Night Interrupted

DAY THREE


So yesterday, the sleeping was spotty. Sleepin' around 10:00, up by Noon, snoozed again 'till 2-ish then up for the rest of the day. So I knew, fatigue-wise that there is a storm comin'! ;) But the neat thing was Norah's reaction when she came home to find Daddy home and awake. She yelled, "Daddy!!!!" and JUMPED into his arms and pretty much spent the rest of the afternoon playing with him. Arvin is a really, exceptionally excellent father. He likes to play with the kids where I am more of a set it up, give them what they need and just make sure no one gets hurt, sort of parent.

Arvin helped me make dinner. This time it was good old bacon and eggs. Sometimes breakfast for dinner just hits the spot. He did the bacon, I did the eggs...I am told I flip them better...but how is it that I make everyone else's yokes turn out perfect while my own always pop? Then Arvin also helped out by giving Norah a bath. Like I said, pretty much a perfect parent. What am I here for anyway? Vacuuming and laundry services, evidently. ;) The afternoon was pretty much great and soon it was time for him to leave for work. Well fed and smellin' clean, we wished him a good night.

And then that feeling rolled in like the fog.
That "this is hard" fog.
That "I don't wanna live like a single parent" feeling.
It was a sort of a mini ripple of panicky feeling that you get just before you do something that you are not super ready to do. One quick gulp of air before dunking your head under water.

Lots of doubts crept in. I know in my heart that IF i had to do it all myself, that God would step in and give me everything I needed to get the job done. I would be sufficient in Him. He's made me strong and resourceful and full of joy and blessed me with many strong people in my life. I've had stretches where Arvin worked super long hours and all the best in me rose to the surface and I was able to hold down the fort at home. But it was lonely, hard work. And ironically, when he returned it took adjustment because I'd become accustomed to being independent. I don't know how the wives of our service men do it. God bless them. I have only sampled that dynamic and they have my respect.

And part of me feels guilty during those long-away times when I have to ask more of our son. "Can you get that ____?" "Would you help your sister _____?" "Could you please _____?" I know that he's older and it is actually for his benefit to learn to do more and more things not only for himself but to bless others as well. We are part of a family and each member does their part. But I am insecure in this area because I grew up with a mother who asked a lot of us as children, and I overcompensate by asking comparatively little of my own kids. Balance. I want to learn to keep it in balance.

Well, bedtimes for the kids went pretty well. Norah only got up once to ask for a blanket that she had wadded up and stuffed inside the oven of her play kitchen. Yea, she's odd like that. Thomas and I watched TV for awhile and then I sent him to bed around 9:00. I washed my face and went to bed, expecting a call from Arvin before I fell asleep. He said he'd try to call around 10:00. He must've been busy because the call never came.

But that was okay because the night was punctuated by other events. In between my odd dreams about Steven Tyler complaining to me about the American Idol set, both of my kids had their chance at waking me up. I was tossing and turning around midnight, when I heard music coming from my son's room. You know how just the slightest sounds seem so amplified in the calm and still of the night. It was country music. Garth Brooks to be exact. And I realized, Thomas was singing along! As my brain tuned in I realized he was actually belting out the words! "If tomorrow never comes............"! Oh good Lord. No wonder this child is so difficult to wake up in the morning! So I got up and knocked on is door. The singing halts. "Um, hey, Midnight Cowboy, can ya please turn down the music and go to sleep?" No reply. If tomorrow never comes? It already was tomorrow and he was crowin' about it! :)

Back to bed and to see what more Steven Tyler might have to say. Never did find out because and hour later Norah screams, "MOMMY! MOMMY! HELLLLLP! MOOOOOOOOOOOMY!!!!" in that blood-curdling, awful, shriek in the middle of the night that just gets a parent's heart thumpin'. So I FLY down the hall praying "Oh good Lord, is she okay? What's wrong?!?!?!?!"

The problem?

She couldn't find the right button on her radio.

What is it with these kids and their nocturnal audio entertainment?! What are we running here, a recording studio?!

Of course, as soon as I was in her room, "Oops, I found it." as the music was playing.

"Norah, don't you ever scream at me like that in the middle of the night again unless something is seriously wrong!"

I can be very unedited at night.


And after what seemed like two blinks of an eye it was 6:00 AM and the man of my dreams was trying to crawl into bed. "What are you doing?!", I said. "It's time to get up and get the kids off to school!" :) And he did help. The coffee fairy had come, the lunch fairy had come, even the Cream of Wheat Fairy appeared, which is very rare and wonderful because mom usually resorts to whatever we can fit in the toaster or cold cereal. Then we took the little musical savants to school so their teachers can try to stuff as much information as they can into those little brains in six hours. Arvin returned to bed around 8:30 and has been in there since. The storm came and he is rolling with it. :)

I had a coffee visit with Denise this morning and then went off to work in Norah's class today right after that so I didn't have that usual time to get into the Word before the day got going. But I just opened my Bible and found this:

"We also pray that you will be strengthened with his glorious power so that you will have all the patience and endurance you need. May you be filled with joy, always thanking the Father, who has enabled you to share the inheritance that belongs to God's holy people, who live in the light."

Colossians 1:11-12 (NLT)

A timely word indeed! Thank you Father for fortifying me with YOUR power so that I will have all the patience and endurance I need to be a good mom and an excellent wife. And in the process, you have blessed me with joy and and a thankful heart. I love my life. I love living in the light. Even when some of us do our best work at night. ;)

So far, so good. . .

DAY TWO

So far, so good. Kiddos went to bed just fine and hubby called me at about 10:15 P.M. to say good night. Which was probably a good thing because I had allowed myself to get sucked into a very strange show on T.V. and the distraction was a good thing. ;) There is just really bizarre stuff on television! Anyway, sometime around 4:00 A.M. I was awoken by a strange man climbing into bed with me. I said, "Hi". He said, "Hi". And that was that! My alarm went off at 6:00 A.M. and I did my usual hopeful routine of getting dressed directly into my work out clothes so that I am more inclined to get them sweaty after taking the kiddos to school. Stumbled down the hall and my nose told me that the Coffee Fairy did indeed deliver, as promised, thanktheLord! ;) I wasn't certain my man of the night would make it out of the clutches of the blankets, so I started the process of assembling the school lunches that my kids probably won't eat, but we gotta at least try. Sipping my coffee, gathering ingredients, I had most of the bits & pieces out when he made his appearance. So I let him make the sandwiches and came over here to my desk to read a bit of the Word.
I love the apostle Paul. Sometimes he ties my brain up in knots and when I meet him I am going to have lots and lots of questions for him. But today he had left these words for me,

"Always be full of joy in the Lord. I say it again--rejoice! Let everyone see that you are considerate in all you do. Remember, the Lord is coming soon. Don't worry about anything; instead pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. If you do this, you will experience God's peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. And now, dear brothers and sisters, let me say one more thing as I close this letter. Fix your thoughts on what is true and honorable and right. Think about things that are pure and lovely and admirable. Think things that are excellent and worthy of praise."

Philippians 4:4-8 (NLT)

Thanks Paul. Thank you Lord. I sure needed that.

So we tag-team the morning, which is different for me because I'm used to getting the kids out the door on my own, but it's nice to share this part of the routine with Arvin. Thomas was excited today because he was going to surprise a friend with a very neat birthday gift. I love that he was excited about giving. It is one of the biggest thrills of my life too. Norah had peanut butter on her cheeks that I had to do that "mom thing" and lick my thumb and wipe it off before we walked her to her class. She has a substitute teacher today. But I know this lady and she is very nice and I know the kids will have a great day.

After coming home, Arvin got on his work computer a bit and made a couple of phone calls. I kinda tensed up a bit because this is where lines get blurred. With work, there seems to be few boundaries with Arvin. Over the years I have been very frustrated with how much of his time, how much of himself, that Arvin gives away. "When are you ever just "off work"? When are you simply "not available"? Are you on call 24/7?" I would ask. Again, I thought of what God had to say to me through Paul today....think on the excellent, praiseworthy things. THANK GOD for what He has done and He WILL give you peace! Sigh.....deep breath. Okay, Lord. I will chill out. This time. ;)

A bit later, Arvin asked if I wanted to go jogging with him. I groaned. I was having a hard time with the idea of even exercising at all, contemplating just letting my workout clothes remain April fresh. So he took our two obnoxious Labs out for a run, which they appreciated wholly. Meanwhile, I put away laundry, vacuumed and finally decided to MOVE a bit and put in a Pilates Walk exercise DVD that I had not done on a long time. It was good to move in a different way that I have been usually. It was not as challenging as my usual workouts, but I modified it a bit and got a good sweat in which I am proud of.

Sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and do what you don't want to do.

Arvin returned from his run and showered and then later around 10:00, I tucked him in with a season of our favorite T.V. show "Everybody Loves Raymond" on DVD so it could be just like "nighttime" and closed the blinds and left him alone. He's in there snoozing with the dogs again. :) I forgot to ask if he wanted me to wake him up! Whoops! Guess if he's not up by 5 or 5:30, I will go see if one of the dogs smothered him or what.....

So far, so good.....

An Experiment in Nocturnal Life

Today begins a new phase in our family's life. I thank God that it is a temporary one. It's long-term-ish, but temporary nonetheless, which is helping me be optimistic about this. My husband is going to work the night shift for about six months. It is going to be quite a change to our family routine and rhytms. We are expecting this schedule to have lots of plusses and minuses. I am guessing that after a couple of weeks of this, we will fall into a routine that fits and we will all better understand what is expected of us, who does what, when and at what time and how loudly! I am hoping that it will become a comfortable second nature and that we learn to lean more on the plusses than the minuses of this schedule. Today at church, our Pastor was speaking about using the gifts that God gives to each one of us. He was teaching about how some of us see our gifts as limited, but that doesn't matter to God. We are to use what we have. I generally struggle with WHAT to write about in this blog so a few minutes ago, I decided to be inspired by Pastor David and use this blog to exercises the muscles of God's writing gift to me by chronicling what this journey will entail for us as a family. Pastor David said that if you don't use it you'll loose it! So here we go!

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DAY ONE

This morning, I was thinking about how the Jewish calendar goes from sundown to sundown. That's it, right? I'm not certain. Please correct me if I'm wrong. But I do know that they consider each day to begin at sundown the day before. So tonight, when my husband goes off to work at 6:30 P.M., he's kinda heading off in a Hebrew sort of direction then, huh? :) Knowing that God is on duty both day and night, I am sure he will be Master over my husband's work days.

Arvin went to sleep about 2:15 today to get just three hours' nap in before getting up. He'll be exhausted tomorrow, but we expect this. My friend, Denise, who's wonderful husband, Greg, is a police officer, told me to expect Arvin to be very, very tired. Fact is though, fatigue has been a constant state of life for Arvin for well, forever. I believe it is a combination of factors for him. Number one, he works HARD. No matter where. No matter what. He expends a LOT of energy. Number two, I don't think he gets very restful sleep because he suffers from allergies, and may have a deviated septum or sleep apnea (just call me Dr. Kiki because I have diagnosed this so perfectly! Ha!). But what I have seen over almost 16 years of marriage is that we can sleep the same amount of hours and he always is more tired than I am. I do not think he gets good rest because he cannot breathe. Then there's the thyroid issues. Another of life's yo-yo's! So anyway, all that to say that I will be very curious about if this night shift will really change much at all for him in the tired department. It MAY, but it may not. We shall see.

Over the last five years, or so, we have encountered a variety of challenging work shifts. I can remember 12, 18 and 24 hour work days. We've packed him bags of changes of clothes and coolers full of sandwiches because we didn't know when or if he'd be able to come home. For his most extensive project, for three years, he commuted and hour and a half one way just to get to his job site, work one of his 8, 10, 12 hour days, then commute back home. And don't ever tell me that all government workers are slackers, because every minute of that drive he was on his speaker phone, working. Often when he was home, too. Believe me, the state has got it's money's worth in this man.

He's worked on a lot of projects that have been in isolated areas. One time a HUGE bolder had fallen off a mountainside and landed smack in the middle of a narrow, two-lane highway that was the only outlet for a small community. Without this road, they were cut off from the world, removed from their only source of food and fuel. He traveled probably and hour and a half to that site as well to begin the work of restoring the road for that community. As he's snoring away in the other room, I reflect back and am incredibly proud of him.

When the opportunity came up for him to take this current job, one of the benefits in his mind was the fact that this job is local. It's right in our own town. He's really happy for this chance to give back to his own neighborhood after so many years of working so far from home. He's also doing a bit of a different twist on his usual work by adding new skills to his repertoire. He will be learning how it is to work in a more urban environment, having to consider all the factors of utilities, municipalities, business's' needs, and different traffic control. Arvin is looking forward to learning as he goes. He is that rare rolling stone that actually gathers lots and lots of moss. He doesn't just punch in and punch out, he gathers, gleans, and internalizes information at an amazing rate. He's the perfect guy to be doing this job. Well, any job.

Personally, he is excited that he will not have such a long commute to work and he expects that despite the nocturnal hours, he will actually have MORE time to spend at home, with family, where his heart truly resides. His PLAN is to come home by 6:30 A.M. and make lunch for the kids (as he usually does) and to wake them up, get them ready and take them to school! Well! We shall see! Like I said, we'll have to learn what routine works best as we go. That would be great and all, but I have seen waaaaaaay too many days where he is late coming home from work and while that is one thing in the evenings, it would be disastrous if I was snoozing away and he wasn't home to get the kids off to school. So for now, we have agreed that I will get up at my regular time and see how it goes. Of course, this is with the caveat that he will still set the coffee pot so that the Coffee Fairy has my brew all ready for me when I stumble down the hall! :) Yes, I am high maintenance, and I know it. He's cool with that or he wouldn't still be sticking around.

Anyway, my hopes here in this bloggy is to kinda journal each day how it's going, what we're learning, and how this season affects us and those we love. A little bit ago, I was feeling a bit unsure. Our son was off at a friends house and our daughter was playing in her room and Arvin was sleeping I was alone and wondering what have we gotten ourselves into???? Is this gonna be okay? WILL it work out???? I was kinda mini-panicky, with all these unknowns swirling in my brain. What if I need to get something out of my room?! Which, of course, I needed to do--I had to do laundry and the hamper was in there....so I tip-toe in....and he's snoozing away, with the blinds fully open (Who does that?!), with the DOG on the bed with him! Sheesh! I turn my back for one minute and he's got another girl in the bed! ;) Anyway, he just got up...a half hour earlier than he was supposed to! Now it's time to make dinner and wish him a good day at work! Stay tuned for scenes from the next episode of As the Time Clock Ticks!

Royal Reality

At a recent family dinner, the topic of the upcoming royal wedding came up. The general opinion of a few at the table was, why do people get so excited about this wedding that has nothing to do with us? Why, as Americans, do we even care? What was the big deal after all? And then what really amused me was that some of those with that opinion then offered equally strong opinions about the fact that the royal couple would not be kissing at the end of the wedding ceremony. "That's just wrong!", one person exclaimed. Well, I thought, if you don't care about the wedding why would you care about weather or not they kiss? It is funny how we feel the need to offer our opinions about things that we claim to not care about. I for one, have a different feeling about the wedding. I am actually looking forward to it, grateful for a view into a world completely unlike my daily reality and yet, at the same time, reflecting a very real facet of who I am, who I believe we all are, deep down inside.

Why would the wedding of two people we've never met be such a big deal? What is the fascination? For me, it is this: In this day and age, it is refreshing to behold that there is still nobility in this world. That there are still kings and queens and princes and princesses. And it is not just the literal Royalty I am talking about. It is something special in the heart of the human experience. Set apart. This is not just represented in a certain royal family, but it echos from the lives of every man, woman and child. Every one of us has an influence and a reign. We may not be walking our lives on a world stage, but we purpose our lives with the imprint of our Father, our Maker, The King of Kings.

If our Father is King, then what does that make us?

What makes us special? Why do we celebrate weddings and birthdays and graduations along the way? Why are little girls talked about as princesses and little boys as princes? What is it in the heart of common man that gives us our meaning, our significance, and orchestrates our destiny? I believe it is our innate, God-given, royal identity.

So for that reason, I look forward to this wedding. It matters to me because it is beautiful and special and significant when two people join their hearts in marriage. I wish the couple well, a life full of blessings, the joy of hard work, and a lifetime of happy memories.

I pray that for all of us.

In Defense of E-Communication

I love the written word. Nothing thrills me more than stringing together letters into words and words in to sentences and crafting, shaping, coaxing thoughts out of these symbols. To me, it is pure bliss! Two of the most useful classes I ever had were Vocabulary in Junior High and Keyboarding in High School. Give me words to say and a way to say them and I'm good as gold!Writing is about communicating and communicating is about relationships. Of course, neither is yet perfect, but still we attempt them both. In the relationship between writer and reader, there is the potential for glory or disaster. With words spoken from fingertips, we can encourage or abuse. Hmmm. . .with words spoken from fingertips, is this what we mean by "staying in touch"? Because words, these symbols on paper or on screen, certainly do reach out and touch us, for good or for bad. "Dear Ms. Jones, We are happy to inform you that you have been accepted. . . ." "Dear Mr. Smith, We regret to inform you that the results of your biopsy. . . " "Dear John, . . . . . ." Oh, but I especially love a good letter! There is something lovely and elegant and special about written, personal communication between people. A good portion of our Bible is made up out of letters and it holds a rich well of thoughts and encouragement. The blanks of History are filled in when we look back at letters. We can glean hearts' intent and glimpse into windows of personality through good letters. We can track the journey of a fine romance with our love letters. Or feel the weight of a soldier's homesickness in a letter home. Pages are sprinkled with tears, spritzed with perfume and "Sealed With A Kiss". Our humanity is marked by our words. They are our monuments, milestones, altars of proof to our experience on this earth. Consider our baby books, birth announcements, diplomas, licences, certificates, grocery lists, novels, scripts, lyrics, signs, medical charts, birthday cards, applications, and obituaries. And let's not forget the poetry on the walls of public bathroom stalls! We all want the anonymous others to know that "WE were here." Oh, and behold THE Word:

"In the beginning the Word already existed. He was in God, and he was God. He was in the beginning with God. He created everything there is. Nothing exists that he didn't make."

John 1:1-3 (NLT)

Beautiful.

Words can represent our past, our present and our future. As long as we have relationships, we will need to "use our words". As history has marched by, our vocabulary venues have evolved. This is sometimes, to our great benefit, and sometimes not. I kind chuckle at this though, because we humans are infinitely imperfect but one thing we always seem to be expert in is misunderstanding each other. So no matter or vehicle for written communication, we have great potential for folly.

Here we are in a day and age when the way of "snail mail" is fading and we are emailing, "facebooking", and texting as our main modes of written communication. "Go paperless!", they encourage us. It has its advantages and maybe some disadvantages too. I love to banter via text message as much as the next girl, but one year I received birthday wishes from dear loved ones purely via text and it kind of broke my heart that I was not deemed worthy of an actual, voice to voice phone call. When you have a deep, emotional connection with someone, perhaps consider the investment of your audible, "Hello". It is music to the soul.

There are some times when a personal touch is required. However, this does not mean that the electronic written word is a poor substitution. It can often be quite the perfect matrix for thought, intention, and emotion. For example, I have heard people speak poorly of email and I couldn't disagree more. They say things like "Oh, email is never a good way to communicate." Well, in my perspective, it depends on how we feel about what the writer is communicating. If we agree with them or are reacting positively, then we don't seem to complain about the delivery system. Yet if we disagree or are hurt by what the writer is saying, then we tend to bristle at the electronic format. "They put it in an email! Isn't that terrible?!"

There have been times in my own life where receiving or sending a timely email has been quite a wonderful and uplifting thing. Email has often been a relationship-builder, a sustaining force for personal connection, that I would not have experienced otherwise. I had a grandmother who lived 2,000 miles away from me, but through email we exchanged daily communications and enjoyed a very loving and close relationship. It was great to share the day-to-day little details of life with her. We shared a bond quite beautifully and it was sustained with the nourishment of frequent conversations via email. She's passed away now and I will always be grateful for the bonding we encountered on-screen.

I have stored in my email in-box one note I just don't ever want to delete. It is a note from my Dad that is precious to me. If I ever wondered if he loved me, I could pull up these words:

"Oh my beautiful daughter...I am one blessed Dad. I am so proud of you and the woman/mother/wife you have become. Because of you one day I will close my eyes and go to be with the Lord knowing I did something good to bless the world. Keep up the good work...Love you, Dad"

All

in one

email.

Do you see why I cannot universally discount the value of e-communication?

The blessings flow both ways. One day, I was stirred in my heart to send an email of commitment and appreciation to a dear friend. I thanked her for all her hard work and what a blessing she is to many, many people, what a leader she is and I told how much I consider it a joy to serve along with her. It was full of words that if I had tried to speak them aloud to her, they'd be lost in a jumble of girl-tears. These words needed the time and space and freedom to be typed out. So I gave these sentiments the respect of giving them form and I signed it "Love, Love, Love" and sent it off to her with a click of a mouse. Her reply convinces me that email is a very valid way to touch some one's heart:

"You don't know how timely your email was...the tears are flowing as I'm trying to respond. You are such an encouraging friend...[She went on to share some personal struggles she was going through at that moment that I hadn't even known about at that point.]...Again, thanks for your loving, encouraging words. Love and hugs..."

All in

one

email.

Let us consider text messaging now. As I shared earlier, I experienced a very hallow side of texting that left me a bit jaded. I can understand how the medium may not claim universal fans. Texting can mean a lot of things to a lot of people. To me, it holds the relational significance of say, passing notes in class. There is not a whole lot of meat on those bones. But oh how FUN it is! It's neat to just fire off any and all random thoughts, questions, or ideas to someone wherever you happen to be to wherever they happen to be. It is direct, person to person, real-time communication. It can be, depending on the user, a very discreet way of being in contact with someone and it has its benefits. And for better or for worse, it has a very real presence in modern life. In my personal experience, I find it incredibly great that I have this ability to be just a few taps away from my young adult nieces who live a state away. At any moment, I can send them a quick, "I love you" and they know that I am thinking of them. My husband moans, "Can't you just callll them?!" And I say, "Sure I can, but this is the way kids are communicating these days. So just get with the program, Grandpa!" ;) I don't believe our relationship is any way watered down by texting. It is only enhanced. Like the emails shared with my Gram, it is a way to share daily life and maintain connection, no matter the miles.

There was a time....long, long ago....okay, not so long ago when we didn't have these new-fangled emails and texts and whatnots....when we wrote letters and put stamps on them or ponys ran or stagecoaches pulled or steamer ships steamed or messengers sprinted and delivered the written word. We connected with one another with letters and punctuation and grammar. We expressed what was in our hearts and we described what was in our world. We established or maintained or dissolved relationships with written words. We signed our names on the events of mankind with our written utterances. We scribbled our names on the wall of the bathroom stall of life so others would know that

we

were

here.

I beg that we do not discount these newer modes of communication or the newer newest ones that I am sure to come. No matter the medium, at its best, the heart, the intent is the same. It is to bond and connect. It is to explain and decline. It is to invite into discussion or share a silly joke. It's to communicate. To be human with another human. After all, writing in words is about communication and communication is about relationship.

"Heaven and earth will disappear, but my words will remain forever."

Matthew 24: 35 (NLT)

FAT

One day in a small group setting, the leader asked us. . .


"Fill in the blank. 'If God really loved me, he would ______________.'"







My reply?







"If God really loved me he would fix my body."










I can't believe that God would ask me to write about this now since I am not even close to being "there" yet with this issue. But I felt in my heart that He said to begin to write about this and since this blog is called "Becoming" and it's not called "I'm already there and have it all together and know everything", I will go ahead and be obedient to the Lord and at least start with what I know so far. Oh, but where to begin?! It's such a long and personal and painful story. I suppose I can start with a question that has popped into my mind lately.







That question is: Is there a fundamental difference between people who need to lose "just a few pounds", say 20 or so, compared to those who are facing 60, 70, even a hundred-plus pounds that need to be shed?"







My hypothesis is (and remember hypotheses by definition retain the right to eventually be found wrong!) that yes, there is a very big difference between the two. But wherein lies the difference? Is it physiology? Genetics? Destiny? Did God call this decision long before we were born? Or is it our own attitude? Choice? Sin? Some self-fulfilling prophecy in belief or expectation? Or is it some odd and frustrating combination of all of the above?





How is it that there can be naturally thin people who can seemingly eat annnnything they want and not gain any weight and then there are some who struggle all their lives over weight issues?





Ever see a fat Greyhound?




Me either.




And it just doesn't seem fair to all the Labs of the world.




I have two Labs and I am convinced that if I slit open a 40 lb. bag of kibble and put it on the kitchen floor, those two dogs would consume the entire bag until they were laying belly up like swollen ticks. A well-read dog trainer I shared this with wholeheartedly agreed and told me that in one dog food study she'd read, they decided to take Labrador Retrievers OUT of the experiment because they seemed to posses insatiable and indiscriminate appetites! They could eat anything, anywhere, anytime. I could identify.




I know. We're not dogs. I get that. It's just something I've noticed. And honestly, part of me wonders if God really cares how fat I am or not. I know I am more than a number on a scale. I know that in the grand scheme of things, when we enter into God's glory and the pages of History are closed, that my weight is going to matter very little, even to me. And I know that there are wonderful people in my life right now who see the REAL me and not my struggle with "fatness". In the small group meeting where I'd filled in that blank above about God fixing my body, the response from my friends was overwhelmingly loving and good. In fact, I believe it was in the face of that love that I was able to decide to begin a lasting journey towards greater health, both inside and out. Good things came from that exposing that vulnerability and pain. I guess I am looking for more of that both for myself and for those who read this--to find the good things.




Years ago, my husband and I were teaching a 5 year old boys' Sunday School class. Well, you know how unedited children can be sometimes. . .One boy pointed to my body and said, "My parents say that people should exercise so that THAT doesn't happen to you!"





Deep breath.




A heartbeat.




Then my son, who was a member of the class, chimed in, "Well, maybe everybody else is just too skinny!"




My hero.





He didn't see "fat". He saw Mamma.




And I was grateful.




This child was delivered into the world at the hands of a very gifted and cautious and vigilant doctor who I believe saved his life at his birth. Hers were the first hands that ever touched his body and without her wisdom and swift action, I shudder to wonder if he would not have survived that day. His birth was traumatic and terrifying and as even the doctor herself described some years later, "a blur". Six years later, she delivered our daughter as well, which was a much less stressful event. The most difficult thing was getting the I.V.. My doctor even held my hands when the anesthesiologist did the spinal block. And I recovered beautifully after the delivery and I credit my doctor for so many blessings in these times. She was aces when it came to bringing my babies into the world.




And when the time of baby-making in my life came to a close, things shifted. It seemed to me that to my doctor, I was no longer a woman, I was my weight. It all revolved around my fatness. And no matter what good efforts of my own I had to report they were, in her exact words, "not good enough".




"I'm doing Weight Watchers online."



"Well, that's okay, but it's not good enough. You really should be eating a Mediterranean diet with whole grains, lean proteins....."





"I'm walking four days a week."





"Well, in order to lose weight you really need to be exercising for at least an hour a day, six days a week."





"Really? Because this walking four days a week has been the most I have committed to in my whole life and it fits into my schedule."





"Well, can you work out in the mornings before work?"





"I don't think so. I'm up at six and out the door with my son by seven and have him to daycare by 7:15 and then I have to drive over to the next town and be ready to clock in and work by 7:45. We open at 8 and have to be ready to go."





"Well, can't your boss let you start work a little late so you can work out?"





"Um...no. It doesn't work that way."





And so it went.





My relationship with my doctor began to feel like she was eagerly waiting, even expecting me to fail. To die. She actually seemed disappointed when I got good results on tests...."Well, you are not diabetic....yet." I would leave her office feeling doomed and hopeless. If the best I'd ever done so far was "not good enough", then why bother? Why even try? I honestly would rather die because she wasn't giving me much hope.



I chose to no longer live under that condemnation. I'd played host to hopelessness long enough. I found a new doctor.



Struggling with weight issues has made me look at some pretty tough things in my life. I always wondered why I have this battle in the first place. Despite all the good and wise things that I do, I have uttered the classic, "Why me?". And honestly, I had to admit that part of me was very angry at God. In preparing to write about this, I sat with Psalm 139 open and in my rawest moment I saw that it has the nerve to say, "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." And I thought, "REALLY?! This is YOUR idea, God?! I know you are a good God. I know you love me. I know you redeem our pain and logically I understand that you do not "cause" pain, but in my heart, I am just really really angry at you!"




And I'm tired. Will I have to fight this battle my whole time on earth? Will this always be so hard?





And I'm scared. What if I never make it? What if I never ever get there? What if I give up? What then? What if I fail?





I know I have a choice. I know I chose to try. I know I chose to eat. I know I chose to exercise. But why is the choice so incredibly difficult? Why me?





Why so many of us?





Please understand that I expose my anger at God in this way only because I truly do know that He is big enough and good enough to handle it. He will take this pain and redeem it. I know He will.

"O LORD, I say to you, 'You are my God." Hear, O LORD my cry for mercy. O Sovereign LORD, my strong deliverer, who shields my head in the day of battle--"

Psalm 140: 6-7 (NIV)

Hear my cry for mercy, oh God! I don't understand this pain and I wish God would just deliver me from this, but I'm going to hold on until He makes it all clear. Romans 12:2 says that we are transformed by the renewing of our minds. I ask for that today. A radical transformation.

I would like to think I am ready to make that transformation.

Here's something shocking: I have come to the realization that even before I ever lost a single pound and even if I never lose another pound, I am already, as-is, right this moment, GOOD ENOUGH.

The truth is that being fat stinks.

It is uncomfortable and and unhealthy and unhappy.

But it is NOT the most important thing about me.

There is a lot of good going on and a lot to celebrate. Miracles are happening and the soil is being turned over for great things to be planted and reaped. To date, I have shed 52 lbs. This is a good thing. At the same time, what I fear the most is that if I focus on that too much, I will lose the harvest of the greater work that is going on inside. I have witnessed a food idol be replaced by a fitness idol in someone's life and I don't want that to be me. I believe that God can use the past destruction of my life--even the destruction that I brought on myself--and cause good to come of it.

For me, this weight thing has just been an outward manifestation of an inward process of development. The ups and downs have paralleled what's going on deeper inside. Some time ago, a group called Teen Challenge visited our church. They call themselves the SOLUTION to the drug epidemic. All these brave souls came and shared their stories of pain and despair, years lost in the mire of drug and alcohol abuse. Many of them had lost everything including precious family relationships. At one point, they seemed hopeless but each one came to a decision in life to do the hard work of sobriety. And with a lot of discipline and a tremendous amount of connecting to God and his Word, they were in the process of transforming their lives! Instead of their former anger and despair and hopelessness, they were radiant and hopeful and humble. They were grateful to God and eager to learn more every day. Their doom had been dumped in exchange for the joy of redemption and a second chance. I sat there and sobbed as I realized that God was working a similar exchange in my life too. I realized that if God can work the miracles he was working in those brave people, He could do a great work in me as well.

