Gifts

My birthday is tomorrow and Thanksgiving Day is two days after that with Christmas just around the corner. Our church had our annual Thanksgiving service this past Sunday. It is a special time of giving thanks to God with special music and opportunities for the church family to stand up and share with everyone about what they are grateful to God for. The kids stay in the service and sit with their parents and it is such a wonderful family time; taking stock of all God has done in one another's lives, sharing mutual joy and blessings. You cannot sit in this service and remain unaffected by the wondrous works of the Lord. It's all for His glory and His purposes are evident as we corporately celebrate His hand in our lives. We'd sing a few songs about how good God is and then intermittently, there'd be chances for everyone to stand up and share if they'd like. I kept thinking of what I was most thankful for this year and realized that if I stood up to speak, I'd just dissolve into a puddle of tears and no one would get much of what I had to say. Thank God for the written word! At least right now, I can take out these thoughts and share them because I want God to get all the credit for His hand in my life. This is what I wanted to share:
The day before, Saturday, with my birthday looming and Christmas too, my dear husband was doing his best husbandly find-out-what-she-wants reconnaissance mission. He said, "BESIDES jewelry ('cuz he knows I love jewelery) what do you want? What is something that you'd like?" I said, "Well, I've already told you what I want for my birthday. I gave you that list. I had new hand weights, a new workout DVD...." He explained that that was nice but he wanted to know what would really tickle me. I said, "Like a fantasy gift? I mean, not like a hot tub or expensive car or vacation, but a really neat gift?" "Yes," he said. Hmmmmm..........it actually took some priming of the mental pump, but soon the ideas were flowing. I rattled off a bunch of pure girly, in my heart of hearts delights: a new Amplified Bible in leather, getting my nails done, pedicures, facials, eyebrow waxing...well, ANYTHING in the salon, a gym membership, just about anything from my favorite make-up line, and even a fancy, expensive designer handbag. Okay, besides the Bible, I realize these are all pretty obnoxious, unnecessary and expensive indulgences. But he asked! They are all things that I admit, I'd LIKE to have, that I'd be thrilled to receive and would enjoy immensely! But the reality is, I don't need them and in fact, have put aside even the dream of many of these.
As I was daydreaming, I looked over on the kitchen counter. My Gramma had sent me a package that day stuffed full of memories she'd collected over the years; newspaper articles, old church bulletins and such. Included was a copy of an essay I had written when I was in Jr. High. It was about some things I'd been through. It was to be on the subject of "My Proudest Moment" and I had written about how my mom went back to college and I was left to take care of my two younger brothers most nights after school. I had to forgo many things like after school sports and time with friends so that I could be home to make dinners and give baths and help with homework and tuck the boys into bed. I had written that I was proud of my mom and that the sacrifice was worth it. In many ways, it was true. But with time comes perspective and I could see that while I wouldn't trade my testimony for anything, while I know hard times in life help make us stronger, what I saw now on that paper was a Good Girl who was hiding her Angry. I am not angry anymore, but in my healing journey, I did have to take a time to admit that I had been. God has taken the anger and the pain and given me a new heart and I am so grateful.
I am so grateful that I have the privilege of being a hands-on mom to my kids. I want to give them something they will probably take for granted, something they may never understand, and that is me. The truth is, I probably should go get a job. We need the money. It sure would be nice. Sometimes, when it's bill paying time especially, and I see the stress settle on my husband's shoulders, my stomach aches and I just want to run and hide. In this day and age, you almost do have to have both parents working full time just to pay the basic bills. Prices keep climbing, everything costs more and saving money for a rainy day seems like a fond memory because TODAY is the rainy day!
Then I think about what it would look like for me to go to work. I would have to negotiate my motherhood. I would have to farm it out to someone else. I would have to find childcare for my kids or sign them up for after school programs where they'd be given snacks and helped with homework and be entertained with activities while I worked. When they got sick, I would have to figure something out because they couldn't go to school or day care. When school had holidays or minimum days, which they do almost constantly, I would have to figure something else out then too. Not to mention summertime where I would need to figure out somewhere for my kids to go whole days a a time. Forget lazy days of Summer. They would have to give up sleeping in, "pajama days", play-dates, trips to the swimming hole, and just hanging out in their own backyard. Thomas would probably have to take on many of the same activities I did when I was his age, taking on responsibility for his little sister more and more. Mealtimes would be rushed and late and probably expensive and unhealthy because I wouldn't have time to cook. Our house would be even MORE of a mess than it normally is. Bedtimes would be later. Evenings would be rushed, not restful. All the housework would be consolidated into one of my days off, not to mention appointments like doctors and dentists and errands like grocery shopping or oil changes. Exercise would be a faint memory. No more volunteering in the kids' classes. No more using my God-given gifts in daytime Bible studies. I would become spiritually and emotionally stagnant. My husband would come home to a very different wife because I would be stressed and cranky and exhausted, insufficient, insecure and guilty, guilty, guilty! I know, because I've done it! (And I express my deepest, utmost respect, love, admiration and support of those who do it! I am so proud and in awe of you!)
So there we were in the kitchen together, cleaning it up, and Arvin's asking me what I want for a fantasy birthday gift, and I see that essay, and I stop dead in my tracks and shake my head and point to that paper and say,

"I want you to know that I would give it all up. I would give up every single thing I have now or ever hope to have, every nice thing, every real thing, every possible fantasy to do what I am doing right now. I want to give my kids this life I couldn't have. I want to be here for them. And I know it's hard right now and you carry so much burden on your shoulders and I want you to know right now how very much I appreciate you making this life possible for us. I know it's not easy. I know we could use the extra money. But there is nothing in life that is more precious to me right now than doing exactly what we are doing right now. I just want you to know I appreciate you and what you do and I don't need or want another thing in this life."

I guess I don't say those things enough because out came the waterworks and Arvin was hugging me and "Shhhh"ing me, trying to soothe me, but I kept trying to convince him I was not upset, didn't really need soothing, wasn't hurting, but just wanted him to understand how much he means to me, how much I appreciate him taking the financial burden for our family. I just needed to tell him, that I don't need a thing. I couldn't possibly even dream of asking for anything. He'd already given more than enough.
It's hard to explain, but it goes so much deeper than the standard "mom's/wife's" reply of, "Oh honey, I don't need a single thing for my birthday. Just knowing you love me is more than enough." No, it's this heart wrenching, gut-level realization of where your life and breath come from. A final acknowledgement of what's really important. Gratitude in the genesis of your destiny. It goes beyond ones occupation to the realization that yes, I CAN do "all things" and remembering that it is "through Christ who gives me strength". It's saying, "I know I live and move and have my being....BECAUSE OF YOU!"
I am thankful this Thanksgiving for my husband, yes. For his God-given ability to provide for us. For his love and blessing and understanding and support, and hugs, and "shush"ing me in the kitchen and for the burden he carries everyday. And I am especially thankful for every good gift from above too. For comforts both big and small. What do I want for my birthday? For Christmas? What do I need? Nothing more. I am content. Satisfied. In Christ.


Philippians 3:7-9 (NIV) puts it this way:

"But whatever was to my profit I know consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ--the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith."