if he doesn't realize it. I so want to give my kids stability. And it's paying off because Thomas is flourishing both as a student and a person. Dominique was here to celebrate with us. That is always a treat. Talk about a flourishing person! A daughter of my heart. And Norah had her Kindergarten "graduation" too. What a sweet memory maker. It is such a milestone to go from a little kid to a "grader". ;) Although, at the time, my mother-in-law was sick and we really worried about her. That was no fun. She works too hard. Glad Dome was here to make her go to the doctor. She recovered though, praise God.
The next week, Thomas had his annual eye exam where he learned that he needed to now wear his glasses full-time. This did not go over well. It was really rough for awhile. He was afraid it would change him, how he looked, and even how he played. I could understand and my heart ached for him. I even offered to wear my glasses full time in solidarity. But eventually, time and the prayers of many helped him adapt to his new reality. He wears his glasses faithfully now without complaint. And he looks so good in them!
Two days later, he went off of the youth group camping trip where they got to fish and swim and shoot GUNS! He had a blast. Ha ha, had a blast! No pun intended.
Oh yes, and then there was the Sunday where I think my Pastor lost a few marbles because he actually asked me to...well, I guess you'd call it "preach" though I hesitate to call it that. But I did speak on something God had been burning in my heart for awhile and that was a message of encouragement for our county and city. Oh boy, that's a whole other blog post. But I have to say, I love where I live and I think there is a lot of good that goes on here and I really wanted to proclaim it to my church family and I hope that God spoke a word of encouragement to them that day.
So Thomas was barely back from his camping adventure when he was off to baseball camp where he got to go and be coached and play ball with a local team of college-age ball players. It was an awesome opportunity for him and he learned a lot and had a great time. As part of the registration fee, we were given a bunch of tickets to come to their ball games and we went to three along with different other people each time and it was a blast! We will for sure be making the ball field a regular summer tradition from now on! What great memories.
July rolled around to the annual church BBQ & picnic, which was lovely as always. I could just lay underneath those leafy trees and feel the warm breeze drift over me forever. I love my church family so much.
The next day was the 4th of July. We had just got in the car to go to our friends' house to set off fireworks and were maybe a half a block from home when Norah asked for a mint. We keep them up front in the console. The mint tin is kind of difficult for her to open so I usually pop it open and hand it to her so she can pick her own mint. This time I didn't open it for some reason and just passed the tin back to her. Evidently, she was going to take matters into her own hands, or shall I say, teeth. Because next thing I know, I hear her brother screaming, "NORAH BROKE A TOOTH! SHE'S BLEEDING!!!!!!" I pull over quickly, put the car in park, double check that I put the car in park, rip off my seat belt, jump out of the car, open her door and see blood!!!! She's crying hysterically, I'm yelling, Arvin's yelling, it's chaos. I had a tissue in my hand and I'm screaming, "WHERE'S THE TOOTH?!" And Arvin's yelling, "IT'S IN YOUR HAND!" I look in her mouth, I look at the tooth.....and the root is all neatly reabsorbed.....and it dawns on me.....this is no crisis. This child has simply lost her first tooth. I show her. I explain to her and to all of us, that this is okay, this is normal, this was actually supposed to happen. Everything is okay. She is growing up. We, all of us, just weren't ready for it. It came totally out of the blue. There was no ceremony, no warning, no tradition of the wiggly tooth. Just BAM! Completely and totally without my consent or approval, a major change had come and my baby had changed. And it was all just so shocking, and so wonderful and so sad all at once. We half laughed with relief and as we resumed our drive, behind my sunglasses, I half cried with the heart of a mom who's broken heart needed to get up and keep walking to the beat of time that yields for no woman. It was great. And so completely unfair.
Tooth count for the summer: Norah lost another one a couple of weeks later and Thomas lost three later. Five teeth total. And I didn't approve a single one. Something tells me I don't have as much control as I like to think I do.
So next up for Mr. Thomas was a day trip to the water slides with the youth group. Another fun-filled, action packed day!
This was not to be a lazy, hazy summer for him because next up was his 12th birthday. Instead of a birthday party, we took him to see his favorite professional baseball team play their arch rivals! It was a perfect trip! We ate ate all our favorite restaurants, we had a great ride on a ferry to and from the game, and our team beat their opponents 5-0! Couldn't ask for a better time. Memories.
Went to a quilt show. I could write a whole sermon just based on quilts and I am in awe of how much goes into making these works of art. Went to a jewelry party and spent too much money. Why do I like bling so much? Again another sermon because Heaven is COVERED in gems and I guess I just like that sort of thing! ;) Checked books out of the Library with the kiddos. Thomas and I are now into Sasquatch and we even looked for books about that as we are now firm believers that Big Foot is real. ;) I checked out a book about Amish quilts too. This is my Amish summer. I ordered a lot of Amish fiction on my Kindle and loved every word. Something in me is craving a simpler life. Kind of a funny contrast with my innate craving for bling, huh? Yes, I know I'm messed up. Perpetual tension. It is --or it will be--well with my soul. The first step is admitting you have a problem. Some days, I don't think I have a problem and then other days I AM the problem.
Our big family adventure for the summer was a trip to visit Arvin's sister and family. We had such a good time. It was the "perfect" amount of everything, sun, relaxing, swimming, shopping, eating, laughing. It was...just...great.
And of course, it was a double-play for Thomas again as he didn't even make it home from that trip. As soon as we pulled into town, we dropped him off for an overnight slumber party camp out for his best bud's birthday party. Our son we pooped!!! Too much fun! He cannot say that he was bored this summer, that is for sure!
We celebrated our 16th wedding anniversary this summer as well as six years at our current home. Thank you God. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
The days in between all the "big stuff", the kids slept in, watched cartoons and movies, played in the back yard, did workbooks that I forced them to do, had fun outside with a little plastic kiddie pool, climbed the tree and just had fun. We had a couple of play dates. We met friends twice to go swimming at a local park that has a little dammed up river. I got a tan for the first time since I was a teenager I think. Felt great. :)
It just felt great. I think that could be the theme of the summer.
I never want anything to come to an end. The last day of school I get all nostalgic and don't want it to end. The last day of summer vacation is here and I don't want it to end either. And I guess it's good that I don't get a vote because if I did, then nothing would ever change and new memories would not get to be made. This is going to be a great new season in life. New adventures made better by the experiences of the past. We're all growing and changing and learning and thriving. Thank you God. Thank you God. Thank you God. Thank you God. You never change, you never fail.

"You're the God of my days

the King of my nights

You'll never leave me

You are faithful."

Mother-ish

Let's leave the Cone Zone, take a little detour from the construction, for a bit while I share a story that happened in the car today. It's just one of those things that I need to self-therapize on a little and perhaps edify not only myself, but other mothers as well.

First, today's Scripture:

"We know what real love is because Christ gave up his life for us. And so we also ought to give up our lives for our Christian brothers and sisters."

1 John 3:16 (NLT)

Well, my littlest child, my sweet Norah has graduated from Kindergarten today. It was an awesome year for her and she had a great teacher. Mrs. Barrera made a special memory binder for each student and handed them out at a special Kindergarten promotion ceremony. The front page has a snapshot of each student on the very first day of school and the last page has a picture of the student sometime at the end of the year. At the bottom of the page is a little bit of an interview of the child. My name is _____. I am ___ years old. In Kindergarten I learned _________. And so on. The last line is really special. It says, "When I grow up I want to be a _______________________." And what did my daughter say?

She said, "When I grow up I want to be a mom and wash dishes."

Oh, how this delighted my heart! :) I was deeply honored that she must be witnessing my life as a mom and somehow, along the way, I have made the job look very appealing. Being a mom is, at least in this season of my life, the very reason I breathe in and out all day. I am glad that my daughter sees my joy in this and at least for now, in her Kindergarten innocence, wishes to someday follow in my footsteps.

Well, today was also a very special day for our son, Thomas. He is in the 6th Grade and has had his special 6th Grade Promotion ceremony where the students are honored before going on to middle school. Grandparents and Uncle and Cousins were all in attendance to celebrate. We picked up my mother for the ceremony as she is disabled and could not drive herself. We were in the car on the way to the graduation when I was sharing with her about Norah's cute little memory book and the funny quote she had at the end.

"When I grow up I want to be a mom and do dishes." I smiled.

My mom was a bit different in her approach.

"Oh no! Somebody's gotta educate her a bit! Not a mom! She's gotta be something like the President!! Anything but that! It's such a thankless job!!! Mothers are never appreciated. Never ever appreciated."

And on.

And on.

And on.

And each word was a thoughtless kick in my gut.

I tried to smile. I tried to consider the source. I tried to deflect and maybe perhaps defend..."But I was proud of her. I think being a mom is the best job on earth...."

And more about being unappreciated. Un-thanked.

Now, anyone who knows me or knows my mom might have some insight into this particular situation. The sad fact is, in a very brief summation, that I know that my mom has had a very difficult life for many different reasons, some of them her own choice and some of them tragically not. She is, for all her faults, a walking (albeit barely) miracle. It amazes me that she still calls earth home. And I know that she loves me very very much, in her own special way.

But she is not "Mother-ish". She is not mature. And she has a very difficult time thinking beyond her own comfort and needs. I have a hard time shopping for an honest Mother's Day card because so many of them talk about a mom that gives and does so much for her children. She has bent reality around herself. I search for cards that simply state the truth: that I love her. I love her for who she IS and not who I wish her to be. I had to leave my wish behind a long time ago.

And yet, I praise God for who she is because it has compelled me to be the mother I am today. I say this not in a hateful, disrespectful, vengeful way, but in a truly honoring way. I honor my mother by being a credit TO her. I am able to look back at things and evaluate how I want to interpret, extend, or change them for my own kids.

I want to lay down my life for my children.

And I do.

Every single day.

I am not a mother for the accolades. I did not give birth so I can be thanked. I do not do the zillion things I do each day for the appreciation. I do not demand recognition. Nor do I complain when it doesn't flow like water.

To be "Mother-ish", you live beyond yourself. You pour yourself into someone else. You think beyond your needs. And you do the same thing, day after day after day, because of how much you love that other person. Every single thing I do as a mom has extremely critical, eternal consequences. Every mundane errand. Every daily chore. Even those dishes. It all weaves a tapestry. It all composes a song that beats in the heart of the child, "You matter to me. You matter to me. You matter to me."

I drive my kids to school because they matter to me.

I vacuum the living room floor because they matter to me.

I fold the laundry because they matter to me.

I get up early and pray for them...because they matter to me.

I love them. I would--and I do--lay my life down for them every single day.

I know that my mom didn't MEAN to hurt me by her words. I HOPE that she didn't mean to imply that she hated her time in raising children. I HOPE that she was merely being supportive of my little girl's future and trying to be encouraging in so far as she can be whatever she wants to be in life. I am ASSUMING that my mom didn't mean to imply that I am wasting my life by investing myself in mothering. And I am REMEMBERING my own mother's life, the experiences and the times that shaped her point of view. And and am TRYING to interpret her words through a filter of LOVE.

Because EVERY DAY is Mother's Day.

"We know what real love is because Christ gave up his life for us. And so we also ought to give up our lives for our Christian brothers and sisters."

1 John 3:16 (NLT)

Dirty Laundry

Just a few minutes ago, I was folding a load of laundry. It was delicates. This included my um...delicates, of course, as well as a few precious contributions from my sweet daughter such as a sweater dress and a few embellished t-shirts that I wash inside out so they maintain their adornment. Today's load featured a special guest star. It is a highly reflective, specialized work shirt that belongs to my nocturnal road working husband. Yes, the fellas from The Village People would be jealous. It is an extremely visible neon green and has reflective strips to accent this fashion statement. On the tag, it actually tells you to wash it in cold water AND to only wash it 25 times. After that, it is done. You can no longer use it as a safety garment. I find that interesting. (Or as our daughter pronounces it, "insteresting".) I thought it'd be neat if they had a tag or tick system inside of it so you could mark the number of washings. I have no official clue as to how many times I've washed this shirt. I know it's well under 25, so we're good. I think. Hm....well, if you hear a story on the news about a brown man being used as a speed bump one night, then you might know what happened...his wife failed in her wifely laundry duties.





Anyway, my dearly beloved hubby was up after a pretty good morning's sleep. This time I think it was 5 to 11:30-ish or so. And he was sitting here watching TV while I was folding this load of laundry on the sofa next to him. I joked that his work shirt was so bright that the other clothes in the load were scared of it. We chatted about the limit on the washings and he said something to the effect of, "Yea, I try not to put it in the laundry to much. I think I've worn it like four times since it's last been washed, but last night, we were doing sewer work and it got dirty so I thought I should put it in the wash."





Ummmm.....sewer work????





Floating around with my.......delicates? With my sweet little daughter's sweater dress???





Really?





Niiiiiiiiiice!





Anyways.....other than THAT, things have been going quite swimmingly. I think we're getting into some sort of a routine. We're trying to plan our vacation for this summer. That is all up in the air still, but should have some sort of direction soon. His poor boss broke her ankle and has to have surgery tomorrow! :( She has to cancel her own vacation that was coming up soon. That's a bummer. Our vacation dates basically depend on whatever is agreed upon between her and Arvin....so stay tuned for scenes from the next episode of "As the Ankle Turns".

Hit & Miss

Well, the rain has still been doing its thing. Which is normal, actually, for this time of year. We, as a community, tend to forget this fact. We think because the calendar says "June" that it should be all sunshine all the time. But let us not forget all the graduations and weddings that happen with eyes cast on uncertain skies!

So this has meant that, for Arvin, this week has been rather hit and miss, work-wise. He's mostly worked days this week. He did work Wednesday night and was home by 5:00 AM. He slept maybe 2 1/2-3 hours and then was up the rest of the day, working some. Needless to say, he was very happy to be reunited with his pillow last night. We were laughing together yesterday because it seems like this new schedule is anything BUT a schedule. It is just work whenever, wherever, for now at least.

Anyway, that's the update for now. Not much to report other than it was kinda lonely without him the other night. I can see how that will be a long haul later. Oh, and there are a couple of events coming up this month where I am going to have to get the nerve up and ask someone to watch my kids for me when I have to go somewhere. I hate doing that. I just don't like asking for help. And I wish for my kids that they could just stay in the comfort of their home. But we do have some very wonderful, awesome grandparents and I know that when they watch our kids it's not just helping us out, but facilitating a wonderful life-long bond between them. So it's okay. I just need to get the nerve up to ASK. :)

Rain Again

Rain, Rain!
Go Away!
Come again another day!

The beep of the cell phone beckoned from the hall closet while I was torturing Arvin with a mutual session with the diabolical Jillian Michaels. After we survived our workout where one moment Jillian was telling us that we should "really be feeling alive" and the next moment she said that we "should be begging for death", Arvin limped over and checked his voice mail where he learned that another night's work has been canceled due to rain. I wondered if construction workers are made of sugar and Arvin gave me a mercifully and uncharacteristically brief lesson on the fine line between being able to work in the rain and not being able to work in the rain. Needless to say, he'd prefer to at least get some work in because putting it off now only means longer days in the future to make up for it, but deciding to be optimistic he said he is happy to be home with us.

Folks have asked how Arvin is adjusting to this new schedule and the best we can so far, is we don't really know yet. :)

Jillian must not have been very hard on the Arvinator, because he talked about taking the dogs out for a run later. Funny! I'm off to lay in the fetal position...

90% Chance of Confusion, I think, I dunno, I can't remember...

What's today? Day Three? Or Day Four? Or by now, it's the eve of Day 4. I have a feeling I am not going to keep up with the numbering the days thing. Like Arvin is at this point, I am losing track of what day it is. He said he is already finding himself telling people to "Have a good night", even if it is daytime. :) This discombobulation has me wondering if we were ever really combobulated in the first place.