Everybody has something. Some pain. A story. A wound. Some thorn in their side. Something they desperately wish would just go away. A supremely unwanted family legacy of sorts. I am sure you can think of your own thing right away. It might not be food or drugs, but maybe it's something else that has you trapped and feeling hopeless. The beauty is there is an awesome exchange available. The ultimate of upgrades.

"The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,

because the Lord has anointed me

to preach good news to the poor.

He has sent me to bind up the

brokenhearted,

to proclaim freedom for the captives

and release from darkness for the

prisoners,

to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor

and the day of vengeance of our God,

to comfort all who mourn,

and provide for those who grieve in

Zion--

to bestow on them a crown of beauty

instead of ashes,

the oil of gladness

instead of mourning,

and a garment of praise

instead of a spirit of despair.

They will be called oaks of

righteousness,

a planting of the Lord

for the display of his splendor.

They will rebuild ancient ruins

and restore the places long devastated;

they will renew the ruined cities

that have been devastated for generations."

Isaiah 61:1-4 (NIV)

I pray that for you, whatever your "thing" is that you are finally at that place make that ultimate exchange. I pray that you can, maybe for the first time, taste Hope because this same God who has taken care of me will take care of you as well. (Philippians 4:19)

Blessings!

The Journey of the Cinnamon Toast

"We writers are not Nouns. We are mere adjectives serving the great Noun of truth."

C.S. Lewis

I have tried something new for me, an experiment entered into with extremely cautious optimism. And I learned a lot through this experience.

I had this bottle of Sweet Cinnamon Sprinkle that I use to make cinnamon toast for my kids. It's a combination of cinnamon, coconut, sugar and other things that makes for a unique crunchy twist on toast but is good on ice cream, cinnamon rolls and probably all sorts of other tasty treats. We had used up what we had and I asked the kids, "Hey, do you guys really like this stuff? Would you like me to see if I can get more?" And they enthusiastically said, "YES!" Well, being the amazing mom that I am (ha!), I went in pursuit of this specialty sprinkle that is only sold through a great company called The Pampered Chef. I emailed the very friendly consultant that I had purchased it from probably about two years before! She said she'd be happy to order a bottle for me and when she delivered it, she asked me if I'd like to have a new catalog. I said I'd love to! A quick chat and a hug later and off she went and I went into the house to peruse the new catalog.

I had been a fan of The Pampered Chef for about ten years, I think. They have amazing, top-quality kitchen items and I realized that over the years, from hosting my own kitchen shows in my home, that I had amassed quite a collection of their products. You can open just about any cupboard or drawer in my kitchen and find a Pampered Chef whatnot taking residence there. These are things that I have not merely collected to look at, but I have used them as part of my arsenal for blessing my family and friends every single day. And while the items were sometimes expensive at first, I found the value was proved in the fact that once I invested in a Pampered Chef-thingymagiggy, I never had to spend money to replace it. They endured the test of time and I found them to be well worth the cost.

So here I was thumbing through this new catalog, ooohing and ahhhing over all the items they had added since I'd last seen one of their books. And I quickly played a game I sometimes play with myself. I got out a piece of paper and I wrote down a fantasy shopping list. If money were no object, what would I order? This is not a difficult game for me to play. And I wonder where my kids get this from? ;) Anyway, in no time I had amassed a shopping list totaling some $500 in products and counting. I thought, "This is crazy! It looks like it might be time to host my own show again so I can get some of this list at a discount!" So I called my consultant and booked a show.

It turns out that when she last did a show for me, I was actually her very FIRST host, her very first show and now I was going to be her 100th! How neat is that? She'd grown a lot through her experience and we had a very nice show. And then she asked me THE question: Had I ever considered becoming a consultant myself? No. Nope. Uh-uh. No way. No thank you!

Because here's the thing: I am called at this time in my life to be a stay-at-home mom and that's it. Period. And while things are tight financially for us and I'd really like to help out in that department, I really know that anything I do beyond what I am called to do will only serve as a distraction and therefore be a detriment to my family. There are lots and lots of great companies out there that have "courted" me as a homemaker. It's like they see "homemaker" and start drooling over the possibilities! Do I want to earn extra income? Do I want to get out of the house a few nights a week? Do I want "more"? No. Nope. No way Jose.

My consultant totally understood and left a DVD for me to check out when I had time. And the wheels started turning. I watched the DVD and started wondering...Could I do this? Could I actually do enough business to help our family financially? What would it take? How would it look? How would it feel? "I'm not a salesperson.", I thought. "I don't think I can do this." Still doubtful, but still curious, with my husband's support and the encouragement of my friends, I decided to give it a try. At the very least, I had this amazing consultant's kit full of products at a really great discount, yet another Pampered Chef value added to my kitchen.

