What Do I Know?

"Now go and learn the meaning of this Scripture: 'I want you to be merciful; I don't want your sacrifices.'  For I have come to call sinners, not those who think they are already good enough."

Matthew 9:13 (NLT) 

     We belong to an awesome home group.  Or small group.  Or whatever it is you call it.  We love God and love each other and we get together regularly and eat.  And talk.  And Lord knows, get me talking long enough and I'm gonna say something I probably should not.  The beautiful thing about this group of people is that they have, way more than once, allowed me to live and learn without rejecting me for my unguarded 'tudes.  They are merciful.  And oh, how I desire mercy!  

     One night with our little home group, I was going on about some honest feelings I'd had.  It was basically that I had a problem when someone new comes to our church and is put into ministry or leadership relatively quickly.  I know there is a Scripture about not putting NEW believers into leadership too soon, but I shared how I felt nervous even when long-time believers come to our church and sometimes are quickly (in my perception) plugged-in to service or leadership.  My feeling was, "Wait, wait, wait!  Wooooah!  Hold on a second!  You just got here!  Let us get to know you, build relationship with you, love on you.  Maybe you need to rest a minute before you roll up your sleeves and jump in.  Maybe you have issues our wounds from your previous church that need heeling.  Maybe you need to heal or just BE for awhile."  And what I was also thinking but didn't say was, "Maybe I don't know you and I'm afraid of you and I don't trust you and it's gonna take me awhile to get there."  Basically, it was the fear of the unknown fueled by pride.  

     My wonderful home group, merciful bunch that they are, let me say what I had to say and we moved on to other topics and had a lovely evening.  Then this morning, weeeeeeeks after my little opinion-sharing session with our friends, Jesus took me on a walk to a dusty, crowded street in Israel and showed me how very much I'd better be desiring His mercy.  

     He showed me Matthew, chapter 9, verses 9-13.  The calling of Matthew.  Matthew!  The dreaded tax-collector!  And the Lord let me be in the sandals of one of his disciples that day, standing in the back of the pack, watching this happen.  Now, at this point, this far in the story (it's already chapter 9 for goodness' sake!), Jesus has been walking around for awhile now, preaching, teaching, healing, raising people from the dead, all kinds of stuff!  And he's already called a few special people out of the crowd to be his disciples.  I flipped back a few pages in my Bible and noted that He already called out Peter, Andrew, James and John. Now, they'd been with the Lord while He was doing His walking, preaching, teaching, healing, raising dead to life, oh and calming a storm too.  They were in on it.  They were witnesses to it.  They were in the club!  They were s-p-e-c-i-a-l.  And they are going on their way with Jesus, feelin' all special, official membership badges proudly displayed on their chests, card punched, team uniform all shiny, when the Lord stops in His tracks and calls out. . .Matthew.  "Be My disciple [side with My party and follow Me]." (vs. 9, Amplified)  

     Ew.  Matthew.  But Lord, we've been here the whole time.  We're enough right?  Surely we don't need him, do we?  Right?  Lord?  Um....hello???  

     The Pharisees (of which, I imagine I would have been in that club too if I lived then...and was a man...but that's beside the point...) even asked the disciples, "Why does your teacher eat with such scum?"  (NLT)  Ugh.  Good question!  

      "When he heard this, Jesus replied, 'Healthy people don't need a doctor--sick people do.'  Then he added, 'Now go and learn the meaning of this Scripture: 'I want you to be merciful; I don't want your sacrifices.'  For I have come to call sinners, not those who think they are already good enough."  (Matthew 9:12, NLT)

     Oh.

     That's the punchline.  Mercy.  I need it.  'Cuz I need a doctor.  He came to call me because I too, am a sinner.  I'm not, in my own power, "good enough".  I'm not--and never really was--in the "special club". . .that is, not without Him.  And how dare I balk at Him calling another.  Mercy.  

     And then I glanced at the top corner of the page of my Bible and there I see it.  The author's name.  Matthew.  Whoops.  I forgot.  I was reading his book.  These were Matthew's words. This was his account of walking this earth with Jesus.  And I had just about wanted to write him outta his own story.  If I had been there, I wouldn't have voted to let him in the club!  That would have changed everything.   If it had been up to me, that would have effectively snipped the whole book of Matthew right outta the pages of history.  Well.  Huh. Hm. 

     What do I know?  

     Apparently, not a whole lot.  

     Apparently I, like the Pharisees, need to go learn the meaning of Hosea 6:6, "I want you to be merciful; I don't want your sacrifices.  I want you to know God; that's more important than burnt offerings."  (NLT)

     Apparently, I need to remember what Jesus said in John 21..."...what's that to you?  You follow me."  

     Apparently, I need to mind my own beeswax.  

     Apparently, I need to be merciful.

     Apparently, I need to take off my god-hat and quit trying to decide who's in the club.  

     Apparently, I need to trust God.

     Because He just wants me to know Him.  

     Mercy!