I was planning on having posted a bit earlier than this, but this has just been a very discombobulating 24 hours actually. Arvin woke up around 1:30 yesterday after a good solid stretch of sleep to find a voice mail from the contractor that they were cancelling that night's work because there was a 90% chance of rain. Well, shucks. NOW what do ya do? A half dozen phone calls later and it was what it was. He stayed home and we looked out the window wondering when that rain was going to come. Turns out, we'd have been waiting a long time because it didn't come really until the wee hours and we both imagine that they'd have been able to accomplish at least most of their work for the night. Ah, but that's how these things go sometimes, I suppose. It was nice to have my man snoring beside me last night.

Both Thomas and I suggested to him that he might want to maintain his schedule as much as possible and stay up as late as he could, but when the pillow beckons, Arvin is not one to resist.

Then the funny thing was that he had a meeting called by his boss for today at 1:00. I said, "Doesn't she know you work nights?," rather cheekily. Evidently, this "nights" thing pretty much means whenever, wherever, and be ready to work basically 24/7, as needed. Oh, and the days you work might be flexible too because now that they didn't work last night, they may add an extra night tomorrow night. I can sense that this is going to be lots and lots of fun. That is if you totally like living with an uncertain fate. :)

But there are perks too. Yes, I can hear my Dad in my head, "Like a paycheck". Yes Dad. But also time...Today, Arvin got to come along on Norah's class field trip to the High School's Agricultural Fair. It was lots of fun and great that he got to be there and share the memories. We were assigned the sweetest, best behaved and most lovely foursome of little girls in the class (God Bless that teacher!) and we didn't lose a single one! We watched log bucking, archery, and fishing, and got to pet cows and horses and bunnies, and we got to look at pigs and sheep and all sorts of critters. I was impressed by the high school students running the demonstrations. They were very smart, kind, prepared, and knowledgeable. Their parents and teachers must be very proud.

I had an eye exam today and Arvin was also able to be home to watch Norah while I went to do that. I have taken her along with me to that appointment several times before, and it's very do-able, but not particularly easy for either her or me. So it was a blessing that she got to stay home and play while I took care of that.

A recipe called "Loaded Potato Chowder" and whole grain rolls were for dinner tonight and when it was time to say good-bye, that sinking fog sensation did not roll in...the one that echos "this is too hard". That was good. That was a blessing. But it's relative, "I hate good-byes" did whisper in my brain. Why did that pop in? He was just going to work, that happens all the time. And I remembered that little bit of myself, from way back, and why it is that I flinch at good-byes, why I hate watching the last episode of anything, why I cried even when I left a job that I really wanted to leave...When I was a little kid, I packed and moved a lot. And having stability really meant a lot to me then and obviously still does today. So sometimes even packing for a much anticipated vacation or saying "Have a good day at work honey", gives me butterflies. But only sometimes. God has done quite a healing work in my life in that area and will be faithful to complete it.

I didn't come across a Scripture verse today that seemed to just pop out out "nowhere" and soothe my mental hiccup. So I will offer instead one of my favorites, one of many, that reminds me of my husband as he works tonight on the highway:

"Go out! Prepare the highway for my people to return! Smooth out the road; pull out the boulders; raise flag for all nations to see."

Isaiah 62:10 (NLT)

Amen!

Night Interrupted

DAY THREE


So yesterday, the sleeping was spotty. Sleepin' around 10:00, up by Noon, snoozed again 'till 2-ish then up for the rest of the day. So I knew, fatigue-wise that there is a storm comin'! ;) But the neat thing was Norah's reaction when she came home to find Daddy home and awake. She yelled, "Daddy!!!!" and JUMPED into his arms and pretty much spent the rest of the afternoon playing with him. Arvin is a really, exceptionally excellent father. He likes to play with the kids where I am more of a set it up, give them what they need and just make sure no one gets hurt, sort of parent.

Arvin helped me make dinner. This time it was good old bacon and eggs. Sometimes breakfast for dinner just hits the spot. He did the bacon, I did the eggs...I am told I flip them better...but how is it that I make everyone else's yokes turn out perfect while my own always pop? Then Arvin also helped out by giving Norah a bath. Like I said, pretty much a perfect parent. What am I here for anyway? Vacuuming and laundry services, evidently. ;) The afternoon was pretty much great and soon it was time for him to leave for work. Well fed and smellin' clean, we wished him a good night.