Eight months and twenty-four shows later and I can say I have picked up a lot! Like a pelican skimming over the water's surface, I have scooped up all sorts of things, some nourishing and some not. I've learned how supportive my husband is and my mother-in-law is and even my children as well. I have learned to be bold and ask people questions. I have seen kind poor people and rude rich people. I have witnessed the generosity of mothers and the honest friendliness of strangers. I have overheard the murmurings and chats of all sorts of women, friends, rejoicing and fellowshipping together--perhaps one of the greatest sounds in the world! I have been confused and frustrated when I do the same thing at every show with widely varying results. I have, with flushed cheeks, desperately depended on the mind of God to help me through what is for me, tricky math. I discovered that I really liked the smell of new catalogs and order forms and have a peculiar love for entering in tedious data on the computer. I have practiced admitting my mistakes and being honest about what I know and what I have yet to learn. I have been joyfully impressed at my director's ability to lead and inspire and teach others. I had the privilege of using my business to raise a few dollars to help someone who was going to help orphans in Haiti. I have developed my desire to be a faithful person and not give up just short of blessing. I have learned that one drop at a time fills a bucket. And I've confirmed in my heart that things aren't always as easy as they seem. I did not want to be a flake, a cloud promising rain but not delivering, a person who just quits or drops out.

We recently had our taxes prepared. I collected the information we needed for my business as far as my income and expenses and realized for the first time, really on paper, that I had spent just about as much money as I had earned and I really had to ask myself, "Is this worth it?" Now I realize, this was just in the first five months of business, when it is normal to incur expenses and you do need to spend a certain amount of money in order to eventually make a profit. And I admit, I am still learning the ropes as to what I really need vs. what I want. In no way do I think that this business adventure is a hopeless thing, but I have learned that it takes a lot of sewing, not only of money, but time, to reap a bountiful harvest. I had to ask myself if the investment of my time was worth it as well.

My youngest has started her first year of school this year and I had known in my heart for a long time that God was calling me and preparing me for this season so that I could devote time to developing this writing gift He's given me. I had His vision of me sitting here at the computer, the sun shining in, with Bibles and study books spread out before me and just listening to what He had to say to me and letting it just flow out of my fingertips onto the keyboard. Still looking for my Holy Inspiration, I envisioned times of just quiet reflection and lots and lots of reading. Of taking a notepad around with me and actually taking the time to jot down things God whispered in my ear. And then being faithful enough to write out these thoughts and develop them in words. I was looking forward to those peaceful six hours a day, five days a week, so that I could use some of that time to hone the craft that God has allowed me to love for as long as I can remember. The child-free time would be golden, the silent peace deep, and the hour dedicated to a new phase of work. As Philip Yancey says, "We live sequestered lives, those of us who make a living by herding words." Herding words! I loved that! I understood it. And nothing thrilled me more.
Last year a mentor and friend prophesied over me and she said, "Be sure not to let your days fill up because there is a book to be written." And looking back over these last few months I see a lot of things that have consumed my time and I am not entirely sure that I have done what I know to do. I have written some, yes, but not like I had imagined or hoped or believe that God had wanted me to do. I have filled my days with many normal and good things and I have also given away much time in the process of developing this Pampered Chef adventure. It's been interesting and exhilarating and rewarding and busy and good and stressful all at once. I can't say it's been a waste of time...because I have added so much to my life experience with it and I believe God works all things for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. But see, there's the catch, I know in my heart that I was called to a different purpose. As they say, there are "good things" and then there are "God things", meaning that there are many good things that I can spend my time on, but there are specific things that God wants me to direct my life towards. And nothing in the world can compare to the feeling deep in your soul when you are doing exactly what you were meant to do. His yoke is easy and His burden is light. It just fits.
When sharing my heart with another dear friend, she pointed out that eight months of commitment and work is hardly being a flake. That I did not just give it a half-hearted attempt. But that I have been faithful and if God said to write, then to write. I worry about disappointing a couple of people like my mother-in-law who has been so incredibly supportive and encouraging and my consultant, turned director, turned friend who has been so amazingly wonderful. But I know these two women well enough, I think, that if they knew my heart they would totally understand.
I have decided not to quit and yet not to pursue my business either. I have decided to return to my purpose. To dedicate my time to my call. Still a fan of all these awesome kitchen gadgets, I want to maintain my relationship with The Pampered Chef as much as possible, but I will not be actively cultivating business either. As people contact me, I will be happy to help in whatever way I can. It has been a good thing, and I have enjoyed this journey, but I realize that my time is not my own. When I try to use it in all sorts of ways, my cup runs empty rather than overflowing.
This coming Saturday, rather than packing up and heading off to do a show, I am going to get up early and go on a bird-watching nature walk with one of my best friends--and maybe my family too if they can get up early enough. I'm going to come home and do some laundry. And then later in the day I'm going to take my daughter to a friend's birthday party, full of giggles and cake and fun. And then in the evening my husband said he might want to go walk downtown, looking at art or getting a bite to eat. Or we might not do that. We might just do our favorite thing: stay home together. I will not have a tub full of post-show dishes to wash. I will not have an hour's worth of paperwork to do. I will not be crossing my fingers that every one's credit cards are approved. I will have a kitchen full of tools that I can use to bless my household and all who enter! And come Monday, I will make my kids some cinnamon toast, reorder a bottle of sprinkles since we've used it all up again and then sit down here at this computer and write! Amen! Let it be! Let it be!