And then that feeling rolled in like the fog.
That "this is hard" fog.
That "I don't wanna live like a single parent" feeling.
It was a sort of a mini ripple of panicky feeling that you get just before you do something that you are not super ready to do. One quick gulp of air before dunking your head under water.

Lots of doubts crept in. I know in my heart that IF i had to do it all myself, that God would step in and give me everything I needed to get the job done. I would be sufficient in Him. He's made me strong and resourceful and full of joy and blessed me with many strong people in my life. I've had stretches where Arvin worked super long hours and all the best in me rose to the surface and I was able to hold down the fort at home. But it was lonely, hard work. And ironically, when he returned it took adjustment because I'd become accustomed to being independent. I don't know how the wives of our service men do it. God bless them. I have only sampled that dynamic and they have my respect.

And part of me feels guilty during those long-away times when I have to ask more of our son. "Can you get that ____?" "Would you help your sister _____?" "Could you please _____?" I know that he's older and it is actually for his benefit to learn to do more and more things not only for himself but to bless others as well. We are part of a family and each member does their part. But I am insecure in this area because I grew up with a mother who asked a lot of us as children, and I overcompensate by asking comparatively little of my own kids. Balance. I want to learn to keep it in balance.

Well, bedtimes for the kids went pretty well. Norah only got up once to ask for a blanket that she had wadded up and stuffed inside the oven of her play kitchen. Yea, she's odd like that. Thomas and I watched TV for awhile and then I sent him to bed around 9:00. I washed my face and went to bed, expecting a call from Arvin before I fell asleep. He said he'd try to call around 10:00. He must've been busy because the call never came.

But that was okay because the night was punctuated by other events. In between my odd dreams about Steven Tyler complaining to me about the American Idol set, both of my kids had their chance at waking me up. I was tossing and turning around midnight, when I heard music coming from my son's room. You know how just the slightest sounds seem so amplified in the calm and still of the night. It was country music. Garth Brooks to be exact. And I realized, Thomas was singing along! As my brain tuned in I realized he was actually belting out the words! "If tomorrow never comes............"! Oh good Lord. No wonder this child is so difficult to wake up in the morning! So I got up and knocked on is door. The singing halts. "Um, hey, Midnight Cowboy, can ya please turn down the music and go to sleep?" No reply. If tomorrow never comes? It already was tomorrow and he was crowin' about it! :)

Back to bed and to see what more Steven Tyler might have to say. Never did find out because and hour later Norah screams, "MOMMY! MOMMY! HELLLLLP! MOOOOOOOOOOOMY!!!!" in that blood-curdling, awful, shriek in the middle of the night that just gets a parent's heart thumpin'. So I FLY down the hall praying "Oh good Lord, is she okay? What's wrong?!?!?!?!"

The problem?

She couldn't find the right button on her radio.

What is it with these kids and their nocturnal audio entertainment?! What are we running here, a recording studio?!

Of course, as soon as I was in her room, "Oops, I found it." as the music was playing.

"Norah, don't you ever scream at me like that in the middle of the night again unless something is seriously wrong!"

I can be very unedited at night.


And after what seemed like two blinks of an eye it was 6:00 AM and the man of my dreams was trying to crawl into bed. "What are you doing?!", I said. "It's time to get up and get the kids off to school!" :) And he did help. The coffee fairy had come, the lunch fairy had come, even the Cream of Wheat Fairy appeared, which is very rare and wonderful because mom usually resorts to whatever we can fit in the toaster or cold cereal. Then we took the little musical savants to school so their teachers can try to stuff as much information as they can into those little brains in six hours. Arvin returned to bed around 8:30 and has been in there since. The storm came and he is rolling with it. :)

I had a coffee visit with Denise this morning and then went off to work in Norah's class today right after that so I didn't have that usual time to get into the Word before the day got going. But I just opened my Bible and found this:

"We also pray that you will be strengthened with his glorious power so that you will have all the patience and endurance you need. May you be filled with joy, always thanking the Father, who has enabled you to share the inheritance that belongs to God's holy people, who live in the light."

Colossians 1:11-12 (NLT)

A timely word indeed! Thank you Father for fortifying me with YOUR power so that I will have all the patience and endurance I need to be a good mom and an excellent wife. And in the process, you have blessed me with joy and and a thankful heart. I love my life. I love living in the light. Even when some of us do our best work at night. ;)

So far, so good. . .

DAY TWO

So far, so good. Kiddos went to bed just fine and hubby called me at about 10:15 P.M. to say good night. Which was probably a good thing because I had allowed myself to get sucked into a very strange show on T.V. and the distraction was a good thing. ;) There is just really bizarre stuff on television! Anyway, sometime around 4:00 A.M. I was awoken by a strange man climbing into bed with me. I said, "Hi". He said, "Hi". And that was that! My alarm went off at 6:00 A.M. and I did my usual hopeful routine of getting dressed directly into my work out clothes so that I am more inclined to get them sweaty after taking the kiddos to school. Stumbled down the hall and my nose told me that the Coffee Fairy did indeed deliver, as promised, thanktheLord! ;) I wasn't certain my man of the night would make it out of the clutches of the blankets, so I started the process of assembling the school lunches that my kids probably won't eat, but we gotta at least try. Sipping my coffee, gathering ingredients, I had most of the bits & pieces out when he made his appearance. So I let him make the sandwiches and came over here to my desk to read a bit of the Word.
I love the apostle Paul. Sometimes he ties my brain up in knots and when I meet him I am going to have lots and lots of questions for him. But today he had left these words for me,

"Always be full of joy in the Lord. I say it again--rejoice! Let everyone see that you are considerate in all you do. Remember, the Lord is coming soon. Don't worry about anything; instead pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. If you do this, you will experience God's peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. And now, dear brothers and sisters, let me say one more thing as I close this letter. Fix your thoughts on what is true and honorable and right. Think about things that are pure and lovely and admirable. Think things that are excellent and worthy of praise."

Philippians 4:4-8 (NLT)

Thanks Paul. Thank you Lord. I sure needed that.

So we tag-team the morning, which is different for me because I'm used to getting the kids out the door on my own, but it's nice to share this part of the routine with Arvin. Thomas was excited today because he was going to surprise a friend with a very neat birthday gift. I love that he was excited about giving. It is one of the biggest thrills of my life too. Norah had peanut butter on her cheeks that I had to do that "mom thing" and lick my thumb and wipe it off before we walked her to her class. She has a substitute teacher today. But I know this lady and she is very nice and I know the kids will have a great day.

After coming home, Arvin got on his work computer a bit and made a couple of phone calls. I kinda tensed up a bit because this is where lines get blurred. With work, there seems to be few boundaries with Arvin. Over the years I have been very frustrated with how much of his time, how much of himself, that Arvin gives away. "When are you ever just "off work"? When are you simply "not available"? Are you on call 24/7?" I would ask. Again, I thought of what God had to say to me through Paul today....think on the excellent, praiseworthy things. THANK GOD for what He has done and He WILL give you peace! Sigh.....deep breath. Okay, Lord. I will chill out. This time. ;)

A bit later, Arvin asked if I wanted to go jogging with him. I groaned. I was having a hard time with the idea of even exercising at all, contemplating just letting my workout clothes remain April fresh. So he took our two obnoxious Labs out for a run, which they appreciated wholly. Meanwhile, I put away laundry, vacuumed and finally decided to MOVE a bit and put in a Pilates Walk exercise DVD that I had not done on a long time. It was good to move in a different way that I have been usually. It was not as challenging as my usual workouts, but I modified it a bit and got a good sweat in which I am proud of.

Sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and do what you don't want to do.

Arvin returned from his run and showered and then later around 10:00, I tucked him in with a season of our favorite T.V. show "Everybody Loves Raymond" on DVD so it could be just like "nighttime" and closed the blinds and left him alone. He's in there snoozing with the dogs again. :) I forgot to ask if he wanted me to wake him up! Whoops! Guess if he's not up by 5 or 5:30, I will go see if one of the dogs smothered him or what.....

So far, so good.....